Despite the slowly shifting conversation around sexual pleasure, there’s still a strong focus on penetrative sex. I’m sure you’ve seen it in mainstream porn…a rock hard penis pounding away non-stop for what seems like hours. This has fed into the unhealthy expectation that penis owners will perform on demand and for as long as required.
The reality is that erections come and go and it’s completely normal for a penis not to be hard all the time during sex. There are lots of reasons why someone may not have an erection:
- Nervousness: So much of sex is in the mind and feeling pressure to perform can have an impact
- Tiredness: All that thrusting can leave a penis owner exhausted
- Erectile dysfunction: Some penis owners have physical disabilities or illnesses that cause erectile dysfunction
- Not feeling it: It could be the body’s way of telling the penis owner they don’t actually want to be having sex
- Alcohol: It’s not called ‘whisky dick’ for nothing…it dulls the senses
At some point, every penis owner will experience erection loss during sex. It’s nothing be ashamed of and here are some ways to deal with it:
- Talk about it: Trying to ignore it and carry on can make things worse. Explain to your partner it’s normal and discuss alternatives
- Focus on other things: It doesn’t mean the fun has to stop if you don’t want it to! Sex is so much beyond penetration. Pleasure your partner, kiss, cuddle, explore butt play, use toys…get creative!
- Mutual masturbat!on: Playing with yourself in front of a partner can be really hot and take the pressure off
- Stop or take a break: If you don’t actually want to have sex, it’s your right to end play whenever you want
Not having an erection doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s not enjoying themselves or isn’t attracted to their partner. Sadly though, some partners feel rejected or insecure when it happens. If erection loss occurs during play, the situation needs addressing with patience and kindness for all involved.
Penis owners should never be shamed for not having an erection…it’s completely normal. There’s so much more to sex beyond the fun an erect penis can provide…get out there and enjoy the whole sexual menu!
Madam Mayhem 
As a Portuguese man who’s pretty vanilla and brought up in a kind of conservative morals background, i can’t quite express how much kindness and freedom i found in your writings and thoughts. That’s absolutely true, sexual expression is more about a personal/shared exploration of the creative self rather than performance. And there’s practices we could all strive for to unlock that good creative beast – my personal favourite os tantra.
Consider reaching out to me while you’re in town? I’d love to talk about all this in person and continuing getting inspired 🙂
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