Let’s get one thing clear…virginity is a social construct. You aren’t suddenly a different person once you’ve had sex for the first time and what constitutes ‘sex’ looks different for everyone, so how can it be measured? The idea of virginity is completely fictional and shouldn’t play any part in dictating someone’s sexual identity or journey. 

What’s so harmful about the idea of virginity?

  • It only validates PIV sex
  • Creates pressure around sex
  • Attributes value to someone based on  their experience

A lack of sex education, the influence of mainstream media and peers can create anxiety around the idea of ‘losing your virginity’. The reality is, no one is the same and our sexual journey is unique to us. There’s no set age we should start exploring sex and some people may decide they never want to have sex at all, like folks on the ace (asexual) spectrum.

We need to stop using the term ‘virginity’ as it’s harmful to everyone. It supports the idea that gender and sexuality are binary and that the only ‘real’ sex is the sort which includes penetration. It also fuels heteronormative tropes like the idea that cis het men should have lots of sexual partners and cis het women have more value if they’ve had fewer partners.

If you are starting off on your sexual journey, try not to be ashamed of your inexperience. We are all inexperienced at some point so anyone who tries to shame you isn’t worth your time and energy. Sex requires communication and trust so be up front about it, even if it means you might be rejected. The right people will be patient and understanding. 

Early on in your sexual journey, focus on:

  • Exploring self pleasure
  • Honing your communication skills
  • Learning how to pleasure others

Whether you’re 18 or 80, starting your sexual journey is an exciting but scary time. The biggest thing to remember is to go at a pace that you’re comfortable with…don’t do anything just because you feel like you should. Remember, there’s actually no such thing as ‘virginity’ and your sexual journey is your own to determine.

One thought on “Virginity

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