Mayhem’s Queer Journey

I’ve been trying to write this post for three years and since Pride month is wrapping up today, I think it’s time I finally shared with you my queer journey and coming out as a ‘late-in-life’ (ouch) pansexual.

To set the scene: I grew up catholic and attended a catholic all girls’ high school. You can probably guess what my sex education was like (hint: heteronormative with an abstinence focus). I was boy crazy as a teenager anyway (shocking, I know) so I never thought to question my sexuality back then.

Fast forward to my mid-twenties when I moved to London and got a taste of independence. Without the hetero framework of my youth or family watching on, I realised I wasn’t just attracted to cis men. We can thank my masc lesbian bartender crush at the local pub for that particular awakening. But I still considered myself straight (not even bisexual), having only ever been with men.

I’ll be 43 soon and I’ve only really started to feel queer in recent years. I finally dated a woman in the summer of 2022, but last year’s Eroticon was the big turning point for me. Being surrounded by a lovely queer community created an unexpected space to feel seen and supported. It was such an affirming experience and I’ve felt more comfortable in my sexuality since.

While I’ve come a long way, I’m still breaking free of the heteronormative mindset I was raised with. I now get a huge buzz when someone doesn’t assume I’m straight, when I can freely tell a friend about my new non-binary crush, or reveal I’m pansexual without someone (AKA cishet dudes) immediately asking about threesomes.

I’m more at home with my sexuality but I still have days when I feel like an imposter…for not telling my family, not having more queer dating experiences (though this is not for lack of trying), or not having attended Pride. I may always feel too queer for the straights and too straight for the queers but I’m a work in progress.

I share all of this to say everyone’s coming out journey is different. If you are queer, your sexuality is valid regardless of who you’ve dated or when you realised you weren’t straight. The reality is that heterosexuality is society’s default and the rest of us are just doing what we can to feel safe and seen for who we are.