Baggage

Earlier this year I went on four dates with an older man who didn’t fail to tell me on a regular basis that I brought ‘complications’ to the table. He was referring to Madam Mayhem and considered my sexual openness ‘baggage’. Yet he praised me for being so understanding that he was back living with his mum after a difficult break up…

When you get to mid-life (and often well before), you’re likely have a chunk of life experiences that judgemental types will call ‘baggage’. This can be in reference to a multitude of things…usually covering anything outside of what society deems easy (good vibes only!). The term baggage gets thrown around most when it comes to dating and relationships.

Examples of what people call baggage are:

divorce • children • family 

neurodiversity • mental health disorders

sexual history • trauma • disabilities 

Life doesn’t go to plan (I’m living proof) and we don’t have the right to judge others for the decisions they made as a past version of themselves. We all have a history and no one is perfect…those in glass houses and all that. If your focus is always on someone’s past, you’ll never have a shot at enjoying the present with them.

Some people are labelled as having baggage just because of who they are (neurodivergent, disabled etc). This is the flip side to fetishising people for their differences. The implication here is that you are a burden and undesirable if you aren’t able bodied and neurotypical…which is simply not true. Sure, dating might look different with these people but is it such a bad thing to get out of your comfort zone?

When it comes to dating, what really matters is:

• How do they make you feel?
• Are your values/desires aligned?
• How are they showing up for you?

Whether you’re still living with an ex for financial reasons or you are vision impaired and can’t drive to pick up a date, you are no less worthy of fun and love. These things aren’t baggage and the right people won’t think of them that way. 

Everyone is so quick to look for problems with people when dating, expecting they’ll find the perfect person. Spoiler alert: they won’t. Dating with curiosity and an open mind to learn about someone’s differences will likely bring you more joy than walking away at the first sign of having to challenge your ideals.