I’m not proud to admit I have a history of pursuing people who weren’t single. While I’ve never cheated on a partner and never would, my moral compass definitely lead me astray in this area. We all make mistakes and my phase of ‘messing with married’ caused a lot of harm to myself and others (that I’m still healing from).
Messing with married is enticing because it:
• Feels naughty
• Gives you an ego boost (hello ‘pick me’ culture)
• Is a challenge
I think it’s easy to justify messing with married people by telling yourself you aren’t the one cheating or that you are filling a void in their relationship. You tell yourself all the things you need to in order to avoid the reality…that it’s just a shitty thing to do. The label ‘home wrecker’ doesn’t exist for nothing. Even if you don’t initiate things and you aren’t cheating, you are complicit.
When I talk about messing with married people, I’m not talking about non-monogamy. If everyone is consenting, no harm, no foul. Though going after a non-monogamous person to convince them of monogamy with you isn’t ok. Their existing connections and choices should be respected…just don’t date ENM people if you are monogamous.
Why is messing with married bad for you?:
• It shows a lack of respect for yourself and everyone it impacts
• You’re denying yourself the opportunity for a real relationship elsewhere
• It can be a damaging pattern linked to unhealed trauma
Therapy helped me work through my unhealthy dating patterns, including this one. Other variations of ‘messing with married’ are: chasing emotionally unavailable people; clinging to someone you inherently know isn’t the right match for you; and romanticising the potential not the reality of a partner. To be clear…I’ve been guilty of all these offences too…my therapist has had to work hard for her money.
Around 40% of people on dating apps are cheating on partners these days…it’s sadly a huge part of dating culture. But there are 8 billion people on this planet…chasing that one emotionally unavailable person is just self sabotage. Dating with respect for yourself and others shows integrity and will be more fulfilling than messing with married.
Madam Mayhem 