Compliments

Much like general comments on my appearance, I’ve always struggled to accept a compliment about my body or looks. Recently I’ve developed a really strong aversion to it…especially from people on the dating apps. I think there are a few reasons why I don’t enjoy compliments about how I look…

  • It’s generic: Just like someone calling me ‘babe’ or ‘darling’, a compliment on my appearance doesn’t make me feel unique. It seems like I’m interchangeable with the next attractive person when I want to be celebrated for my individuality.
  • It’s lazy: In the same vein as someone sending ‘Hey’ as a first message, when I receive a compliment that could be applied to anyone, it feels lazy and insincere. Especially when my bios are full of material to start a conversation with. Saying ‘you’re hot’ seems like something you copy and paste to everyone without even reading their profile.
  • It’s objectifying: When someone continually and only comments on how I look, it makes me feel like I’m just an object to be admired. Not a person that someone is interested in getting to know. It actually makes me feel less desirable when someone puts all my value in how I look.

I understand that particularly with online dating, initial attraction is part of the deal, however I don’t appreciate it being the sole focus. Instead of receiving yet another compliment on my looks, I’d much rather someone show curiosity and thirst to get to know me. That grabs my attention way more than someone telling me I’m pretty.

On dating apps, compliment on:

  • Their sense of style 
  • How they seem adventurous/skilful/studious etc from their photos
  • Something they wrote in their bio

There will be people who enjoy being told they are gorgeous, but I think most want to be appreciated for their character more than how they look. Once you’ve spent some time getting to know someone, compliments about their physical appearance will be more meaningful because they’ll know you care about them as a person too. 

Once you start dating, compliment on:

  • How they make you feel
  • A personality trait that shines through
  • Something small like their hair looks great worn up

Why not try complimenting a match on something other than how they look and see how they respond?

Mayhem Myths

I’ve had Madam Mayhem for two years now and the assumptions people make about me because of her is wild. I receive daily messages (mostly from cis men) with absurd misconceptions…so I want to bust the Mayhem myths.

  • You’re just selling content: Women can, in fact, date and do other things. With over 40k likes across the apps, I can’t date everyone. I created MM to help cubs find their own cougar and give everyone access to (highly sought after) cougar content.
  • You didn’t match/reply to me, you aren’t actually dating: I am dating, I clearly just don’t want to date you. I’m very selective with who I give my energy to, so a blank profile sliding into my DMs with ‘Hey’ won’t win me over. You aren’t entitled to my time merely because you want my attention.
  • You look like you’re up for some fun: Just because I’m sex positive, that doesn’t mean I want to shag everyone, immediately. The way I present myself doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful or sexual with me straight away.
  • So you date younger guys?: I mostly date younger, yes. But I’m pansexual so I’m attracted to everyone, regardless of their gender identity. I’m also open to dating people my age and older, I just rarely find our lives and values align. 
  • Mummy? Mistress?: Firstly, I’m a switch, not purely a Domme. Secondly, D/s dynamics take time to build and I will never jump straight into that role immediately. Addressing someone with honourifics when they aren’t your dominant is disrespectful.
  • Let’s make content together: These offers are always from complete strangers who somehow think it’s flattering? If I want to make content with people, I will seek them out myself. You clearly just want sex…don’t try to disguise it as selflessly volunteering your services.
  • You can’t be single!: Because you think desirable women are objects that can’t be left on a shelf? I have high standards…I choose to be single. I’m also non-monogamous, so even if I’m not single, I’ll still be dating.
  • You’re my fantasy!: No I’m not…Madam Mayhem is. The person behind the Mayhem is imperfect. I run into door handles, I have sad days, I’m not sexy 24/7. I am a normal woman and I just want people to stop making assumptions and treat me with respect.

Sexual Health Awards Finalist

Please vote: https://vote.sexual-health-awards.com/entry/vote/nOMxKOMr

Madam Mayhem is a finalist in the 2022 Sexual Health Awards, hosted by SH:24 and Brook. She is nominated in the category of: ‘Micro-Influencer of the Year’

Madam Mayhem is a 41-year-old woman on her sexual liberation journey. By sharing her experiences around dating, sex and kink, she’s disrupting the narrative that life ends for women as they enter middle age. In doing so, she inspires others to explore their own sexuality and pleasure.

Madam Mayhem is normalising taboos around sex and helping people break free from sexual shame. Her inclusive approach creates a judgement free environment for sex positive conversations. Covering a broad range of topics, she challenges us all to question societal norms around sex and sexuality.

The clue is in her name…Madam Mayhem is here to cause chaos. Ultimately, her desire is for everyone to have the sexual experiences they want in life, not the ones they feel they should settle for.

If you enjoy Madam Mayhem’s blog, please register and vote! Voting closes 21st November.

https://vote.sexual-health-awards.com/entry/vote/nOMxKOMr

Not All Men

Trigger Warning: harassment, abuse, assault, rape.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t help. We know it’s not all (cis) men, but all men benefit from the ‘bad’ ones because it lowers the bar on behaviour. Oh, you don’t harass or rape people? Not violating another human doesn’t make you a ‘nice guy’, it just makes you normal.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t erase the hundreds of unsolicited dick pics and sexual messages I’ve received from men. It doesn’t stop the men I’ve blocked from continuing to harass me months after I’ve said no. It doesn’t make me forget that men breach my boundaries every day without consent yet society still deems them to be ‘nice guys’.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t make me feel safe when I’m alone in public. It didn’t give me comfort when a man stared at me the entire time I was in Starbucks last week. It didn’t prevent me feeling uncomfortable under his gaze or stop me worrying he would approach me or follow me home.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t stop me dreading going outside every day. Anticipating that yet another man will catcall me on my walk or say something crude as I just try and go about my day in peace. It doesn’t make me safe to walk home from the train at night, or allow me to go for a run wearing headphones.

We know it’s ‘not all men’, but when we have bad experiences with men every single day of our lives and all it takes is one to abuse, rape or kill us…saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t help. Cis men are in a position of privilege and saying ‘not all men’ instead of listening and helping compounds the problem.

We all need to stop saying:
• Boys will be boys
• She/they were asking for it (this is victim blaming)
• Victims need to protect themselves (telling potential victims not to get drunk, cover up etc will not stop men from committing the violations!)

We all need to start saying:
• Boys/men are responsible for their actions 
• She/they were an innocent victim
• Men need to learn body autonomy and consent

If you are a cis man, use your privilege to help. Call out your friends when they make rape jokes. Step in if a man is making someone uncomfortable on the bus. Talk to the men and boys in your life about consent and boundaries. We know it’s not all men, but if you feel the need to say ‘not all men’ you are, in fact, one of those men.

Virginity

Let’s get one thing clear…virginity is a social construct. You aren’t suddenly a different person once you’ve had sex for the first time and what constitutes ‘sex’ looks different for everyone, so how can it be measured? The idea of virginity is completely fictional and shouldn’t play any part in dictating someone’s sexual identity or journey. 

What’s so harmful about the idea of virginity?

  • It only validates PIV sex
  • Creates pressure around sex
  • Attributes value to someone based on  their experience

A lack of sex education, the influence of mainstream media and peers can create anxiety around the idea of ‘losing your virginity’. The reality is, no one is the same and our sexual journey is unique to us. There’s no set age we should start exploring sex and some people may decide they never want to have sex at all, like folks on the ace (asexual) spectrum.

We need to stop using the term ‘virginity’ as it’s harmful to everyone. It supports the idea that gender and sexuality are binary and that the only ‘real’ sex is the sort which includes penetration. It also fuels heteronormative tropes like the idea that cis het men should have lots of sexual partners and cis het women have more value if they’ve had fewer partners.

If you are starting off on your sexual journey, try not to be ashamed of your inexperience. We are all inexperienced at some point so anyone who tries to shame you isn’t worth your time and energy. Sex requires communication and trust so be up front about it, even if it means you might be rejected. The right people will be patient and understanding. 

Early on in your sexual journey, focus on:

  • Exploring self pleasure
  • Honing your communication skills
  • Learning how to pleasure others

Whether you’re 18 or 80, starting your sexual journey is an exciting but scary time. The biggest thing to remember is to go at a pace that you’re comfortable with…don’t do anything just because you feel like you should. Remember, there’s actually no such thing as ‘virginity’ and your sexual journey is your own to determine.

Chastity

With Locktober just around the corner, it’s a good time to talk about chastity. While anyone can try chastity, it’s generally submissive penis owners who participate. The duration of chastity is completely up to the device wearer (and their Dom/me/mx)…a cage can be worn for a session, a day or even 24/7, depending on the dynamic.

Chasity can be a standalone kink or form part of a wider kink such as:

It might seem like a counterintuitive way to bring pleasure, but chastity is much loved by penis owners and their partners alike. By caging someone and removing their penis from play, new territory can be explored. It can serve to enhance the dynamic of ownership and servitude and put the focus on other areas of play that are often neglected.

How to get started with chastity:

With any form of chastity, hygiene and safety need to be priority. Even the most well practised 24/7 chastity subs have to unlock and reset sometimes. You need to ease in slowly with timed sessions and breaks to build tolerance. A well fitting cage is a must to minimise chaffing and injury and you need to read up on cleaning and care.

You don’t require a key holder/partner for your chastity journey. With discipline, it can be self managed or for those with less willpower, there are online Dom/me/mx key holding services (I am offering this service through my OnlyFans). People who guide and discipline you from a distance as you undertake locked time. If you are exploring chastity with a partner there are other things to consider.

Partner chastity negotiations should include:

  • Terms/aims agreed to suit all parties
  • Regular check ins/renegotiations
  • Safety/emergency protocol 

However you go about it, chastity can be a really powerful way to enhance a D/s dynamic or explore your own discipline and pleasure journey. As always, research, communication, preparation and safety are key (so to speak). Will you be exploring chastity this Locktober?

Commenting on Appearance

We live in a superficial time where there’s a strong emphasis on appearance. We see the best (and often untrue) depiction of people online with filters, good lighting and all the right angles. It’s warped the reality that we are all beautiful in our own unique, imperfect ways. It’s also created a culture where people are criticised for not adhering to arbitrary beauty standards and a person’s value is measured by their looks. 

When dating, or in life in general, it can be really damaging to question or comment on someone’s physical appearance and body. Observations might be given in the spirit of a compliment or an innocent enquiry, but it may be quite offensive to the person on the receiving end of the remark. 

There are two categories of observation that can be offensive. The first is making comment on the choices someone makes about their appearance and the second is pointing out things about their body they have no control over. Examples of potentially insensitive things to avoid saying are…

You’d look better if you…

  • Shaved your body hair
  • Lost/gained some weight 
  • Smiled more 
  • Dyed your greys

You look good for…

  • Someone who’s had a baby
  • A trans man/woman
  • Your age
  • Someone your size

You don’t need…

  • Fake tan
  • So much makeup
  • Lip filler
  • To show your cleavage

What’s that…

  • Scar from?
  • Accessibility aid for?
  • Medical bracelet about?
  • Injury from?

Someone’s value is not determined by how they look and we have no business giving an opinion on someone’s appearance. Body autonomy gives everyone the right to decide for themselves how they look…including everything from hair grooming to clothing to cosmetic surgery.

Sure, some people enjoy attention to their appearance, but it’s risky territory unless you know someone well or they have invited comment. A heartfelt remark about someone’s personality or how they make you feel is more likely to be well received, especially when dating. Be kind and think before giving an opinion on someone’s physical appearance.

D/s Honorifics

When establishing a BDSM dynamic, it’s common to have honorifics for Dominants and submissives. They typically signify the type of D/s dynamic and each person’s role within it. D-type honorifics tend to elevate and command respect, while s-type names are more likely to be demeaning, show a lower rank or denote ownership.

Using honorifics can:

  • Reinforce D/s roles
  • Signal the beginning and end of a scene
  • Enhance play

There are an array of honorifics to suit all kinds of Dominants and submissives, depending on what you enjoy individually and during partner play. They can be decided early on or sometimes evolve naturally over time. Dominants will often name their submissives, but any titles should be negotiated and consented to by all involved.

When negotiating honorifics, consider which ones:

  • Suit this particular dynamic
  • Are off limits
  • Turn you on/add to the pleasure

If you have a new playmate and you haven’t discussed honorifics yet, avoid using any during a scene. Equally, if you have names you don’t want to be used, share that with playmates early on. D/s connections can be deeply personal and inadvertently calling someone an honorific from a previous dynamic might be upsetting. 

Kinksters will often present themselves online with a chosen honorific. This isn’t an open invitation to slide into someone’s DMs using a title without explicit consent. They may be a Dominant, but they aren’t your Dominant. Use their name when addressing them or if you aren’t sure, ask what they want to be called.

A Mistress will be different to a Mummy or a Goddess…each honorific sets a different tone. It may take a while to settle on titles that feel right for you. Many D/s honourifics are gendered, however there are plenty of options that go beyond the gender binary. Get creative…you can use titles like Your Highness, Boss, piggy or soldier…the safe word is the limit! 

Not all D/s dynamics require honorifics, and that’s completely ok too. You can personalise kink to what works for you and your partners. No one will stop you from calling your Dominant ‘Voldemort’ or your submissive ‘iguana’…or not using titles at all. 

What D/s honorifics have you used?

Sugar Mommas

I’ve been asked to be a sugar momma at least once a week since I started dating again two years ago. Usually this request comes without so much as a ‘hello’…it’s just some guy in his twenties sliding into my DMs thinking I’ll be happy to pay for his (no doubt charming) company. The idea that all cougars are sugar mommas is just another cougar myth that needs to be dispelled.

Seasoned cougar hunters know that it’s rare enough to find a cougar who wants to date you, let alone one who will pay your way too. Older women know their worth and cubs aren’t doing them any favours by dating them. Cubs are replaceable…especially ones who try treating cougars like a cash machine. Asking an older woman to be your sugar momma is one of the many things you shouldn’t say to a cougar.

Assuming a cougar will be your sugar momma is unattractive. It comes across that you:

  • Are entitled, selfish and lazy
  • Lack ambition and integrity
  • Think you have more value than her

Matching a cougar on the apps and anticipating she will pay for everything is disrespectful. If she is successful, she will have worked hard to get there and probably still earns less than her male counterparts. You aren’t doing your part for feminism or gender equality by demanding an older woman be your sugar momma.

You also can’t assume what a cougar’s financial situation is. Just because she’s older, doesn’t mean she will have spare cash to lavish on cubs. Cougars often have more financial responsibilities like mortgages and children. Even if they don’t, they are likely to be more savvy with their money and spending it on cubs will be a low priority.

Don’t forget, cougars are bringing a wealth of other things to the table that cubs profit from:

  • Life experience 
  • Sexual and self confidence
  • Honest and open dating approach

So it’s worth thinking about what you can offer up as a cub, rather than just what you can get from a cougar. Given there are very few cougars out there and plenty of eager cubs, you need to capture and keep her attention, starting with your online dating profile, or approaching her in person. Standing there with your hand out for a sugar momma won’t get you very far.

Don’t assume a cougar is a sugar momma unless you match with her on a sugar momma app or she openly advertises herself as one. Good cubs understand that a cougar’s money is the least exciting thing they have to offer and will have much better experiences than those just looking for a free ride.

Using Condoms

If you’re engaging in hook ups or regular casual sex, condoms are necessary in helping prevent pregnancy and the spread of STIs. Despite the fact that no sex is 100% risk free, condoms are in fact the only form of contraception that protects against STIs. But according to SH:24, condoms are typically only 82% effective because people don’t use them correctly.

When used properly, condoms are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy. So how do you ensure you’re using them in the right way? Firstly, read the instructions they come with. It sounds stupid, but seriously…the companies who make them are best equipped to give advice on how to use them!

There are some other things to be mindful of when using condoms that you may not have been taught during sex ed. The first and most important being that condoms need to be put on before ANY genital contact or penetration occurs. Precum may contain semen so don’t wait to put on a condom as climax is approaching.

The main thing is to minimise the chance of a condom breaking by:

  • Using lube
  • Getting a fresh condom after 30 minutes of use
  • Being careful with fingernails and toys

Much like putting a condom on before the action starts, you also need to remove it as soon as possible when you finish. Withdrawing the penis after ejaculation while it’s still hard is ideal. Once the penis goes soft, there’s a risk of the condom slipping off and there being spillage. 

Other things to remember when it comes to condom use are:

  • They have expiry dates
  • Don’t ever ‘double bag’ (this increases the chance of breakage)
  • Dispose of in a bin, never a toilet (trust me, you don’t want to have that awkward conversation with the plumber when they come to unclog your toilet)

There are so many great condom brands out there now (my personal favourites are Skyn and Hanx), take the time to try a few options and decide what brand and type of condom works best for you. Like anything to do with sex, pleasure and our bodies, it comes down to personal preference for you and your partners.

Taking care of your own sexual health and respecting that of your partner’s is everyone’s responsibility. Regardless of your gender, if you have a penis or have sex with penis owners, always have your own supply of condoms. Never assume the other person will have one…show you are proactive about safe sex, it’s hot!