Office Romance

Fun fact…I’ve hooked up with at least one person in every office I’ve worked in (including my current one, shh). There’s something alluring about an office fling, but here are a few things to consider before taking the plunge…


Where you work and how long you’ve been there are factors to consider. A startup may not care about fraternisation, but a top law firm will likely have strict policies. Even in more liberal offices, shagging someone in your first week is probably not a wise move…at least get past probation! Also, you may be up for it but the other person may not want to take the risk…so be prepared for rejection.


Don’t sleep with a manager or a direct report. Best case, teammates may perceive favouritism…worst case, there could be harassment claims. It’s not worth the possible damage to your career…stick to people outside your direct team.


If you do start something, communicate what you want…is it casual or are you the next Pam and Jim? Even if you want the same thing, you’ll have to navigate work if it does go wrong. In that case, set some clear boundaries…try to minimise discomfort in the office afterwards. You can’t just ghost someone you are forced to see every day.


It’s fun to have an office flirt and makes the day go by faster…but remember you are a professional being paid to do a job. Constantly hanging out by your crush’s desk is a quick way to get yourself fired…so indulge it in moderation.


Much like indulging in public fun, playing in the office is a very exciting thought. But bear in mind there’s CCTV everywhere these days and apps that track your time on site…be very cautious. Even if your workplace is ok with employee relationships, they still won’t approve of sex on the boardroom table after hours. 

Reality Check

Much like long distance, dating someone in the office doesn’t make for a natural dating dynamic. It’s all fun and games until you realise you have to see someone eight hours a day as well as outside of work. It can be intense…are you ready to hear them moan about your colleagues on dates? Bear in mind the reality of the scenario, not just the fantasy.

Take it from an office romance ninja…when done right, it’s fantastic fun. I’ve never been caught and the thrill of having a secret fuck buddy at work definitely makes the office less boring. Be clever about it if you think it’s worth the risk and relish in the naughtiness!

Dominant Myths

Thanks to the likes of 50 Shades of Grey, there are so many misconceptions out there about kink. Unless you’ve spent time in the community and researched thoroughly, mainstream media would have you believe a ton of myths about D/s dynamics. Some Dominant myths are…

Dominants must be obeyed

With any D/s interaction, consent and safety are key. Any Dominant who expects you to obey them without question is a fake. Submissives always have the right to say no.

Dominants don’t need aftercare

Dominants shoulder a lot of stress and responsibility during a scene and require aftercare just as much as subs. They may experience ‘Dom Drop’ and need extra care and reassurance, especially after particular scenes like CNC.

Dominants have all the control

The truth is, both Dominants and submissives have control. Any D/s dynamic needs a foundation of trust, communication and negotiation. Any play should be agreed to by everyone involved, so even if a Dominant is leading, everyone has consented to play.

Dominants are always harsh

Subs tell me I’m mean, but my brand of cruelty comes in the form of teasing, edging and delayed gratification. Not all Dominants enjoy pain play or humiliating subs…this doesn’t make them any less dominant. Dominants don’t all operate in the same way.

Only men are dominant

Anyone can be a Dominant…kink is judgement free and it’s a place to be your true self, regardless of your gender or sexuality. Saying only men can be dominant is misogynistic plays into gender stereotypes and doesn’t allow for the inclusion of non-hetero D/s dynamics.

Dominants are always dominant

Dominants are people too. Unless you’re in a 24/7 arrangement (and even then) Dominants have insecurities, they have bad days and times when they need caring for. Being a Dominant doesn’t mean they aren’t human…their needs, boundaries and consent must be respected too. 

If you are getting involved in kink, it’s helpful to understand these myths. Dominants can be hugely misunderstood and bear the brunt of bad behaviour from ignorant submissives. Be respectful when speaking to Dominants, keep an eye out for fakes and if in doubt, ask. Don’t make assumptions about Dominants based on these kind of myths.

Long Distance

I’ve done long distance relationships many times…and sworn after every one that I’d never do it again. Sometimes it works, other times not…it’s down to the people involved and the effort put in. They require more work than a regular relationship so make sure you’re willing to give it the energy required before diving in.

Distance disrupts the regular dating pattern and means it’s all or nothing…you go from not having someone around at all to them living with you for days at a time. You’re trying to get to know someone without the typical cadence of dates for things to progress at a natural pace. Fluctuating between the extremes can be exhausting.

Some of the biggest challenges are:
• Unusual relationship progression
• Not enough time together/physical touch
• Jealousy and insecurities

Communication is vital in the early days of a long distance relationship. Success relies on establishing expectations around frequency of meeting and contact from afar. Agree to a realistic plan that everyone is comfortable with and can commit to…don’t make empty promises you can’t keep. The majority of friction will come from needs not being met. 

Give yourself the best chance of success by:
• Always knowing when you’ll next meet
• Having an end date in sight
• Communicating expectations

The lack of physical touch and quality time together are likely the most difficult things to overcome in long distance. You have to ensure both people feel secure in the connection without having physical closeness and regular time spent together. Fostering intimacy can be really tricky at a distance and challenging to maintain over long periods.

Ways to reinforce connection when apart:
• Sending thoughtful gifts/messages
• App controlled toys/phone sex
• Simultaneous activities on video calls (like cooking, cocktail making, video gaming etc)

Long distance relationships only survive with strong communication, trust, effort and a plan. If you go into it without preparation and just hope it will work out, it won’t. They can be very successful, but it will look different to most relationships and requires compromise and hard work. What’s been your experience of long distance relationships?

Left on Read

When you’ve matched with someone on the apps and started talking, it can be tricky to establish consistent, enjoyable conversation. Early on, you are navigating different communication styles amidst the excitement and potential of something new. It can be anxiety inducing for all involved…especially when you are left on read.

Engaged and intentional chat is sexy (no it’s not simping), so throw out these anxiety inducing ‘rules’:

  • No double texting
  • Wait before replying
  • Play it cool/pretend you don’t care

Set the tone and be considerate to others…they will often reciprocate your energy. Be proactive rather than apologising, ‘Hey, I’m out with friends tonight, I’ll reply tomorrow’ and reply when you say you will. Signposting a gap in contact beforehand shows kindness, helping minimise anxiety for others.

Always starting with ‘Sorry for the late reply….’ sends the message that you:

  • Don’t consider their feelings
  • Aren’t interested enough to prioritise them
  • Don’t actually have time to date

You can’t always expect instant replies, but speak up about reasonable communication needs. Requesting someone send you good morning/night texts before you’ve even met them is too much. Whereas it’s fair to ask someone you’ve been seeing for a few months not disappear for three days without warning.

Dating is tough on your mental health, but you can help manage your anxiety by:

  • Turning off read receipts/notifications
  • Not following someone’s social media
  • Communicating your needs

Dating communication is a two way street and requires effort on both sides. Yes, we are all busy, but leaving someone on read for a long period without explanation is hurtful. If there’s not enough interest there to keep chatting, just say so…it’s far more respectful than ghosting someone.

Know your communication needs and give the effort you want to receive back. If someone isn’t reciprocating your energy, don’t participate in a one sided chase or start playing games. Just tell them you want to date people who are more engaged, wish them well and leave the anxiety behind you!

Dom Drop

If you’re a Dom/Domme/Dommx, you may suffer ‘Dom drop’ after BDSM play. Ensuring a submissive is safe and pleasured during scenes can be intense for a Dominant. From wax play, to choking, restraints, paddles or gags…so much can go wrong, so it can be a high stress time.

Dom drop is the comedown after the intensity of a scene. It might look like:

  • An energy/emotional crash
  • A stressed/anxious state
  • Physical pain (headache etc)

Not everyone has Dom drop and it may not happen every time, but aftercare is necessary anyway. When a scene ends, it’s the responsibility of all participants to look after each other, regardless of the dynamic during play. Dominants need aftercare too, not just submissives.

As a Domme, I like to cuddle and chat about a scene afterwards. What worked/didn’t? What will we do again/differently next time? I like reassurance that my sub has enjoyed things and felt safe. If not, I want to know how I can improve. Then it’s onto cleanup and snacks to round out the aftercare routine.

Negotiate an aftercare plan that suits everyone before a session…preparation is key to negating the impact of Dom drop. Have what you need on hand…snacks, clean towels, a fave TV show etc. If you are a Dominant, make sure you speak up for your needs before focus is on your sub during a scene.

The lack of aftercare I’ve received in the past has been a factor in deciding not to see a submissive again. As a sub you may be relinquishing control in a session, but that doesn’t absolve you of giving aftercare to your Dominant. Equally, Doms have a responsibility to voice their needs or it can damage the dynamic too.

Support your Dominant after a scene by:

  • Asking what they need
  • Giving feedback and reassurance
  • Engaging in aftercare that suits you both

Neglecting aftercare for Dominants might have a detrimental impact on a dynamic or leave parties less inclined to want to play again. It’s not just about minimising Dom drop, ultimately it’s about caring and connecting with your play partners…that way, more fun can be had in future.


Whether you have a vulva or not, you need to know about perimenopause. It’s the time leading up to menopause (which marks one year since the end of their last period). I didn’t even know what perimenopause was until a few months ago…when my doctor told me I’m likely going through it. We need to talk about this more! 

Menopause usually happens between 45-55 years of age for vulva owners (51 is the average age), but it can be much earlier. Perimenopause is when hormone levels start to fluctuate in the lead up to menopause, it impacts every aspect of life and can go on for years. It’s an incredibly difficult time and is not something that happens exclusively to ‘old’ people.

They’ve identified 62 different symptoms associated with perimenopause. Here are just a few:

hot flushes • irregular bleeding • anxiety • mood swings • night sweats • memory problems • tinnitus • loss of libido • dry/itchy skin • discomfort during sex • vaginal dryness

Basically all the hormones that keep a vulva owners body functioning normally start to go haywire. Perimenopausal people are dealing with a myriad of debilitating symptoms every day. The most common thing they will say is ‘I don’t feel like myself’ or ‘I feel like I’m going mad!’

How can you help if you know someone going through perimenopause?

  • Be sensitive to mood swings/anxiety (it can’t always be ‘good vibes only‘)
  • Have supplies (fan/ice etc) on hand to make them more comfortable when symptoms strike
  • Ask how you can help (vulva owners will all need different things with varying symptoms)

When it comes to sex, you may need to make some adjustments too:

  • Use lube (you should do this anyway)
  • Be mindful of positions, some may cause pain or discomfort
  • Give reassurance around loss of libido, irregular bleeding, dryness etc (vulva owners may be quite self conscious about this)

Diagnosis may take a while and then learning to manage symptoms may take even longer. This will be with medication, hormones or alternative therapies and lifestyle changes. It’s not an easy or quick process.

If you want to learn more and help support those going through perimenopause and menopause:

Perimenopausal/menopausal people are not old, washed up or closed for sexual experiences (we still want pleasure!). Perimenopause is a rough time for vulva owners but with support, patience and kindness, they’ll be able to tackle it with less anxiety. Let’s normalise talking openly about perimenopause and help those going through it.

Time To Date

We’ve all encountered time wasters on the dating apps…people who string you along, chat sporadically and then three weeks later you realise they ghost you…they had no intention of meeting you. It wears you down if you are someone genuinely wanting to meet people and date. 

Time wasters are on the apps for lots of reasons, but one I strike often is that people just don’t have the time to date. They may want to, and have the right intentions, but realistically they don’t actually have the time or energy to dedicate to dating. Others see the apps as a cheat…a quick and easy way to get what they want with minimum effort…

‘I work 7 days a week so just want someone to have dinner waiting for me’

‘My career/sporting endeavour/dog are my first priority right now’

‘I don’t have time to meet someone in real life, so thought I’d try the apps’

I think the main thing lacking from dating is empathy…I try to date with kindness, respect and integrity and I wish others did too. I give my time and energy freely to like-minded people who are willing to reciprocate my effort. Dating, human connection and meeting new people are a priority in my life.

If you are on dating apps because it seems like the easy way to get what you want (whether that’s a hook up or a relationship), you aren’t dating with empathy. Take a step back and look at the commitments on your life. Between study, career, sport, friends and family/children, do you genuinely have the time and energy to give to dating too?

If you really want to date, you have to:

  • Make space in your diary for regular dates
  • Prioritise time for dating over other things
  • Be engaged and make time to communicate with matches

Before having an idle swipe on the apps when you are bored or have the hangover horn, pause and really think about what you are doing. Unless you can give the respect and energy to a match (even for something casual), do everyone a favour and go have a wank instead. 

You’re dealing with other human beings on the apps, not objects put there purely to service your needs around all the other commitments in your life. Until you have the ability to make dating a priority and not an afterthought, stop wasting everyone’s time and get off the apps.


Much like general comments on my appearance, I’ve always struggled to accept a compliment about my body or looks. Recently I’ve developed a really strong aversion to it…especially from people on the dating apps. I think there are a few reasons why I don’t enjoy compliments about how I look…

  • It’s generic: Just like someone calling me ‘babe’ or ‘darling’, a compliment on my appearance doesn’t make me feel unique. It seems like I’m interchangeable with the next attractive person when I want to be celebrated for my individuality.
  • It’s lazy: In the same vein as someone sending ‘Hey’ as a first message, when I receive a compliment that could be applied to anyone, it feels lazy and insincere. Especially when my bios are full of material to start a conversation with. Saying ‘you’re hot’ seems like something you copy and paste to everyone without even reading their profile.
  • It’s objectifying: When someone continually and only comments on how I look, it makes me feel like I’m just an object to be admired. Not a person that someone is interested in getting to know. It actually makes me feel less desirable when someone puts all my value in how I look.

I understand that particularly with online dating, initial attraction is part of the deal, however I don’t appreciate it being the sole focus. Instead of receiving yet another compliment on my looks, I’d much rather someone show curiosity and thirst to get to know me. That grabs my attention way more than someone telling me I’m pretty.

On dating apps, compliment on:

  • Their sense of style 
  • How they seem adventurous/skilful/studious etc from their photos
  • Something they wrote in their bio

There will be people who enjoy being told they are gorgeous, but I think most want to be appreciated for their character more than how they look. Once you’ve spent some time getting to know someone, compliments about their physical appearance will be more meaningful because they’ll know you care about them as a person too. 

Once you start dating, compliment on:

  • How they make you feel
  • A personality trait that shines through
  • Something small like their hair looks great worn up

Why not try complimenting a match on something other than how they look and see how they respond?

Mayhem Myths

I’ve had Madam Mayhem for two years now and the assumptions people make about me because of her is wild. I receive daily messages (mostly from cis men) with absurd misconceptions…so I want to bust the Mayhem myths.

  • You’re just selling content: Women can, in fact, date and do other things. With over 40k likes across the apps, I can’t date everyone. I created MM to help cubs find their own cougar and give everyone access to (highly sought after) cougar content.
  • You didn’t match/reply to me, you aren’t actually dating: I am dating, I clearly just don’t want to date you. I’m very selective with who I give my energy to, so a blank profile sliding into my DMs with ‘Hey’ won’t win me over. You aren’t entitled to my time merely because you want my attention.
  • You look like you’re up for some fun: Just because I’m sex positive, that doesn’t mean I want to shag everyone, immediately. The way I present myself doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful or sexual with me straight away.
  • So you date younger guys?: I mostly date younger, yes. But I’m pansexual so I’m attracted to everyone, regardless of their gender identity. I’m also open to dating people my age and older, I just rarely find our lives and values align. 
  • Mummy? Mistress?: Firstly, I’m a switch, not purely a Domme. Secondly, D/s dynamics take time to build and I will never jump straight into that role immediately. Addressing someone with honourifics when they aren’t your dominant is disrespectful.
  • Let’s make content together: These offers are always from complete strangers who somehow think it’s flattering? If I want to make content with people, I will seek them out myself. You clearly just want sex…don’t try to disguise it as selflessly volunteering your services.
  • You can’t be single!: Because you think desirable women are objects that can’t be left on a shelf? I have high standards…I choose to be single. I’m also non-monogamous, so even if I’m not single, I’ll still be dating.
  • You’re my fantasy!: No I’m not…Madam Mayhem is. The person behind the Mayhem is imperfect. I run into door handles, I have sad days, I’m not sexy 24/7. I am a normal woman and I just want people to stop making assumptions and treat me with respect.

Sexual Health Awards Finalist

Please vote:

Madam Mayhem is a finalist in the 2022 Sexual Health Awards, hosted by SH:24 and Brook. She is nominated in the category of: ‘Micro-Influencer of the Year’

Madam Mayhem is a 41-year-old woman on her sexual liberation journey. By sharing her experiences around dating, sex and kink, she’s disrupting the narrative that life ends for women as they enter middle age. In doing so, she inspires others to explore their own sexuality and pleasure.

Madam Mayhem is normalising taboos around sex and helping people break free from sexual shame. Her inclusive approach creates a judgement free environment for sex positive conversations. Covering a broad range of topics, she challenges us all to question societal norms around sex and sexuality.

The clue is in her name…Madam Mayhem is here to cause chaos. Ultimately, her desire is for everyone to have the sexual experiences they want in life, not the ones they feel they should settle for.

If you enjoy Madam Mayhem’s blog, please register and vote! Voting closes 21st November.