Whether it’s with a new playmate or in a long term relationship, sexual exploration can enhance your experience of pleasure. You can explore all sorts of new territory with partners, including everything from pegging, public fun, dominant/submissive experimentation to the use of sex toys. However, one of the most frequent questions I’m asked is ‘How do I get my partner to do X?’ Unfortunately, this immediately implies coercion is needed to fulfil our desires. Sexual exploration isn’t about getting what we want at all costs…it’s about having an open discussion and finding new common ground for pleasure with partners.
The foundation of safe sexual exploration is built on:
- Consent: It’s rare that you will enjoy the exact same things as a partner. Respect their choice to say no
- Vulnerability: It can be tough to share your desires with someone, but intimacy comes from being honest
- Being judgement free: As the saying goes…don’t yuck someone else’s yum. When sharing desires, it’s not ok to shame someone for it
Conversations around trying something new need to happen outside the action…not in the heat of the moment. Everyone is more vulnerable when naked and someone might feel more pressured into an activity. If you want to try something new with a partner, create the time to raise it when they will feel safe. Some tips for the conversation:
- Make it clear they can say no and that it won’t change how you feel about them
- Offer to research together if they want more information before deciding
- Give them space to process the idea without hounding them for an answer
If you have established kinks or fetishes, also decide if you have any dealbreakers. Say you have a foot fetish but a partner doesn’t like foot play with sex…can you go without or will it compromise your pleasure too much? Your dealbreakers can’t be forced on someone so you might need to find a better suited playmate or other ways to enjoy your love of feet. This might be solo play with porn or finding a middle ground that suits you both, like foot massages or the like. I would suggest cheating isn’t an option to get your needs fulfilled, though.
Whatever it is you want to explore, approach your partner with the mindset that it’s an honest discussion about desires. It’s not a manipulation to convince them into getting what you want…a ‘no’ is not a starting point for negation. The end goal should be more pleasurable, consensual sex for everyone involved.
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