Fake Dominants

There’s no shame in being a newbie to the kink scene. We all have to start somewhere and if you’re honest with potential playmates about your experience and play is safe and consensual, there’s no harm done. What’s dangerous is posing as an experienced dominant when you aren’t one.

Not everyone is honest about their experience level, and there are plenty of fake dominants. These people don’t understand that BDSM is built on trust, communication, safety and consent (more info on the SSC, RACK and PRICK safe practices here). When vetting for playmates it’s important to keep an eye out for fake dominants.

If someone jokes about BDSM on their dating profile it’s a red flag:

  • ‘You can’t choose your father, but you can pick your daddy’
  • ‘My hands make a great necklace’ 
  • ‘I practice safe sex. I’ll tie you to the bed so you don’t fall out’

Other signs that someone might be a fake dominant are that they:

  • Want you to submit immediately and without question 
  • Try to control you and give you tasks before meeting
  • Say you won’t need a safe word

Whether you meet potential playmates through in person events or online, you need to ensure your safety by vetting before you start getting kinky. This involves looking out for green flags and asking questions so you feel safe to explore with someone. Some signs that someone is a genuine dominant is that they:

  • Discuss negotiation, safety and boundaries
  • Want to build trust before exploring kinky territory
  • Speak of your needs and pleasure, not just their own 

If someone passes your initial phase of vetting, you can delve a bit deeper. This is typically the negotiation phase where you put all your cards on the table and decide if and how you want to proceed. Key information to share with each other during negotiation is:

  • Expectations of each other (remember, there are a huge range of dominants)
  • Understanding of consent, safety and aftercare
  • Kinks you enjoy or want to explore (this can be anything from edging to pegging)
  • Non-negotiables, boundaries and hard limits 

The key to enjoying kink safely is honest communication. Fake dominants are dangerous and make for bad experiences so take the time to vet and negotiate with before diving in. Trust your gut…if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Stay safe and have fun!

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