Safer Sex

Did you know that ‘safe’ sex doesn’t exist? All sex comes with a risk of pregnancy or contracting an STI. Trust me, I’m militant about safety and I still got an STI last year. Unless you are in a committed monogamous relationship, you have both tested negative for STIs and birth control is being used effectively, you are at risk. 

There are things we can do to have ‘safer’ sex though. The ways you can best prevent pregnancy or getting an STI are to:

  • Have the conversation about safer sex with a new partner before things heat up
  • Always wear a condom with a new partner (bring your own, don’t assume they will have them)
  • Refrain from oral sex or use dental dams (unless you are sure your partner has tested negative for STIs)
  • Get tested for STIs regularly (every 1-3 months or between new partners)

Sadly, some people don’t take safety seriously and they may try and pressure you into having unsafe sex. These are the kind of statements people will use to try and convince you it’s ok not to use condoms:

  • It doesn’t feel as good with condoms
  • Let’s just use the pull out method
  • My ex was tested and didn’t have anything, so I’m ok
  • Don’t worry, I’m on the pill
  • I don’t have any STI symptoms 

Each of us are responsible for our own sexual health and you have every right to insist on STI testing and condom use with partners. If a potential new sex partner says any of these things in response to the topic of protection, it’s a huge red flag. They clearly don’t care about their own sexual health (or yours) and don’t respect your boundaries. Definitely not the foundation for a fun and healthy sexual experience. Bin them immediately!

I personally find it really hot when someone raises the topic of safer sex. It shows they care about themselves and their partners and want to have fun in the safest way. Some easy ways you can be proactive about safety are:

  • Try different condoms and find ones you like (SKYN are my favourites)
  • Get a free at home STI kit (Google ones for your area)
  • Check out SH:24 for all the information you could possibly need about having safer sex

Now go forth and have safer sexy fun!

Getting Over Someone

I’ve matched with far too many young men on dating apps who have gone through a breakup and thought ‘the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’.

Getting straight back into dating after a breakup is usually a bad idea because:

  • You don’t process your emotions from the breakup, which may impact on your ability to have healthy relationships in future
  • You aren’t emotionally/mentally ready to be with someone new and are more likely to behave badly towards new partners
  • You’re missing an opportunity to learn from the experience so you can be a better partner in future or find a partner better suited to you
  • It’s likely to make you feel a whole lot worse, not better

Sadly, on the whole, boys aren’t raised to deal with negative emotions. They are told that ‘crying is for girls’ and that they need to ‘man up’ and carry on. This toxic narrative leads to too many young men feeling scared to talk when they’re feeling down…especially after a breakup. We need to change this.

So how can you work through your feelings after a breakup?

  • Cry: It sounds mad, but crying is a great emotional release…it’s scientifically shown to produce endorphins. If you struggle to cry, find a sad movie to trigger you (mine is Marley & Me)
  • Talk to someone: Find a friend, family member or a mental health professional (Mind UK is a good place to start) who’ll listen and support you
  • Set healthy boundaries: This might be avoiding alcohol for a while, no contact with your ex, unfollowing/blocking them on social media etc to help you move on in a positive way
  • Be selfish: This is the time to take care of yourself. Eat ice cream, go for walks, take baths…do whatever it is to help to feel better on the healing journey
  • Be patient: Time is the only thing that will truly help. It will hurt for a good while, but each day will be a little easier

Young men should be given the space to grieve after a breakup instead of telling them to ‘suck it up’ and ‘get back on the horse’. If you’ve been through a breakup, take the time to process things before dating again…I promise you’ll feel much better for it.

Cougar Myths

I’ve been dating cubs long enough now to hear some wild misconceptions about cougars. I frequently get asked the same questions, so I thought I’d bust some cougar myths…

‘I thought finding a cougar would be easy’

We are a rare…the numbers are stacked against cubs looking for a cougar. Dating women in their twenties is easy…but most women my age are taken. There just aren’t many of us out there…so when you have a chance with a cougar, don’t blow it…it might be the only one you get! 

‘Do you have a friend for me?’ 

Firstly, asking this is hugely offensive…it implies you think we are just interchangeable sexual objects. Secondly, the short answer is no. The very few single friends I have my age don’t date younger (trust me, I’ve tried to convince them!). I have exactly three cougar friends and two are in the US. Cougars just don’t travel in packs so you’ll need to go hunting for one yourself.

‘Am I a cougar’s type?’

I can’t speak for other cougars, or any other woman for that matter. We are individuals with our own taste in men…we don’t all suddenly go for the same type of guy when we become cougars. We do however want cubs who are respectful, communicate well and aren’t flakey. But again, all women want that…it’s just that cougars have a much shorter attention span for time wasters.

‘It’s my fantasy to be with a cougar!’

That isn’t the compliment you think it is. Cougars don’t want to be treated like a tick off your sexual bucket list. We are real women with feelings. We have our own desires and aren’t just here for your pleasure. Think less about what a cougar can do for you and more about what you can do for her…you’ll get much further!

‘I thought all cougars would be kinky’

Just because a woman is older, doesn’t mean she’ll be kinky. Some cougars will enjoy vanilla sex, others will want you to call them ‘Mistress’. Chemistry isn’t a given, just because a woman is older. You have to communicate and work out if you want the same things, just like you would when dating anyone else.


The moral of the story? Not all cougars are created equal…don’t fall into the trap of believing these cougar myths. We are just single women who happen to be older and enjoy dating younger men. To give yourself the best chance of catching a cougar, be honest, respectful, communicate well and don’t waste our time…it’s that simple. I also have prompts and resources here to help grab a cougar’s attention when online dating. Go forth and start hunting!

Pegging

So you’ve mastered entry level butt play (starting here) and now you’re ready to step it up with pegging. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of things, it can be tricky territory to navigate with a partner.

Before I dive in (so to speak), for those who aren’t familiar…pegging is when one partner penetrates the other with a strap-on toy. Pegging isn’t limited to any specific gender or orientation, but most often it is associated with role reversal in cishet dynamics (aka a woman penetrating a man). In particular, I want to talk about penis owners being on the receiving end of things.

We all know I am a huge advocate for butt play on penis owners and there are some great benefits taking it to the next level:

  • Intense P-spot stimulation and possible prostate orgasms
  • Reversal of the usual penetration power dynamic (penis owners can be truly submissive)
  • Deeper intimacy and connection with a partner
  • Increased empathy with what your partner experiences during PIV sex (respect to penis owners for all that thrusting!)

So how do you broach the topic with a partner?:

  • As always, raise the idea outside the bedroom when the pressure is off
  • Express why you want to explore pegging (physical pleasure/dynamic reversal/increased intimacy etc)
  • Answer your partner’s questions and help them understand what they might gain from the experience too (I personally love having complete control over a man’s pleasure)

If you get the green light with enthusiastic consent, get prepped for go time by:

  • Researching together and discussing how to proceed so you are both comfortable
  • Having all the right equipment (my recommendations are here)
  • Prep by douching/cleaning if you feel the need or it makes you and your partner more comfortable
  • Ease in with foreplay, rimming and finger play
  • Lube, lube, lube…and some more lube (water based only – oil and silicone based can degrade condoms and silicone toys)
  • Go slow and experiment with different positions that work for you and your partner

As always, use condoms on shared toys for safety and be prepared for mess with towels and tissues. Be patient with this if you are trying as a cishet couple…it’s territory that will be out of both your comfort zones. It might take a few times to perfect what works for you both and don’t forget the aftercare…cuddle, chat and take care of each other in the way that suits you after pegging.

The Cougar/Cub Dynamic

While it’s often seen by society as taboo, the cougar/cub sexual dynamic can be a really healthy one. I’ve always preferred younger men…with 40 just around the corner and my prime cougar years ahead of me, I’m a huge advocate for this kind of relationship (in case it wasn’t incredibly obvious already).

I’m frequently asked what attracts me to younger men…there are the obvious factors…young guys are fun, have stamina and it feels ohhhhhh so naughty. But there’s so much more to the cougar/cub dynamic and it can be a really fulfilling experience for all involved.

Some of the benefits I’ve found:

• Honesty: this dynamic tends to be more open than others where people are the same age. The age difference seems to cut through the game playing…both parties know what they want and aren’t afraid to say it

• Sexual exploration: cougars and cubs are both in their sexual prime and can try things they possibly can’t with people of the same age. There’s more scope for exploring things like role play, age play and other kinky territory

• Breaking the stereotypes: it also gives a safe space for the usual dom/sub dynamic to be challenged. A lot of young guys feel the pressure to be dominant in bed with women their own age…with cougars they can feel more free to explore their submissive side. The reverse applies to cougars, who can feel able to unleash their inner domme

• Learning: cougars can provide a safe space for cubs to learn more about pleasure and sex…their years of experience can be invaluable. On the flip side, cubs can help bring fresh ideas to a cougar’s sex life. Both can learn from each other while having a lot of fun!

• Confidence: indulging in the cougar/cub experience can be a huge boost to the confidence of both people involved. One being desired by the other is exceptionally hot and can add even more passion to the dynamic

I know it’s hard for cubs out there…cougars are few and far between and in high demand. I want all young guys to experience this dynamic so I created some new tools to increase your chances of successfully hunting down a cougar. Go check them out!

Glass Half Full

I’m a glass half full kind of woman…especially when it comes to sex toys. The more the merrier if you ask me. You name it…vibrators, plugs, dildos…I’ve probably tried it…and enjoyed it…and have it in my top drawer.

There’s one particular type of toy I’ve come (pun intended) to love recently…the glass variety. While they are fairly analogue in the current high tech world of suction toys and tongue simulators, glass toys are still my first go-to.

So what makes glass toys so special?

• They are clear so you can see into some of the action, yum!

• You can heat or cool them for temperature play and extra sensation (within reason…you don’t want frostbite or burns on your bits)

• They are firm and offer a stronger alternative to softer silicon toys

• The smooth surfaces make for easy penetration and super slippery fun

• Are beautiful shelf ornaments/conversation starters during house parties and zoom calls

Glass toys also have some practical benefits over other materials as they are:

• Non-porous, so can be used safely with all types of lubricants

• Hygienic and easy to clean

• Durable…since they are made from strengthened glass, even a klutz like me can drop them without breakage

There are a bunch of glass toys out there for everyone…including butt plugs, dildos, G-spot and P-spot ticklers. Self & More have just restocked and added more to their extensive glass toy range with options for penis wielders, vulva owners and couples fun too. Use the code madammayhem for 10% off…

Self & More 10% Off

Does Size Matter?

Now that I have your attention…I think the real question is, how can we create the most pleasurable experience with our sexual partners? The focus is better spent on our attitude and actions in bed, not the tools we bring to the job. Why is this the case?

Let me break it down for you:

  • Only 1/3 of vulva owners can orgasm through penetration alone (without clitoral stimulation)
  • 65% of heterosexual women report achieving orgasm during sex compared to 86% of lesbian women
  • Study results vary but the average aroused vagina is only around 4.75 inches deep

So basically, if you’re a heterosexual penis owner and want to let the fate of your partner’s pleasure rest on the size of your equipment, may the odds be ever in your favour. Perhaps instead of asking ‘does size matter?’ it’s worth asking your sexual partner:

  • What turns you on?
  • Show me how you like to be touched
  • How can we give you more pleasure during sex?

In addition to (or instead of) penis in vagina (PIV) sex, other ways to bring pleasure to your partner are:

  • Foreplay: It’s about the journey, not the destination. Take your time…kiss, stroke and play with each other to build arousal
  • Oral: PIV sex doesn’t always (or ever) have to be the end goal…your tongue can be a much more effective way to bring pleasure to your partner
  • Toys or fingers: Either on their own or during oral or PIV sex. The way to a vulva owner’s orgasm is through the clitoris in most cases. Ensuring it gets plenty of attention is key to unlocking pleasure

While one in three vulva owners are lucky enough to orgasm through penetration alone, it’s definitely not the case for the majority of us. Everyone has their personal taste and there will always be size queens out there…but most of us have no plans to get the measuring tape out.

Let’s stop asking ‘does size matter?’ and spend more time asking vulva owners how they like to be pleasured. While your Uber rating might be 4.93, I think we’d all like to see that 65% satisfaction rating go a lot higher…

Cougar Hunting in The Wild

With life returning to normal, people are shifting their dating from the apps back to real life. If you’ve been cougar hunting online, now might be the time to try hunting them in the wild. You’ll need to be on the lookout and mix up your regular routine though…it’s unlikely you’ll meet the cougar of your dreams at your local ‘Spoons…

Some possible cougar hunting locations:

  • Clothing, book and lingerie stores: You might find unattached cougars browsing solo in the aisles
  • Park or gym: Catch yourself an active cougar after her workout
  • Public transport: What’s better than a commute time flirt with a cougar to brighten your workday?
  • Pubs and bars: Try locations like cocktail bars and rooftop terraces…watering holes cougars are more likely to frequent

If you spot a cougar in the wild, there are a few things to bear in mind before you approach:

  • Timing: If her child is mid meltdown, it’s probably not the time to strike
  • Be respectful: If she’s clearly with a partner or date, leave her be
  • Pick your moment: Wait until she heads to the bar on her own rather than trying to talk to her in front of her friends
  • Off limits: This isn’t porn…your friends’ mums and your mum’s friends are not a good idea. Same goes for your boss too

If the time is right, here are some tips on how to start:

  • Flirt: Catch her eye and smile or wink first…if you grab her attention you’re good to go
  • Be honest: Introduce yourself and simply say you’d like to get to know her better…would she like to go on a date sometime?
  • Give her control: You’re a complete stranger…asking for her number might make her uncomfortable. Give her your number and let her contact you
  • Keep it short: Make a punchy first impression rather than trying to get her life story in the checkout queue

Cougar hunting in the wild is not for the faint hearted…you might be approaching a happily attached woman not looking to date. Be prepared for rejection, but don’t lose heart and don’t give up! The more you practice, the easier it will be…you’ll find the approach that works best for you. If nothing else, you’ll definitely make a cougar’s day by letting her know she caught the eye of a young cub!

Butt Play Doesn’t Make You Gay

Regardless of your gender or how you identify sexually, butt play is something everyone can enjoy. Particularly for heterosexual penis owners…enjoying butt play does not make you gay! As I always say…it’s where your G-spot (or P-spot) is…it’s biology. If you are willing to explore butt play, you could unlock a world of new pleasure for yourself.

The P-spot is effectively your prostate…a walnut sized gland about 1-2 inches inside your butt on the penis side. When stimulated, it enlarges and creates a pleasurable feeling internally. You can even achieve prostate orgasms…without your penis being erect! Penis owners report having more intense, longer, whole-body type orgasms from the experience…more like a vulva owner’s climax.

If you’re curious about butt play and want to ease in, here are some tips to start:

  • Perineum massage: Apply pressure to the area between your butthole and balls…aka gooch/taint. This is the external wall of your prostate and can enhance pleasure
  • Finger play: Tease your butthole externally first…there are so many nerve endings there to make you tingle before you dive in
  • Rimming: If you and your sexual partner are both comfortable with it, they can lick and tease these areas for you too

Then when you are ready to embrace internal play:

  • Go solo: Test the waters on your own first before exploring with a partner to figure out what works for you
  • Relax: Try having a shower/bath and engage in foreplay first so you aren’t tense
  • Lube: I can’t overstate this one…you need plenty of lube, don’t skimp!
  • Mess: Use gloves for play and put down a towel for easy clean up

Butt play may not be everyone’s cup of tea but we shouldn’t let shame or fear be reasons for penis owners not to explore this area of sexual pleasure. Hopefully you feel brave enough to expand your horizons and give butt play a try.

One last thing…please be safe with butt play…don’t stick anything up there that isn’t a properly designed butt toy or attached to a person. Your butt will literally hoover objects up and nobody want to become a cautionary tale the nurses tell their friends about…

Lingerie Lovers

It’s no secret I adore lingerie…to the point where I maaaaay be in fetish territory. I don’t wear it to look sexy for a partner, I wear it for my own pleasure. Putting on lingerie is part of foreplay for me…it helps get me in the mood for what’s to come…whether it be fun with a date or an epic solo session.

I find everything about it sexy and nothing makes me happier than leaving a full set of lingerie on for the duration of a session. I’ve also discovered that this kink extends into other areas too…one being cross dressing. I love seeing a man in lingerie and I’m not ashamed to say it.

While we have come a long way, I don’t think we’ve come far enough in normalising cross dressing in society. Because we don’t talk about it, it’s too often associated with sexual ambiguity, which scares people. Whoever you are, choosing to wear lingerie doesn’t change how you sexually identify or who you are attracted to. Trust me, I know plenty of straight men who enjoy the feeling of wearing lace panties and it doesn’t make them any less heterosexual.

Whether you’re single or seeing someone, if you want to try wearing lingerie for play, you should be free to explore without judgement. Some tips for getting started:

• Buying: There are plenty of online stores that discreetly deliver if you aren’t comfortable going into a store

• Solo play: Try panties or stockings on your own first and see if you enjoy it

• Try different things: As with all clothing, it’s personal taste. I prefer bodysuits to two piece sets. You might find you like satin more than lace…explore and find what works for you

• Have fun: Like any kink, this isn’t for everyone. If you try it and you aren’t into it, that’s fine. But if it enhances your sexual experience and adds to the fun, then great!

• Share: It’s a big step, but if you do enjoy it, tell your friends and partners. This is how we can educate everyone and normalise cross dressing

If you’ve ever pondered trying lingerie, I wholeheartedly encourage you to dive it. It makes me feel so confident and sexy and kicks my pleasure up a notch during playtime. Just don’t blame me if you get addicted and can’t stop buying pretty new pieces…