Locktober 2025

My new found funemployment has coincidently landed just before the start of Locktober. I feel like it’s a sign…I’m going to be running my key holding service for another year. If you’ve ever been curious to try chastity or you just want to a taste of being under my control for a month, this is your opportunity.

As a nurturing Mummy Domme, my Locktober is all about teasing, denial, exploration and experimentation. The best part? Access to an entire month of my support, daily check-ins and challenges is all yours for the small subscription price to my OnlyFans account. No extra sign up fees or hidden costs. 

Mayhem’s Locktober includes:

  • Welcome guide
  • DM check-ins
  • 8 x bi-weekly challenges 
  • Rules, rewards and punishments
  • Access to all my OnlyFans content

Unlike regular Locktober where you must be locked up 24/7 for the whole month, Mayhem’s Locktober gives you more freedom to ease into chastity for the first time. Your pleasure and orgasms still belong to me for the month, but you will be caged for durations that suit your experience level.

You don’t need to have a peen or identify as a man to sign up. I encourage everyone and accommodate anyone who joins. I’ll happily tease and deny all submissives who want me to be their Domme for a month. Trust me…it will be my pleasure.

My key holding service is figurative…I won’t physically have the key to your chastity device, however you are expected to be under my control for the whole month. This gives you the ability to be caged safely while experiencing enforced chastity. I expect you to comply or there will be consequences. 

Are you going to be a good little submissive and sign up to Locktober with Madam Mayhem? 

Sign up HERE.

Fake Submissives

I’ve spoken about the dangers of fake Dominants before, but what about fake submissives? I think there’s an assumption that submissives don’t have control (I wrote about submissive myths too), so it can’t be harmful if they are inexperienced. This is absolutely not the case and they can be just as dangerous as fake Dominants.

Fake submissives don’t have an understanding of kink safety, which is key to any kind of fun. They expect a Dominant to teach them everything. Unless you are paying a Pro Dominant for this service, responsible members of the kink community do their own research to at least have the basics for safe play.

Someone might be a fake submissive if they:

  • Use/assume honourifics (Mistress/Majesty/Daddy etc) to address you without permission
  • Say they don’t have any limits (everyone should have hard and/or soft limits)
  • Are willing to serve from first contact before you’ve built trust and negotiated any terms

In my experience, fake submissives are selfish…they approach under the guise of ‘service’ but have no genuine interest in what a Dominant might need or want out of a dynamic. All they see is a way to scratch their own kink itch. True submissives are collaborative and want to create a mutually enjoyable scenario with Dominants.

As a Dom-leaning switch, I am approached by fake submissives all the time. Dommes are in very short supply and cishet men specifically get desperate to explore their sub side. They end up objectifying, fetishising and harassing women who may be able to fulfil their desires. Trust me, I block men like this on a daily basis.

If you are new to kink and want to be a sub, you should:

  • Learn about kink safety, negotiation and aftercare (Dominants need aftercare too in order to avoid things like Dom Drop)
  • Attend munches and events to observe and learn from experienced kinksters
  • Treat Dominants as human beings with respect, consistency and clear communication 

Inexperience as a sub isn’t a problem, but faking experience is. If you are new to kink, just be transparent about it. Do your own research, be open to feedback from people in the community and go slow. This is one area of life where ‘fake it till you make it’  does not apply. 

What’s your experience with fake submissives?

Lower Your Standards

It’s the latest hetero buzz narrative on social media…cishet women supposedly wanting a 6’5, blue eyed finance man with a trust fund. I’m sure you’ve seen it. Society is always telling women their dating standards are too high and to lower their expectations for a male partner, but should we?

For starters, I’ve literally never heard any woman state height, income or eye colour as prerequisites in a male partner. Ever. I don’t doubt those women exist, but I’d bet the majority of women focus on far less superficial qualities when dating. I promise you, the male loneliness epidemic isn’t the result of women refusing to date men under 6’.

It seems to me that the standards women have when dating pretty much add up to being treated like a human being (heaven forbid we might not want to be fetishised and objectified). That’s certainly the case for me…the bar for men’s behaviour is set so low at this point that apparently wanting respect, consistency, clear communication, effort and empathy is asking for too much.

My standards are not about a man being wealthy or over 6’…I could go on dates with those kind of guys any day of the week. Unless he takes an interest in me as an individual, can hold a respectful exchange and puts as much effort into arranging a date as me, I’m not interested. A job in finance is not a free pass to be a jerk (apologies to the finance bros, I’m sure some of you are lovely).

How about we stop asking women to lower our (very reasonable) standards and encourage men to behave better? Just look at my Hall of Shame highlights on Instagram or my swipe experiments (both of them) if you want a tiny glimpse of what women deal with daily when dating…it’s abhorrent. Women deserve better and are right to uphold standards when dating. If anything I think we could raise them higher.

Statistics show that married men and unmarried women without children are the happiest demographics within their genders. That’s no coincidence. I’d rather be single than date men who don’t even bring the bare minimum to my life when I’m extremely happy and successful on my own. 

Women don’t need to lower their standards, men need to lift their game. 

Switch Myths

I think being a switch is both a blessing and a curse. Theoretically we have the best of both worlds…in reality it’s not so simple. We tend to hear a lot about those who are purely Dominant or submissive, but what are some of the myths about us switches?

• Switches can have more playmates •

You’d think that would be true but certainly not in my experience. Given the real lack of Dominants out there (fake ones aside), I’m 100% switch but Dominant 90% of the time. We may have a broader spectrum of playmates to choose from, but that doesn’t mean we are getting the experiences we desire.

• Switches can’t Dom OR sub well •

You know that saying, Jack of all trades, master of none? Yeah, I call bullshit on this when it comes to switches. We are actually more likely to empathise with a partner’s experience because we’ve been in their position. I think we can be better at both because of this unique perspective.

• Switching is easy •

I’ve never switched successfully with someone. I find a dynamic settles one way or the other with two switches, at least most of the time. I know others who have managed it though, so this might be unique to me…but you won’t see me switching from Mummy to good girl.

• Switches will never be satisfied •

This is the same myth applied to bi babes…apparently we are greedy and won’t be happy with just one type of experience. Much like sexuality, switches are on a spectrum and may be Dominant or submissive leaning. I admit I want both equally but it very much depends on the quality of any dynamic.

• Switches Dom and sub the same way • 

If someone is a rope bunny sub, they may have no desire to be a rigger Dominant. They may also love dishing out a spanking but hate being spanked themselves. Kink is complex and there’s no guarantee a switch will want to be on the giving and receiving end of the same kinks.

• Switches are less kinky •

Our kinkiness isn’t watered down just because we like being both a Dominant and submissive (my list of kinks are evidence of this). We aren’t all given a finite amount of kinks to be spread across our experiences.

If you’re a switch, what wild myths have you encountered?

Mayhem’s 2024 Lessons

I thought I’d start the year reflecting on some lessons I learnt in 2024 (kind of like last year when I made my list of ins and outs). While it felt like the world was regressing, I actually celebrated growth in most areas of my life (including my biceps). This is what last year taught me…

Therapy Works

A year ago I stopped going to therapy to see if I could fly solo for a bit. Taking what I learnt in therapy into 2024 I managed my anxiety better, recognised and broke toxic patterns, stopped people pleasing and set healthy boundaries. All aspects of my life improved last year and it’s absolutely because of therapy. GO. TO. THERAPY.

Dating Gets Better

Not the apps…those are still a bin fire. But by addressing my bad relationship patterns, dating got much better for me in 2024. I dated people with real relationship potential and stopped wasting time on red flags. I’m still shit at dating women though…just to be clear.

Perimenopause is a Rollercoaster

I thought I had this bitch under control with HRT, supplements, routine, gym and diet (despite losing my luscious long hair). But apparently a bit of jet lag and a new job will cause hormone chaos and unleash the Peri monster again. Sadly I can’t get off this ride, so if you need me I’ll just be over here white knuckled and screaming my way through.

Going Slow is Ok

This last year I gave myself permission to go slow. The aforementioned Peri bitch forced my hand slightly but now I embrace rest, say ‘no’ more and take dating slowly. It causes me less stress and life is far more peaceful (I’m officially middle-aged).

I Am Strong

I may be 43 but I’m physically the strongest I’ve ever been. In 2024 I hit personal bests across the board (bench press, deadlifts, squats and hip thrusts) and I did my first ever pull-ups. Muscle Mummy status achieved.

Kinks Evolve

Last year I discovered I do enjoy a bit of pain in the right context, but I can no longer tolerate wax play (damn sensitive skin…thanks Peri monster). I was also more submissive than Dominant in 2024. Just a reminder that kink is fluid (insert bodily joke here) and ever changing.

What lessons did you learn in 2024?

Terms to Google

When you spend as much time as I do in the world of kink, you find yourself googling a host of words and acronyms (the latter if you use the dating app Feeld). I’d love to explain some of the more obscure terms I’ve discovered, but alas, the censorship overlords might delete my website.

So I’m just going to put these here for you to google yourselves (though I don’t suggest you look these up at work)…

  • Docking
  • Tribbing & Frotting
  • Sounding
  • Sploshing
  • Felching
  • Figging 
  • Worming

How many of these did you already know?

Baggage

Earlier this year I went on four dates with an older man who didn’t fail to tell me on a regular basis that I brought ‘complications’ to the table. He was referring to Madam Mayhem and considered my sexual openness ‘baggage’. Yet he praised me for being so understanding that he was back living with his mum after a difficult break up…

When you get to mid-life (and often well before), you’re likely have a chunk of life experiences that judgemental types will call ‘baggage’. This can be in reference to a multitude of things…usually covering anything outside of what society deems easy (good vibes only!). The term baggage gets thrown around most when it comes to dating and relationships.

Examples of what people call baggage are:

divorce • children • family 

neurodiversity • mental health disorders

sexual history • trauma • disabilities 

Life doesn’t go to plan (I’m living proof) and we don’t have the right to judge others for the decisions they made as a past version of themselves. We all have a history and no one is perfect…those in glass houses and all that. If your focus is always on someone’s past, you’ll never have a shot at enjoying the present with them.

Some people are labelled as having baggage just because of who they are (neurodivergent, disabled etc). This is the flip side to fetishising people for their differences. The implication here is that you are a burden and undesirable if you aren’t able bodied and neurotypical…which is simply not true. Sure, dating might look different with these people but is it such a bad thing to get out of your comfort zone?

When it comes to dating, what really matters is:

  • How do they make you feel?
  • Are your values/desires aligned?
  • How are they showing up for you?

Whether you’re still living with an ex for financial reasons or you are vision impaired and can’t drive to pick up a date, you are no less worthy of fun and love. These things aren’t baggage and the right people won’t think of them that way. 

Everyone is so quick to look for problems with people when dating, expecting they’ll find the perfect person. Spoiler alert: they won’t. Dating with curiosity and an open mind to learn about someone’s differences will likely bring you more joy than walking away at the first sign of having to challenge your ideals.

Fetishising People

If you spend more than a minute on Fabswingers you’ll see plenty of cuckold couples seeking ‘BBC’. If you aren’t familiar with the acronym, Google at your own peril…I’ll wait. We’ve all heard of fetishes for inanimate objects like latex or high heels, but did you know people can be fetishised too?

Some people love to be fetishised and others hate it. Dating as a middle-aged woman, I’ve experienced both. When I started this journey I adored the novelty of people fixating on my age and calling me a cougar. But after about 5,000 messages from young men asking me to teach them, be their sugar mumma or step-mum fantasy, the novelty has well and truly worn off.

Some things that people might be fetishised for are:
• Race
• Body/body part size
• Age
• Sexuality (bisexual/pansexual)
• Gender identity (trans/intersex)
• Disabilities
• Occupation 

If it’s done without consent, fetishising someone is dehumanising and highly offensive. It’s reducing them to a single objectifying entity for the focus of your desire. You’re sending the message there’s only one aspect of their existence you’re interested in, and purely for your sexual gratification. 

Some examples of fetishising people are:
• Asking for a threesome when a person tells you they are bi/pansexual
• Requesting that a date who’s a teacher put you in ‘detention’ for being naughty
• Advertising for BBC on dating profiles

I’m not talking about mere preferences when it comes to partners. Preferences change and are flexible…they are one part of attraction to someone as a whole. We all have that one friend who said they only date blondes but ended up with a brunette…they fell in love with the person, not their hair!

It’s only ok to fetishise someone when:
• It’s yourself…your body, your choice
• Someone volunteers consent (perhaps by stating it on their dating profile)

Telling someone they are your fetish/fantasy isn’t the compliment you might think it is and it could be a very quick way to cause offence. Unless someone openly advertises they enjoy being fetishised, assume they aren’t and be respectful at all times. 

Have you experienced being fetishised?

Mayhem’s Queer Journey

I’ve been trying to write this post for three years and since Pride month is wrapping up today, I think it’s time I finally shared with you my queer journey and coming out as a ‘late-in-life’ (ouch) pansexual.

To set the scene: I grew up catholic and attended a catholic all girls’ high school. You can probably guess what my sex education was like (hint: heteronormative with an abstinence focus). I was boy crazy as a teenager anyway (shocking, I know) so I never thought to question my sexuality back then.

Fast forward to my mid-twenties when I moved to London and got a taste of independence. Without the hetero framework of my youth or family watching on, I realised I wasn’t just attracted to cis men. We can thank my masc lesbian bartender crush at the local pub for that particular awakening. But I still considered myself straight (not even bisexual), having only ever been with men.

I’ll be 43 soon and I’ve only really started to feel queer in recent years. I finally dated a woman in the summer of 2022, but last year’s Eroticon was the big turning point for me. Being surrounded by a lovely queer community created an unexpected space to feel seen and supported. It was such an affirming experience and I’ve felt more comfortable in my sexuality since.

While I’ve come a long way, I’m still breaking free of the heteronormative mindset I was raised with. I now get a huge buzz when someone doesn’t assume I’m straight, when I can freely tell a friend about my new non-binary crush, or reveal I’m pansexual without someone (AKA cishet dudes) immediately asking about threesomes.

I’m more at home with my sexuality but I still have days when I feel like an imposter…for not telling my family, not having more queer dating experiences (though this is not for lack of trying), or not having attended Pride. I may always feel too queer for the straights and too straight for the queers but I’m a work in progress.

I share all of this to say everyone’s coming out journey is different. If you are queer, your sexuality is valid regardless of who you’ve dated or when you realised you weren’t straight. The reality is that heterosexuality is society’s default and the rest of us are just doing what we can to feel safe and seen for who we are.

Submissive Myths

A while back I wrote about Dominant myths…now it’s time to explore some of the falsehoods around submissives (don’t worry my fellow switches, we’ll be up next). Much like ‘Dominant’ can conjure up inaccurate stereotypes of whips and black latex, there are plenty of misconceptions around subs…

Subs don’t have any control

Even if a Dominant is controlling a scene, subs ultimately have control over what happens to them if they are in a safe D/s arrangement. Their boundaries will be discussed and upheld and safe words/signals adhered to during sessions. Only fake Dominants believe subs have no say in their treatment during play time.

Only women are submissive

I’m pretty sure my following here is enough to put this myth squarely in the disproven box. Gender plays absolutely no part in whether you are submissive, Dominant or switchy. No heteronormative gender stereotypes here please.

Subs don’t make decisions

What if I flogged a sub who hated pain play or degraded a pet who preferred praise? Subs are always making decisions through ongoing negotiation and consent with their Dominant. Kinks and areas of exploration are established so a submissive is constantly making decisions within a dynamic.

Subs have no responsibility

Umm, of course they do! Anyone involved in kink has a responsibility to educate themselves on safety and the kinks they indulge in. They also have a duty to give aftercare to their Dominant (ever heard of ‘Dom Drop‘?)…it’s not a one way street. Dominants should not be expected to carry the burden of education, training and aftercare.

Subs are givers/only serve

Yeah…not on my watch. I’m a pleasure/service Domme so my subs are on the receiving end of things. Subs come in so many variations…littles, pets, servants, finsubs, cucks…it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ approach.

Subs are weak

I think being submissive actually takes more strength than being dominant. Strength to trust a Dominant. Strength to be vulnerable. Strength to take the physical, mental and emotional acts carried out on them. I’m rarely submissive because I find it incredibly difficult to trust someone and be vulnerable with my submission. 

Are you a sub? What are some other submissive myths you’ve heard?