All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is for people to stop asking me if I…

  • Am really a cougar
  • Want a threesome
  • Wanna fuck
  • Have Snap

All I want for Christmas is for people on dating apps to…

  • Get verified
  • Write a bio
  • Have decent profile photos
  • Stop sending ‘hey’ as a first message

All I want for Christmas is for people to get off dating apps if they…

  • Aren’t over their ex
  • Don’t have time to date
  • Just want the likes and attention
  • Are cheating on their partners

All I want for Christmas is for people I’m dating not to…

All I want for Christmas if for men to stop treating cougars like…

  • An item for their sexual bucket list
  • Sugar Mommas
  • Their own personal fantasy
  • They aren’t real people with feelings


All I want for Christmas is for Santa to bring you:

  • A new sex toy
  • The best orgasms
  • Fun solo sessions/play partners
  • The opportunity to try a kink you’ve been wanting to explore


All I want for Christmas is for everyone to:

  • Talk more about sex
  • Be more open about their desires
  • Respect each other and be kind
  • Live their best sexual lives!

Being Bisexual

Attraction isn’t black and white and there’s a lot of delicious grey area between being straight or gay. We are slowly making a shift towards a more inclusive mindset, however it’s still common for people to want to define someone’s sexual preferences with a clear cut label. One of the most misunderstood of these is being bisexual.

Regardless of how you identify (cis gender, non-binary, transgender etc) it’s perfectly normal to be attracted to, fantasise about and want experiences/relationships with more than one gender. So why aren’t more people open about being bisexual? I think part of it is a lack of understanding and support.

Here are some common myths about being bisexual:

  • It’s an even split: People don’t have to be attracted to all genders equally to be bi. Also, having more experiences with one gender over others doesn’t make anyone’s bisexuality any less valid
  • It’s just a phase: Bi people aren’t ‘just confused’ and it isn’t a temporary state or a stepping stone to being gay
  • Bi people are hyper-sexual: They don’t necessarily want to have sex with everyone all the time! They also may not want/have threesomes on the regular either
  • They’ll never be satisfied: Bi people are just as capable of committed relationships, if that’s what they want. Being bi doesn’t mean they won’t want monogamy or will cheat on a partner either!

How can we all help combat these myths and support bisexual people better?:

  • Be respectful: If someone is open about being bi, don’t immediately ask if they’ve had a threesome
  • Call people out: If you witness someone misunderstanding bisexuality (‘I heard Ben likes guys too…I hope he doesn’t hit on me!’) speak to them about it
  • Talk about it: Whether you are bi or know someone who is, being more open about it will help dispel the myths

People who are bisexual, heteroflexible, pansexual, bicurious etc shouldn’t have to feel ashamed, hide it or define it to anyone. Someone doesn’t need to fit any preconceived label of bisexuality to be accepted…sexuality is fluid and different for each individual. We all need to be respectful, support and encourage bisexual people to be exactly who they are, without judgement.

Aftercare

Aftercare is a term used in the BDSM community for the care you give to yourself and partners after a scene. The world of sex and kink can be intense and aftercare should be prioritised as part of any play you are involved in. It’s too often overlooked when it is just as important than the scene itself. 

Why is aftercare so important?:

  • Scenes can be physically, mentally and emotionally intense and sometimes specific care is needed to recover afterwards
  • It’s a chance to further connect with your partner/s to enhance the overall experience
  • It helps everyone feel safe and negates people feeling used/abandoned in the aftermath of play
  • It’s an opportunity to reflect on the scene and discuss what worked and what didn’t…so next time can be even better

Aftercare isn’t just reserved for kinky play or submissives either. When I domme, I need aftercare just as much, if not more than my sub. If I skip it or only focus on my sub’s aftercare needs, I get dom drop and can feel depressed for a long time after play. Regardless of whether you’re having vanilla or kinky fun, are a dom|me or sub, aftercare is an extension of play for all involved.

What might aftercare look like?:

  • Conversation: About the scene, the rest of your day or anything that brings your mind back to the present
  • Cuddles: Physical touch and comfort can be really reassuring during aftercare
  • Clean up: Showering together, changing the bed, washing toys…all can be part of resetting after a scene
  • Anything you want: Maybe eating ice cream and watching a movie together works for you…or going for a walk, we all have different needs

Any kind of sex or BDSM play requires prioritising respect and care for you and your partner/s. Planning time for aftercare in advance is necessary for responsible play. Be flexible, check in with your partner after a scene and negotiate what each of you requires to recover safely.

Just like any other aspect of sex and kink, aftercare requires ongoing communication and consideration. It should never be an afterthought and prioritising it will bring more connection, meaning and pleasure to your sexual experiences.

What’s Your Body Count?

Have you ever been asked what your body count is? I know I have…I’ve also been guilty of asking others in the past too. It’s time we stop asking how many people someone has had sex with though…it’s an outdated and unhealthy measure of a person’s worth.

Here are some of the harmful reasons people might want to know your body count:

  • To slut/stud shame: Society generally shames women for a higher body count (what a slut!) while men are shamed for a lower one (why can’t he get laid?)
  • Gauge experience: Quantity of sexual partners is often associated with experience
  • Measure potential: To evaluate if they see you as suitable for casual fun or a relationship
  • Safety: To decide if you are ‘safe’ to have sex with or if they are likely to get an STI

Why is this question (and the reasons people ask it) so unhealthy?:

  • It carries a heavy focus on penetration as the only valid measure of sex. This discounts sex between most gender identities other than cis heterosexual…sex is is so much more than just penis in vagina (PIV) encounters
  • Someone isn’t more or less worthy of sex, dating or a relationship because of their body count. Tropes like ‘she’s only been with a few guys, she’s marriage material’ need to go
  • Body count doesn’t mean you are good or bad in bed. We all enjoy different things…communication and a willingness to learn are key to good sex with anyone
  • Anyone can get an STI…whether you’ve had one sexual partner or ten, safety depends on regular testing and use of protection

No one’s value should be defined by their body count. When you meet someone new, what matters is the experience you are forging together in the present. This is based around open communication and exploration with each other now…not by dwelling on the past.

The next time someone asks what your body count is, gently shift the focus of the conversation. Explain that you’d rather put time and energy into what you are building together and ask more relevant questions like ‘what really turns you on?’ and ‘how can I pleasure you best?’ I promise, asking these kind of questions will make for a much better experience than ‘what’s your body count?’

The Hard Truth

Despite the slowly shifting conversation around sexual pleasure, there’s still a strong focus on penetrative sex. I’m sure you’ve seen it in mainstream porn…a rock hard penis pounding away non-stop for what seems like hours. This has fed into the unhealthy expectation that penis owners will perform on demand and for as long as required.

The reality is that erections come and go and it’s completely normal for a penis not to be hard all the time during sex. There are lots of reasons why someone may not have an erection:

  • Nervousness: So much of sex is in the mind and feeling pressure to perform can have an impact
  • Tiredness: All that thrusting can leave a penis owner exhausted
  • Erectile dysfunction: Some penis owners have physical disabilities or illnesses that cause erectile dysfunction
  • Not feeling it: It could be the body’s way of telling the penis owner they don’t actually want to be having sex
  • Alcohol: It’s not called ‘whisky dick’ for nothing…it dulls the senses

At some point, every penis owner will experience erection loss during sex. It’s nothing be ashamed of and here are some ways to deal with it:

  • Talk about it: Trying to ignore it and carry on can make things worse. Explain to your partner it’s normal and discuss alternatives
  • Focus on other things: It doesn’t mean the fun has to stop if you don’t want it to! Sex is so much beyond penetration. Pleasure your partner, kiss, cuddle, explore butt play, use toys…get creative!
  • Mutual masturbat!on: Playing with yourself in front of a partner can be really hot and take the pressure off
  • Stop or take a break: If you don’t actually want to have sex, it’s your right to end play whenever you want

Not having an erection doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s not enjoying themselves or isn’t attracted to their partner. Sadly though, some partners feel rejected or insecure when it happens. If erection loss occurs during play, the situation needs addressing with patience and kindness for all involved. 

Penis owners should never be shamed for not having an erection…it’s completely normal. There’s so much more to sex beyond the fun an erect penis can provide…get out there and enjoy the whole sexual menu!

Rough Sex

Firstly, let’s get a few things straight. Sex doesn’t have to be kinky to be amazing. It doesn’t have to be rough to be kinky. Lastly, not everyone enjoys rough sex. We are all individuals, never assume anyone’s desires without first having the conversation…it’s that simple.

There seems to be a misconception that we must love it rough to be considered kinky or that all kinksters like rough sex. Kink covers a huge spectrum of experiences…everything from wax play to tickling to ABDL. There’s so much of the kink world that doesn’t involve anything remotely rough.

Despite that, I see a preference for rough sex being advertised all over online dating profiles, like it’s a badge of honour:

  • You’re going to need a safe word
  • My hands make a great necklace
  • I practice safe sex…I’ll tie you to the bed so you don’t fall off
  • Will break your bed, not your heart

While these statements might seem like an innocent joke, rough sex can be dangerous and if you are inexperienced, people can really be hurt. If you do actually like rough sex, here are some golden rules for play with partners:

  • Research: If you want to explore something like choking or breath play, learn all you can first…I can’t stress enough how dangerous it is
  • Trust: Engaging in any kink practice that may cause physical, mental and emotional impact should only be done with someone you completely trust (not first date or one-night stand material)
  • Consent: Never assume someone likes it rough…you need enthusiastic consent from someone before you so much as flick a nipple
  • Communication: If you do get to the point of consensual rough play with someone, establish rules beforehand, have a safe word/signal, check in with each other often and have an aftercare plan

Before defaulting to rough sex, ask yourself this…do you actually enjoy it or do you just think you should because of what you’ve seen in porn? Does your partner actually even like it? Try branching out into other areas…you might discover new experiences you enjoy far more than rough sex.

There’s no shame in enjoying all kinds of sex…whether it’s vanilla (which is completely valid!), rough, sensual and/or k!nky. At the end of the day, what matters is that it’s consensual, safe and all parties are enjoying it!

Online Dating Profile

Did you know that 85% of users on most dating apps are men? On Tinder it’s 90%. That means for every woman on Tinder, there are nine men. So if you’re a straight man, you’re starting at a disadvantage. It’s not the end of the world, it just means that if you want more matches, you need to make some changes to your swiping habits. 

Regardless of whether you are a man in your twenties looking for a one-night stand, a woman in your fifties looking for a poly relationship or a non-binary person seeking a friend with benefits…the same principles apply for everyone. People will moan that online dating is awful, but if you put more effort into it, you are likely to get much greater rewards from the process. Here are some things that help someone want to swipe right on you:

  • Good, clear, recent face photos: Ditch the sunglasses, group shots, masks and filters
  • A verified profile: Safety is paramount and worrying you’re at catfish might make someone pass on you
  • A decent bio: ‘Just ask’ doesn’t cut it…you need to show effort and be unique. Trust me, we’ve seen ‘pineapple on pizza?’ a thousand times
  • Clear intentions: State what you are looking for (one-night stand, friend with benefits, something more serious). It’s a huge time saver for everyone!

These are some of the things to avoid that really turn people off swiping right:

  • Bad photos: Photos with dead fish, kids and exes are a big no no
  • A negative bio: ‘no psychos’, ‘don’t match and not speak’ and similar statements only do you harm. Keep it light and positive
  • Being overly sexual: Putting your dick size, saying you’re a dom or ‘sit on my face’ could all stop you getting that right swipe

Whether you’re looking for a hook up or a relationship, you’ll stand out more if you make these changes to your online dating profiles. It goes beyond your profile to your swiping and chat habits too:

  • Use super likes wisely: They do get attention, so stand out when you really want to!
  • Be respectful: If you get a match, be polite…the effort shouldn’t stop once you get the match
  • Be consistent: check the apps often and don’t air a match for days at a time…keep the conversation flowing

Effort is the biggest indicator of interest…to get the most from online dating, you have to engage and put in the time. Getting your profile looking it’s best will help you stand out from the crowd. If you want all my online dating profile tips (including my secret dating rule book, shh!), click here.

Unsolicited Dick Pics

In the last week alone I’ve received unsolicited dick pics from three different men. What does unsolicited mean? It means I didn’t ask for the photos, I didn’t consent to receiving them and I definitely didn’t want them. With online dating app and social media popularity, ‘cyber-flashing’ has become a big problem. Anyone can be the victim or perpetrator of shared unsolicited sexual content, but it seems cishet men are the worst offenders with the ubiquitous dick pic.

There’s never a legitimate reason to send sexual images to someone without their consent. However, perpetrators will sometimes try and shift the guilt onto the recipient by saying things like:

  • You’re just so hot, I couldn’t help it
  • I thought you were body/sex positive
  • You’re shaming me for being an exhibitionist

This is victim blaming and it’s not ok. We are all accountable for our own actions and regardless of whether the recipient is body positive, open with their sexuality or has an OnlyFans, they didn’t force you to send the photo. The person who sends the dick pic without consent is the only one at fault. 

Aside from it being a consent violation, here are some other reasons not to send an unsolicited dick pic:

  • Most women hate it: I’ve never met a woman who loved getting an unsolicited dick pic. It’s vile and we all talk about how weird and disgusting it is
  • Your social media/dating account can be deleted: You can be reported for sending dick pics and kicked off the apps
  • It’s illegal in some places: In Scotland you can spend up to two years in prison and be placed on the sexual offenders register for the offence
  • You could be extorted: There are criminal catfish online waiting for your dick pics. They will threaten to send them to family and friends unless you pay them money

Until cyber-flashing is made illegal globally, there’s a really simple fix to all of this. Just don’t send any dick pics unless you’ve asked first and have enthusiastic consent from the other person. The golden rule is, if you wouldn’t do it in real life, don’t do it online…would you flash your genitals at a stranger on the street if they never asked for it?

Ghosting

It may be the spooky season but ghosting is a year round phenomenon. If you’ve been online dating for a while, you’ve probably ghosted someone or been ghosted yourself. For those who don’t know, ghosting is when someone suddenly cuts all contact with you, minus an explanation. You could be mid conversation with a match, thinking it’s going well when ‘POOF!’ they turn into Casper the not-so-friendly ghost, never to be heard from again.

People who ghost just want a quick out and forget there’s a real person on the other side of the screen who can be hurt by it. It might seem like the easy option if you don’t want to keep speaking with someone but why is ghosting so bad for everyone?:

  • It leaves the person on the receiving end wondering if it was something they did
  • It’s avoidant behaviour for the person ghosting; we should be learning how to have these uncomfortable conversations
  • It unnecessarily causes additional anxiety, stress and negativity for everyone on dating apps

If you’ve moved the conversation off the dating app or you’ve met someone in person, you owe them an explanation if you no longer want to engage with them. To ghost someone at that point is cowardly and disrespectful. It IS ok to ghost/block someone if they harass you in some way, make you feel unsafe or disrespect your boundaries. Your priority should always be to protect yourself.

Here are some things you can say instead of ghosting someone:

  • It’s been fun chatting but unfortunately I’m not feeling a spark with you
  • After getting to know you a little I think we want different things from dating and aren’t a good match
  • I’ve realised I’m not in a place where I can’t date right now because I’m too busy/not emotionally available/need to focus on my mental health

Be honest, concise and kind. Round out the conversation by wishing them luck with their dating efforts. Unless you genuinely want to stay in contact with the person, don’t make empty promises of friendship or string them along by saying you might change your mind in future. 

The online dating landscape is desolate at the best of times. It would be a kindness to everyone if we all stop ghosting each other and just have the honest conversation with our matches if we no longer want to date them.


Porn Isn’t Sex Education

If you’re reading this it’s likely you lacked a comprehensive sex education growing up. I got the standard ‘don’t have sex until you’re married/this is how a baby is made’ talk with absolutely no focus on pleasure, communication or learning how to enjoy sex. Without a proper roadmap to navigate your own sexuality, sex ed has probably left you trying to figure things out yourself.

Unfortunately, a lot of people turn to mainstream porn as a pseudo sex education. Sure, it’s easily accessible, but it’s also not real…it’s a performance put on by paid actors. Doctors don’t get their medical education from watching Grey’s Anatomy so why turn to porn to learn about sex? 

These are some of the reasons mainstream porn can be an unhealthy form of sex ed:

  • A heavy focus on PIV sex with little or no attention to the entire spectrum of pleasure
  • Mostly shot from the penis owner’s point of view (I don’t watch cishet couple’s porn because there’s rarely a focus on the woman’s pleasure)
  • It caters to extreme kinks/fetishes which can lead to assuming that all sex must be kinky to be enjoyable…creating an unhealthy shame towards vanilla sex
  • There’s rarely a focus on intimacy, connection, aftercare and the full sexual experience

Let me be clear…I’m definitely not against porn. When done right, it can be a healthy addition to solo or partner play. The good news is that there are a load of ethical porn options out there now that give a far more realistic depiction of sex for us to enjoy and learn from.

Here are my top recommendations for healthy, ethical porn options:

Beyond that, to educate yourself better, these are great sex education websites you can follow:

It’s never too late to give yourself the sex education you deserve. Your sexuality is an ongoing journey and we never stop learning. Let’s move away from just trying to replicate the sex we see in mainstream porn and take the time to figure out what brings us and our partners the most pleasure. We are all different and discovering what turns each other on is all part of the fun!