Mayhem’s Queer Journey

I’ve been trying to write this post for three years and since Pride month is wrapping up today, I think it’s time I finally shared with you my queer journey and coming out as a ‘late-in-life’ (ouch) pansexual.

To set the scene: I grew up catholic and attended a catholic all girls’ high school. You can probably guess what my sex education was like (hint: heteronormative with an abstinence focus). I was boy crazy as a teenager anyway (shocking, I know) so I never thought to question my sexuality back then.

Fast forward to my mid-twenties when I moved to London and got a taste of independence. Without the hetero framework of my youth or family watching on, I realised I wasn’t just attracted to cis men. We can thank my masc lesbian bartender crush at the local pub for that particular awakening. But I still considered myself straight (not even bisexual), having only ever been with men.

I’ll be 43 soon and I’ve only really started to feel queer in recent years. I finally dated a woman in the summer of 2022, but last year’s Eroticon was the big turning point for me. Being surrounded by a lovely queer community created an unexpected space to feel seen and supported. It was such an affirming experience and I’ve felt more comfortable in my sexuality since.

While I’ve come a long way, I’m still breaking free of the heteronormative mindset I was raised with. I now get a huge buzz when someone doesn’t assume I’m straight, when I can freely tell a friend about my new non-binary crush, or reveal I’m pansexual without someone (AKA cishet dudes) immediately asking about threesomes.

I’m more at home with my sexuality but I still have days when I feel like an imposter…for not telling my family, not having more queer dating experiences (though this is not for lack of trying), or not having attended Pride. I may always feel too queer for the straights and too straight for the queers but I’m a work in progress.

I share all of this to say everyone’s coming out journey is different. If you are queer, your sexuality is valid regardless of who you’ve dated or when you realised you weren’t straight. The reality is that heterosexuality is society’s default and the rest of us are just doing what we can to feel safe and seen for who we are.

Submissive Myths

A while back I wrote about Dominant myths…now it’s time to explore some of the falsehoods around submissives (don’t worry my fellow switches, we’ll be up next). Much like ‘Dominant’ can conjure up inaccurate stereotypes of whips and black latex, there are plenty of misconceptions around subs…

Subs don’t have any control

Even if a Dominant is controlling a scene, subs ultimately have control over what happens to them if they are in a safe D/s arrangement. Their boundaries will be discussed and upheld and safe words/signals adhered to during sessions. Only fake Dominants believe subs have no say in their treatment during play time.

Only women are submissive

I’m pretty sure my following here is enough to put this myth squarely in the disproven box. Gender plays absolutely no part in whether you are submissive, Dominant or switchy. No heteronormative gender stereotypes here please.

Subs don’t make decisions

What if I flogged a sub who hated pain play or degraded a pet who preferred praise? Subs are always making decisions through ongoing negotiation and consent with their Dominant. Kinks and areas of exploration are established so a submissive is constantly making decisions within a dynamic.

Subs have no responsibility

Umm, of course they do! Anyone involved in kink has a responsibility to educate themselves on safety and the kinks they indulge in. They also have a duty to give aftercare to their Dominant (ever heard of ‘Dom Drop‘?)…it’s not a one way street. Dominants should not be expected to carry the burden of education, training and aftercare.

Subs are givers/only serve

Yeah…not on my watch. I’m a pleasure/service Domme so my subs are on the receiving end of things. Subs come in so many variations…littles, pets, servants, finsubs, cucks…it’s not a ‘one size fits all’ approach.

Subs are weak

I think being submissive actually takes more strength than being dominant. Strength to trust a Dominant. Strength to be vulnerable. Strength to take the physical, mental and emotional acts carried out on them. I’m rarely submissive because I find it incredibly difficult to trust someone and be vulnerable with my submission. 

Are you a sub? What are some other submissive myths you’ve heard?

Unsolicited Advice

I’ve had my fair share of people (mostly men, let’s be real) try to give me advice on everything from dating and job hunting to gym and diet (I’ve been vegan eight years and haven’t died yet). I’m a 42 year old woman with two degrees who’s moved countries five times and started three businesses on my own. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself, so unless I ask for it, I don’t want advice.

People often jump into ‘fix it mode’ when someone is expressing frustration or has a problem. I’m guilty of it and working on this myself (difficult to believe I’m not perfect, I know). It’s natural to want to help if a person you care about is clearly struggling. But wading in as a hero might only make things worse…check before offering advice. 

If someone is sharing a problem with you, ask:
• How can I support you?
• Do you want to vent or talk solutions?
• What do you need from me? 

Giving unsolicited advice to someone you know (friends, family, a partner) is one thing, but doing it to a stranger is worse. Especially if a person’s gender, race, sexuality etc is different to yours and you can’t relate to their lived experience. A married straight man is in no position to give advice to a pansexual, middle-aged woman about her dating life. You know, just as a completely random example.

On the other side of the coin, if you are telling someone about a problem you have, set boundaries and expectations around sharing it. Let someone know what you need from them and also check if they have the emotional bandwidth to listen before spilling the tea. Consent goes both ways!

If you are seeking support, signpost your needs:
• I really need to vent about something, is that ok?
• Could I get your thoughts on a problem?
• I don’t want to talk about it, but can I please have a hug?

At the end of the day it’s pretty simple…just don’t give advice to anyone unless they request it. Like everything, consent needs to be given before doing anything. A lot of the time people just want someone to listen, so best thing to do is be empathetic and supportive without offering unsolicited advice.

Messing With Married

I’m not proud to admit I have a history of pursuing people who weren’t single. While I’ve never cheated on a partner and never would, my moral compass definitely lead me astray in this area. We all make mistakes and my phase of ‘messing with married’ caused a lot of harm to myself and others (that I’m still healing from).

Messing with married is enticing because it:
• Feels naughty 
• Gives you an ego boost (hello ‘pick me’ culture)
• Is a challenge 

I think it’s easy to justify messing with married people by telling yourself you aren’t the one cheating or that you are filling a void in their relationship. You tell yourself all the things you need to in order to avoid the reality…that it’s just a shitty thing to do. The label ‘home wrecker’ doesn’t exist for nothing. Even if you don’t initiate things and you aren’t cheating, you are complicit.

When I talk about messing with married people, I’m not talking about non-monogamy. If everyone is consenting, no harm, no foul. Though going after a non-monogamous person to convince them of monogamy with you isn’t ok. Their existing connections and choices should be respected…just don’t date ENM people if you are monogamous.

Why is messing with married bad for you?:
• It shows a lack of respect for yourself and everyone it impacts
• You’re denying yourself the opportunity for a real relationship elsewhere
• It can be a damaging pattern linked to unhealed trauma

Therapy helped me work through my unhealthy dating patterns, including this one. Other variations of ‘messing with married’ are: chasing emotionally unavailable people; clinging to someone you inherently know isn’t the right match for you; and romanticising the potential not the reality of a partner. To be clear…I’ve been guilty of all these offences too…my therapist has had to work hard for her money.

Around 40% of people on dating apps are cheating on partners these days…it’s sadly a huge part of dating culture. But there are 8 billion people on this planet…chasing that one emotionally unavailable person is just self sabotage. Dating with respect for yourself and others shows integrity and will be more fulfilling than messing with married.

Pro Domme

I have recently ventured into the world of being a Pro Domme…yes, I’m living proof that kink is a VERY slippery slope. There are a plethora of harsh Mistresses out there, but very few Pro Dommes at the sensual, gentle femdom end of the spectrum…where I sit as a pleasure Domme. I decided I can help people explore their sexuality and kinks in a way that others aren’t.

Dominants (Dommes specifically) are in very short supply so you could try to find one in the kink community but it might take years…or never happen. Online dating sites are also rife with fake dominants and people looking to scam you. A Pro Domme gives you a professional, non-judgemental service and the peace of mind to discover and explore your kinks in a safe way.

When seeking out a Pro Domme, consider:

  • Does their offering align with your kinks/exploration desires?
  • Do they talk about your safety, limits and aftercare?
  • Can you develop a trusting dynamic with them?

People wonder why it costs so much to have a session with a Pro Domme. Dommes have to rent dungeon space, then there’s outfits and equipment. The main thing you pay for is their time. You’re paying for the hours of research, training, practise and experience they bring to your sessions. If you don’t appreciate that as a submissive, you aren’t ready to seek out a Pro Domme.

When contacting a Pro Domme, make sure you:

  • Are polite and respectful of their time
  • Have read and follow their rules and instructions
  • Don’t ask for a discount or a service on their hard limit list

When going to your first session:

  • Be punctual
  • Arrive fresh and showered
  • Don’t turn up intoxicated
  • Respect your Domme’s rules

Whether you’re looking to finally indulge your foot fetish, experience what a strap on feels like or explore sensory deprivation, there’s a Domme out there who can help you. Do your research and spend the time finding one that’s right for you. They should be invested in your pleasure, want to develop a dynamic and help you on your kink journey. 

The Swipe Experiment II

I did another Swipe Experiment (nope, still not a masochist despite evidence to the contrary) which was different from the first one I did in 2021. Last time my dating goal was to find a FWB…this time I’m at a place in my dating journey where I’m wanting a relationship. I state this on my profiles openly and mostly matched with people who said similar on their profiles.

Given my dating goals, my matches were a bit older than usual (funnily enough it’s rare to find people in their 20’s looking for anything beyond a hookup) and I was even more particular with my swiping, looking for really good profiles and effort. The experiment lasted about three months (starting 02/11/23) and here’s how it went (spoiler alert, not well):

My matches came from:
• 22 Feeld
• 18 Bumble
• 13 Tinder
• 12 Hinge
• 10 OKC | 3fun | Thursday | Badoo | Hily (the apps I consider to be ‘B grade’)
• 10 Men who had ghosted me previously popping back up (didn’t get a second shot)
• 8 Fabswingers 
• 4 Veggly | Grazer 
• 3 Her 

My matches were:
• 92 men, 4 couples, 3 women, 1 non-binary person
• Ages 22-54
• Average age of 30

83 matches didn’t make it off the apps: 
• 36 never replied/stopped replying/timed out (on Bumble)
• 15 didn’t ask questions/had dead chat
• 10 wanted different things (in and around marriage, relationship type and children mostly)
• 7 were sexual 
• 7 ghosted me
• 4 were time wasters not intending to date
• 2 were too far away (both lied about location)
• 1 catfish
• 1 gave me the ick

7 matches got my phone number:
• 2 Fabswingers, 2 Hinge, 1 Feeld, 1 Bumble, 1 Tinder
• All men (I know…sad times, but very typical in my world), average age of 32
• 6 first dates arranged 
• 1 time waster didn’t commit to a date

6 first dates: 
• 2 Fabswingers, 2 Hinge, 1 Feeld, 1 Bumble
• Average age of 33
• 1 lacked chemistry 
• 1 doesn’t have time to date
• 1 ghosted me
• 1 wants different things (decided he wants a relationship with someone his own age)

2 had multiple dates:
• 1 Bumble, 1 Fabswingers
• Both men, aged 52 and 39
• The 52 y/o became controlling after three dates and signed up to my OF without consent
• The 39 y/o is now a fwb 

Other stats during this time:
• A guy at the gym hit on me and he turned out to be married with three kids (and clearly looking to cheat…which I shot down fast…I don’t mess with married)
• I didn’t give my number to anyone in real life

This experiment took its toll on me. I matched a lot of men who only wanted me for sex despite advertising they want a relationship (‘I want a relationship with someone else but I’ll fuck you until she comes along’). I also experienced the most terrifying date of my life with the 52 y/o and was genuinely scared for my physical safety (I’m still recovering emotionally and mentally).

I was repeatedly fetishised, objectified, slut shamed and made to feel unworthy of love or a relationship because I’m a woman who enjoys sex and kink. So similar to the first experiment, I have once again I’ve shown that dating isn’t easy or fun for women…despite men constantly moaning that it’s far more difficult for them on the apps.

Mayhem’s 2024 In & Outs

Dating In…

  • Raising the bar on what we deserve
  • Approaching people in real life
  • Getting comfortable with rejection

Dating Out…

  • ‘Just ask’ on dating app bios
  • Using the apps for likes with no intention of engaging
  • Situationships 

Sex In…

  • More laughter during sex
  • Taking the focus off penetration 
  • Feeling it, not performing it

Sex Out…

  • Asking what their favourite position is
  • Complaining about condoms
  • Always using porn for solo play

Kink In…

  • Welcoming baby kinksters 
  • Reading body language for consent
  • Doing your own research on safety

Kink Out…

What would you add as your 2024 in and outs?

Mayhem’s 2023 Wrapped

Madam Mayhem was originally born so I could talk about my dating and kink journey. The hope being that by sharing my experiences it might help others on their own journey. So in that spirit I’m doing a ‘Mayhem’s 2023 Wrapped’ (spoiler alert…it’s been a terrible year for dating).

Dating Stats:

  • 17 First dates
  • 6 Second dates
  • 2 Third dates
  • 0 Relationships (or anything beyond a third date)

Reasons Dates Didn’t Progress:

Dating Apps That Banned Me:

  • Feeld (twice)
  • Hinge (twice)
  • Tinder

*I also had a warning on Bumble

(I’ve managed to get back on all the apps)

Top Performing Dating Apps/Websites:

  1. Hinge (5)
  2. Fabswingers (4)
  3. Tinder & Feeld (2 each)
  4. Bumble & Grazer (1 each)

*I met 2 people organically (1 through work, 1 at Eroticon)

Kink Events Attended:

Random Wrapped Stats:

  • I went 7 (long) months without sex
  • All my dates were with (cis and trans) men
  • The average age of my dates was 28
  • Discovered I have a ‘corruption’ kink
  • I developed a taste for shibari 

As you can see, the dating life of a kinky cougar is not what you might think. I continue to be an invisible queer who mostly attracts cis men and can’t match with women to save my life. But 2023 wasn’t a complete loss…I made one lifelong friend from dating and invested about 260 hours in my long term relationship with the gym…

My Hope For Men

As a feminist who highlights the poor behaviour of men, people think I hate all men. I don’t…I love men and I think patriarchy makes life harder for them. Men deserve more, can be more and I have great hope for them…

My hope for men is to unlearn the scripts from their childhood. To know ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘man up’ are damaging masculine narratives. To be free to express themselves in healthy ways and stop seeing ‘feminine’ qualities as weak. 

My hope for men is to talk to other men about their feelings. To go beyond the superficial and discuss the difficult things impacting their lives. To have deeper bonds with other men and foster a real community beyond just ‘having a beer and watching the game’.

My hope for men is to break free of masculine stereotypes and understand there’s no one way to be a man. To realise notions like ‘provider’ and ‘protector’ are outdated. To know that being a man means being yourself and being a good human, not some fictional image of what a man should be.

My hope for men is that they embrace personal growth. To acknowledge shortcomings and mistakes, to take accountability when they do wrong and evolve. To take responsibility and actively become better versions of themselves all the time.

My hope for men is to prioritise their mental wellbeing. To admit when they are struggling and to get help. To know that caring for their mental health and being vulnerable takes more courage than pretending they’re ok. 

My hope for men is to use their privilege to advocate for others. To embrace kindness and empathy, hold space for women and other minorities. To be a voice for change rather than sit back and say ‘not all men’.

My hope for men is to support and encourage their male friends to be and do better. To have the hard conversations and challenge each other to raise the bar on men’s behaviour. To not stay silent perpetuate dangerous lad culture.

My hope for men is to live up to their potential and be the wonderful humans I know they can be. To be themselves without feeling the need to act a certain way as a man. 

What’s your hope for men?

Toys Are Teammates

‘You don’t need toys, you have me’ is one of my top red flag statements to hear when it comes to sex. Of course we all want to feel desired and enough for someone during sex, but we need to stop looking at toys like they are a threat…they are our teammates.

Shaming someone for using toys says you:

  • Are insecure
  • Don’t care about giving someone pleasure
  • Aren’t open to exploring new things

There’s no shame in using toys, regardless of your gender or if you use them during solo or partner play. Pleasure is to be celebrated in every form and toys are a great way to enhance sexual exploration. Using toys does not mean you are bad at sex or are some sad person who can’t get sex. I have three drawers full of toys and they’ve done nothing but enhance my experiences.

Here are some myths about using toys:

  • You’ll become desensitised
  • You’ll no longer be able to enjoy sex with a partner
  • They’re just for women

There’s such a wide variety of toys for both penis and vulva owners these days. Strokers, cock rings, vibes, plugs, dildos, grinders…the list is endless. If you haven’t yet tried a toy, start small with a cock ring or bullet vibe and go from there. Read reviews and communicate with partners about toys you might like to try together.

Ways to use toys with partners:

  • Mutual masturbation 
  • As an addition to oral or penetrative sex with partners
  • Remote toys for public fun

Toys can also benefit those who:

  • Need extra stimulation (if you use SSRI drugs, menopausal, have erectile dysfunction etc)
  • Have mobility challenges
  • Seek gender affirmation

Ever given head to someone while they are wearing a butt plug? Or held a vibrator on a clit while you penetrate someone? A strap on can bring a whole other level of pleasure in the form of gender euphoria or power exchanges. Toys add another dimension to sex that can’t necessarily be achieved otherwise. 

Toys will obviously never replace human connection, but they can be a hugely fun and helpful addition to solo and partnered play. Sex toys aren’t a threat and embracing them will bring your sex life so much more dimension and pleasure. What’s your experience with toys?