Long Distance

I’ve done long distance relationships many times…and sworn after every one that I’d never do it again. Sometimes it works, other times not…it’s down to the people involved and the effort put in. They require more work than a regular relationship so make sure you’re willing to give it the energy required before diving in.

Distance disrupts the regular dating pattern and means it’s all or nothing…you go from not having someone around at all to them living with you for days at a time. You’re trying to get to know someone without the typical cadence of dates for things to progress at a natural pace. Fluctuating between the extremes can be exhausting.

Some of the biggest challenges are:
• Unusual relationship progression
• Not enough time together/physical touch
• Jealousy and insecurities

Communication is vital in the early days of a long distance relationship. Success relies on establishing expectations around frequency of meeting and contact from afar. Agree to a realistic plan that everyone is comfortable with and can commit to…don’t make empty promises you can’t keep. The majority of friction will come from needs not being met. 

Give yourself the best chance of success by:
• Always knowing when you’ll next meet
• Having an end date in sight
• Communicating expectations

The lack of physical touch and quality time together are likely the most difficult things to overcome in long distance. You have to ensure both people feel secure in the connection without having physical closeness and regular time spent together. Fostering intimacy can be really tricky at a distance and challenging to maintain over long periods.

Ways to reinforce connection when apart:
• Sending thoughtful gifts/messages
• App controlled toys/phone sex
• Simultaneous activities on video calls (like cooking, cocktail making, video gaming etc)

Long distance relationships only survive with strong communication, trust, effort and a plan. If you go into it without preparation and just hope it will work out, it won’t. They can be very successful, but it will look different to most relationships and requires compromise and hard work. What’s been your experience of long distance relationships?

Left on Read

When you’ve matched with someone on the apps and started talking, it can be tricky to establish consistent, enjoyable conversation. Early on, you are navigating different communication styles amidst the excitement and potential of something new. It can be anxiety inducing for all involved…especially when you are left on read.

Engaged and intentional chat is sexy (no it’s not simping), so throw out these anxiety inducing ‘rules’:

  • No double texting
  • Wait before replying
  • Play it cool/pretend you don’t care

Set the tone and be considerate to others…they will often reciprocate your energy. Be proactive rather than apologising, ‘Hey, I’m out with friends tonight, I’ll reply tomorrow’ and reply when you say you will. Signposting a gap in contact beforehand shows kindness, helping minimise anxiety for others.

Always starting with ‘Sorry for the late reply….’ sends the message that you:

  • Don’t consider their feelings
  • Aren’t interested enough to prioritise them
  • Don’t actually have time to date

You can’t always expect instant replies, but speak up about reasonable communication needs. Requesting someone send you good morning/night texts before you’ve even met them is too much. Whereas it’s fair to ask someone you’ve been seeing for a few months not disappear for three days without warning.

Dating is tough on your mental health, but you can help manage your anxiety by:

  • Turning off read receipts/notifications
  • Not following someone’s social media
  • Communicating your needs

Dating communication is a two way street and requires effort on both sides. Yes, we are all busy, but leaving someone on read for a long period without explanation is hurtful. If there’s not enough interest there to keep chatting, just say so…it’s far more respectful than ghosting someone.

Know your communication needs and give the effort you want to receive back. If someone isn’t reciprocating your energy, don’t participate in a one sided chase or start playing games. Just tell them you want to date people who are more engaged, wish them well and leave the anxiety behind you!

Dom Drop

If you’re a Dom/Domme/Dommx, you may suffer ‘Dom drop’ after BDSM play. Ensuring a submissive is safe and pleasured during scenes can be intense for a Dominant. From wax play, to choking, restraints, paddles or gags…so much can go wrong, so it can be a high stress time.

Dom drop is the comedown after the intensity of a scene. It might look like:

  • An energy/emotional crash
  • A stressed/anxious state
  • Physical pain (headache etc)

Not everyone has Dom drop and it may not happen every time, but aftercare is necessary anyway. When a scene ends, it’s the responsibility of all participants to look after each other, regardless of the dynamic during play. Dominants need aftercare too, not just submissives.

As a Domme, I like to cuddle and chat about a scene afterwards. What worked/didn’t? What will we do again/differently next time? I like reassurance that my sub has enjoyed things and felt safe. If not, I want to know how I can improve. Then it’s onto cleanup and snacks to round out the aftercare routine.

Negotiate an aftercare plan that suits everyone before a session…preparation is key to negating the impact of Dom drop. Have what you need on hand…snacks, clean towels, a fave TV show etc. If you are a Dominant, make sure you speak up for your needs before focus is on your sub during a scene.

The lack of aftercare I’ve received in the past has been a factor in deciding not to see a submissive again. As a sub you may be relinquishing control in a session, but that doesn’t absolve you of giving aftercare to your Dominant. Equally, Doms have a responsibility to voice their needs or it can damage the dynamic too.

Support your Dominant after a scene by:

  • Asking what they need
  • Giving feedback and reassurance
  • Engaging in aftercare that suits you both

Neglecting aftercare for Dominants might have a detrimental impact on a dynamic or leave parties less inclined to want to play again. It’s not just about minimising Dom drop, ultimately it’s about caring and connecting with your play partners…that way, more fun can be had in future.

Perimenopause

Whether you have a vulva or not, you need to know about perimenopause. It’s the time leading up to menopause (which marks one year since the end of their last period). I didn’t even know what perimenopause was until a few months ago…when my doctor told me I’m likely going through it. We need to talk about this more! 

Menopause usually happens between 45-55 years of age for vulva owners (51 is the average age), but it can be much earlier. Perimenopause is when hormone levels start to fluctuate in the lead up to menopause, it impacts every aspect of life and can go on for years. It’s an incredibly difficult time and is not something that happens exclusively to ‘old’ people.

They’ve identified 62 different symptoms associated with perimenopause. Here are just a few:

hot flushes • irregular bleeding • anxiety • mood swings • night sweats • memory problems • tinnitus • loss of libido • dry/itchy skin • discomfort during sex • vaginal dryness

Basically all the hormones that keep a vulva owners body functioning normally start to go haywire. Perimenopausal people are dealing with a myriad of debilitating symptoms every day. The most common thing they will say is ‘I don’t feel like myself’ or ‘I feel like I’m going mad!’

How can you help if you know someone going through perimenopause?

  • Be sensitive to mood swings/anxiety (it can’t always be ‘good vibes only‘)
  • Have supplies (fan/ice etc) on hand to make them more comfortable when symptoms strike
  • Ask how you can help (vulva owners will all need different things with varying symptoms)

When it comes to sex, you may need to make some adjustments too:

  • Use lube (you should do this anyway)
  • Be mindful of positions, some may cause pain or discomfort
  • Give reassurance around loss of libido, irregular bleeding, dryness etc (vulva owners may be quite self conscious about this)

Diagnosis may take a while and then learning to manage symptoms may take even longer. This will be with medication, hormones or alternative therapies and lifestyle changes. It’s not an easy or quick process.

If you want to learn more and help support those going through perimenopause and menopause:

Perimenopausal/menopausal people are not old, washed up or closed for sexual experiences (we still want pleasure!). Perimenopause is a rough time for vulva owners but with support, patience and kindness, they’ll be able to tackle it with less anxiety. Let’s normalise talking openly about perimenopause and help those going through it.

Time To Date

We’ve all encountered time wasters on the dating apps…people who string you along, chat sporadically and then three weeks later you realise they ghost you…they had no intention of meeting you. It wears you down if you are someone genuinely wanting to meet people and date. 

Time wasters are on the apps for lots of reasons, but one I strike often is that people just don’t have the time to date. They may want to, and have the right intentions, but realistically they don’t actually have the time or energy to dedicate to dating. Others see the apps as a cheat…a quick and easy way to get what they want with minimum effort…

‘I work 7 days a week so just want someone to have dinner waiting for me’

‘My career/sporting endeavour/dog are my first priority right now’

‘I don’t have time to meet someone in real life, so thought I’d try the apps’

I think the main thing lacking from dating is empathy…I try to date with kindness, respect and integrity and I wish others did too. I give my time and energy freely to like-minded people who are willing to reciprocate my effort. Dating, human connection and meeting new people are a priority in my life.

If you are on dating apps because it seems like the easy way to get what you want (whether that’s a hook up or a relationship), you aren’t dating with empathy. Take a step back and look at the commitments on your life. Between study, career, sport, friends and family/children, do you genuinely have the time and energy to give to dating too?

If you really want to date, you have to:

  • Make space in your diary for regular dates
  • Prioritise time for dating over other things
  • Be engaged and make time to communicate with matches

Before having an idle swipe on the apps when you are bored or have the hangover horn, pause and really think about what you are doing. Unless you can give the respect and energy to a match (even for something casual), do everyone a favour and go have a wank instead. 

You’re dealing with other human beings on the apps, not objects put there purely to service your needs around all the other commitments in your life. Until you have the ability to make dating a priority and not an afterthought, stop wasting everyone’s time and get off the apps.

Compliments

Much like general comments on my appearance, I’ve always struggled to accept a compliment about my body or looks. Recently I’ve developed a really strong aversion to it…especially from people on the dating apps. I think there are a few reasons why I don’t enjoy compliments about how I look…

  • It’s generic: Just like someone calling me ‘babe’ or ‘darling’, a compliment on my appearance doesn’t make me feel unique. It seems like I’m interchangeable with the next attractive person when I want to be celebrated for my individuality.
  • It’s lazy: In the same vein as someone sending ‘Hey’ as a first message, when I receive a compliment that could be applied to anyone, it feels lazy and insincere. Especially when my bios are full of material to start a conversation with. Saying ‘you’re hot’ seems like something you copy and paste to everyone without even reading their profile.
  • It’s objectifying: When someone continually and only comments on how I look, it makes me feel like I’m just an object to be admired. Not a person that someone is interested in getting to know. It actually makes me feel less desirable when someone puts all my value in how I look.

I understand that particularly with online dating, initial attraction is part of the deal, however I don’t appreciate it being the sole focus. Instead of receiving yet another compliment on my looks, I’d much rather someone show curiosity and thirst to get to know me. That grabs my attention way more than someone telling me I’m pretty.

On dating apps, compliment on:

  • Their sense of style 
  • How they seem adventurous/skilful/studious etc from their photos
  • Something they wrote in their bio

There will be people who enjoy being told they are gorgeous, but I think most want to be appreciated for their character more than how they look. Once you’ve spent some time getting to know someone, compliments about their physical appearance will be more meaningful because they’ll know you care about them as a person too. 

Once you start dating, compliment on:

  • How they make you feel
  • A personality trait that shines through
  • Something small like their hair looks great worn up

Why not try complimenting a match on something other than how they look and see how they respond?

Mayhem Myths

I’ve had Madam Mayhem for two years now and the assumptions people make about me because of her is wild. I receive daily messages (mostly from cis men) with absurd misconceptions…so I want to bust the Mayhem myths.

  • You’re just selling content: Women can, in fact, date and do other things. With over 40k likes across the apps, I can’t date everyone. I created MM to help cubs find their own cougar and give everyone access to (highly sought after) cougar content.
  • You didn’t match/reply to me, you aren’t actually dating: I am dating, I clearly just don’t want to date you. I’m very selective with who I give my energy to, so a blank profile sliding into my DMs with ‘Hey’ won’t win me over. You aren’t entitled to my time merely because you want my attention.
  • You look like you’re up for some fun: Just because I’m sex positive, that doesn’t mean I want to shag everyone, immediately. The way I present myself doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful or sexual with me straight away.
  • So you date younger guys?: I mostly date younger, yes. But I’m pansexual so I’m attracted to everyone, regardless of their gender identity. I’m also open to dating people my age and older, I just rarely find our lives and values align. 
  • Mummy? Mistress?: Firstly, I’m a switch, not purely a Domme. Secondly, D/s dynamics take time to build and I will never jump straight into that role immediately. Addressing someone with honourifics when they aren’t your dominant is disrespectful.
  • Let’s make content together: These offers are always from complete strangers who somehow think it’s flattering? If I want to make content with people, I will seek them out myself. You clearly just want sex…don’t try to disguise it as selflessly volunteering your services.
  • You can’t be single!: Because you think desirable women are objects that can’t be left on a shelf? I have high standards…I choose to be single. I’m also non-monogamous, so even if I’m not single, I’ll still be dating.
  • You’re my fantasy!: No I’m not…Madam Mayhem is. The person behind the Mayhem is imperfect. I run into door handles, I have sad days, I’m not sexy 24/7. I am a normal woman and I just want people to stop making assumptions and treat me with respect.

Sexual Health Awards Finalist

Madam Mayhem is a finalist in the 2022 Sexual Health Awards, hosted by SH:24 and Brook. She is nominated in the category of: ‘Micro-Influencer of the Year’

Madam Mayhem is a 41-year-old woman on her sexual liberation journey. By sharing her experiences around dating, sex and kink, she’s disrupting the narrative that life ends for women as they enter middle age. In doing so, she inspires others to explore their own sexuality and pleasure.

Madam Mayhem is normalising taboos around sex and helping people break free from sexual shame. Her inclusive approach creates a judgement free environment for sex positive conversations. Covering a broad range of topics, she challenges us all to question societal norms around sex and sexuality.

The clue is in her name…Madam Mayhem is here to cause chaos. Ultimately, her desire is for everyone to have the sexual experiences they want in life, not the ones they feel they should settle for.

If you enjoy Madam Mayhem’s blog, please register and vote! Voting closes 21st November 2022.

https://vote.sexual-health-awards.com/entry/vote/nOMxKOMr

Not All Men

Trigger Warning: harassment, abuse, assault, rape.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t help. We know it’s not all (cis) men, but all men benefit from the ‘bad’ ones because it lowers the bar on behaviour. Oh, you don’t harass or rape people? Not violating another human doesn’t make you a ‘nice guy’, it just makes you normal.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t erase the hundreds of unsolicited dick pics and sexual messages I’ve received from men. It doesn’t stop the men I’ve blocked from continuing to harass me months after I’ve said no. It doesn’t make me forget that men breach my boundaries every day without consent yet society still deems them to be ‘nice guys’.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t make me feel safe when I’m alone in public. It didn’t give me comfort when a man stared at me the entire time I was in Starbucks last week. It didn’t prevent me feeling uncomfortable under his gaze or stop me worrying he would approach me or follow me home.

Saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t stop me dreading going outside every day. Anticipating that yet another man will catcall me on my walk or say something crude as I just try and go about my day in peace. It doesn’t make me safe to walk home from the train at night, or allow me to go for a run wearing headphones.

We know it’s ‘not all men’, but when we have bad experiences with men every single day of our lives and all it takes is one to abuse, rape or kill us…saying ‘not all men’ doesn’t help. Cis men are in a position of privilege and saying ‘not all men’ instead of listening and helping compounds the problem.

We all need to stop saying:
• Boys will be boys
• She/they were asking for it (this is victim blaming)
• Victims need to protect themselves (telling potential victims not to get drunk, cover up etc will not stop men from committing the violations!)

We all need to start saying:
• Boys/men are responsible for their actions 
• She/they were an innocent victim
• Men need to learn body autonomy and consent

If you are a cis man, use your privilege to help. Call out your friends when they make rape jokes. Step in if a man is making someone uncomfortable on the bus. Talk to the men and boys in your life about consent and boundaries. We know it’s not all men, but if you feel the need to say ‘not all men’ you are, in fact, one of those men.

Virginity

Let’s get one thing clear…virginity is a social construct. You aren’t suddenly a different person once you’ve had sex for the first time and what constitutes ‘sex’ looks different for everyone, so how can it be measured? The idea of virginity is completely fictional and shouldn’t play any part in dictating someone’s sexual identity or journey. 

What’s so harmful about the idea of virginity?

  • It only validates PIV sex
  • Creates pressure around sex
  • Attributes value to someone based on  their experience

A lack of sex education, the influence of mainstream media and peers can create anxiety around the idea of ‘losing your virginity’. The reality is, no one is the same and our sexual journey is unique to us. There’s no set age we should start exploring sex and some people may decide they never want to have sex at all, like folks on the ace (asexual) spectrum.

We need to stop using the term ‘virginity’ as it’s harmful to everyone. It supports the idea that gender and sexuality are binary and that the only ‘real’ sex is the sort which includes penetration. It also fuels heteronormative tropes like the idea that cis het men should have lots of sexual partners and cis het women have more value if they’ve had fewer partners.

If you are starting off on your sexual journey, try not to be ashamed of your inexperience. We are all inexperienced at some point so anyone who tries to shame you isn’t worth your time and energy. Sex requires communication and trust so be up front about it, even if it means you might be rejected. The right people will be patient and understanding. 

Early on in your sexual journey, focus on:

  • Exploring self pleasure
  • Honing your communication skills
  • Learning how to pleasure others

Whether you’re 18 or 80, starting your sexual journey is an exciting but scary time. The biggest thing to remember is to go at a pace that you’re comfortable with…don’t do anything just because you feel like you should. Remember, there’s actually no such thing as ‘virginity’ and your sexual journey is your own to determine.