Here For a Good Time

People on dating apps are looking for all sorts on the spectrum of human engagement…everything from a hookup to a serious relationship. But I’ve noticed it’s very common to see cisgender, heterosexual men being clear they only want something casual…their profiles often void of any information aside from ‘nothing serious’ or ‘here for a good time, not a long time’.

So why is this? It could be their genuine dating preference, but the pressure of toxic gender stereotypes may play a part in this phenomenon too. These stereotypes tell us that women should want relationships, marriage and children from a young age, but that men should want have as much fun as possible and not desire these things until later in life.

Not sure what I mean? This is how the toxic masculine gender stereotype show up in society:

  • Stud praising: The lad/bro culture encourages men to talk about sex, not emotions. The narrative being that quantity of conquests equates to someone’s value as a man.
  • Relationship/emotion bashing: The language around relationships can be negative and discouraging…tropes like ‘Don’t catch feelings!’ and ‘simping’ are attached to anyone showing signs of affection or growing attachment when dating.
  • Career focus: Men are encouraged to pursue a career early in life and set themselves up financially to ‘settle down’ and ‘be the breadwinner’ later on for their family.

These gender stereotypes harm everyone and don’t allow people to choose what they want for themselves. Their decisions may be fuelled by a fear of ridicule from family and friends, rather than personal desire. So how can we break these gender stereotype patterns?:

  • Forget about body count. Masculinity isn’t linked to how many people someone has slept with. You aren’t less of a man of you prefer relationships to hook ups.
  • Talk about relationships in a positive way within your circle, especially with other men. Drop negative terms like ‘simping’ from your vocabulary and encourage others to do the same.
  • Call people out if they try to shame someone (and you!) about a dating preference and support friends/family members who are open about wanting a relationship.

Not everyone enjoys casual sexual encounters…it’s completely normal to want a deeper connection, intimacy and the fulfilment that comes with a relationship, regardless of your age. There’s no rulebook that says you should only want casual if you’re a young cisgender heterosexual man. Be honest when thinking about dating…ask yourself, is this what I really want, or is this just what I feel like I should do to fit in?

A Little More Conversation

Anyone on the dating apps knows that the talking stage is exhausting…you feel like you’ll scream if one more person asks ‘What brings you to Tinder?’ It can be taxing, but conversation is a necessary evil of online dating (unless someone never replies to your message…which can also happen!). 

Some people like to meet as quickly as possible to skip messaging, but some (like me) use this stage as an important part of the vetting process. So much communication happens at a distance, I want to see that someone can communicate effectively. I don’t want to date someone who’s fantastic in person but then won’t message me at all between dates…so the chat stage is important.

After you’ve set up your online dating profile and got the match, the real challenge begins. Everyone hates the ‘hey’ starter…you need to get someone’s attention from the start. For lighter chat but something more interesting than ‘how was your weekend?’ Why not try something like:

  • What was the last book you read/series you watched?
  • How would your best friend describe you? 
  • What’s your favourite memory from childhood? 

If you are like me and want to skip the small talk altogether, try one of these deeper conversation starters:

  • What’s your most controversial opinion?
  • If money wasn’t an issue, what would you do with your life?
  • When was the last time you cried? (Not for the faint hearted, but it will definitely get you to a deeper level of conversation fast!)

Conversation is like tennis, you have to keep the ball in play. So once you’ve started with one of the above, make sure to:

  • Ask open questions (not questions where they can reply with just a yes/no)
  • Don’t reply with one word answers, give more info if you can
  • Always ask at least one question back to keep things moving

Above all else, you want the conversation to be engaging…not just for them, but for you too. Texting isn’t for everyone and can be especially difficult for people with disabilities and neurodivergent daters. I’m a big voice noter…people like my voice/accent and it’s easier to read tone and personality from voice note rather than text. Some people like phone calls, others prefer video calls…think about which one you like best. Figure out what communication style works for you and your match to make for the most fun conversation! 

Edging

It’s easy to fall into the same routine with solo and partner play…you have a formula and it gets the job done, right? Wham, bam, thank you ma’am! But sometimes it’s nice to take a break from your regular patterns and mix things up…and edging is a great way to do that.

Edging is the practice of bringing yourself (or someone else) to the ‘edge’ of an orgasm, but stopping before the final event. You can edge over and over for as long as you want and the build up can make for more intense orgasms if and when they happen.

There are various methods of edging:

  • Timing: Play for certain lengths of time with rests between (good to break up the day when you are working from home!)
  • Number: Bring yourself to the brink for a set number of times during playtime (I’ve had submissives edge for as many times as possible in a 2-5 minute period)
  • Intensity: Vary the intensity of play…using a scale of 1-10, mix up how powerfully you play. Try playing at a 5 for a while, then amp it up to a 9, then back down again…fluctuating the tempo adds to the excitement

In addition to using the above, you can add other elements to take things to the next level:

While edging is a great way to enhance solo play, it can be used as part of partner play too. How it can be incorporated:

  • Distance: Edging is a fun way to play with each other at a distance. It can be done through verbal instruction or even app controlled toys
  • Mutual masturbation: Teasing each other and giving instruction to someone while in the same room can be incredibly hot (watching someone edge themselves is a personal fave of mine!)
  • Kink: Edging can be integrated into D/s play with someone, alongside orgasm denial, orgasm torture, caging and ruined orgasms

Edging is for anyone and can add so much more interest and fun to your sex life…it’s versatile and can be done over hours or even days, on your own or with partners. It brings a whole other dimension to play time and can help you be present with pleasure in the moment, rather than focusing on the end goal. Have you tried edging…what do you enjoy about it?

Cheating

We’ve all seen those online dating profiles when swiping…’looking for discreet fun’…’will send face pics after matching’. Cheaters are all over the apps (and in real life) and I’ve unfortunately encountered a few, despite avoiding these kind of profiles. I’ve always ended a relationship if I’m not happy, but it seems there’s no shortage of people out there who would rather cheat on their partners. 

So why do people cheat instead of breaking up? Some reasons might be:

  • Fun: Selfish people are happy to hurt anyone in the process of them getting their thrills (and cheating is definitely a kink for some)
  • Fear: Of being single, of hurting their partner by breaking up, of being seen as the ‘bad guy’, of a sunken investment of time (in long term relationships)
  • Unintentional: Feelings may start to develop for another person while they are still in a relationship and they act on those feelings

The truth will always come out with cheating and everyone will be hurt by the situation. Why is cheating so damaging?:

  • Trauma: It causes pain for everyone involved and can lead to long term problems in future relationships, especially for the innocent parties
  • Broken trust: Once trust is lost in a relationship, there may be no way to repair things even if you decide you want to
  • Reputation: ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater’…if you have cheated, it’s likely to be a black mark on your character for future dating
  • Sexual Health: Aside from the emotional impact of cheating, there can be physical risks too. The risk of transmitting STIs increases with multiple partners and even if you are practising safer sex you could pass on something to an unsuspecting partner

If things have gotten that bad in your relationship that you feel the need to cheat, you’ve got nothing to lose by being honest instead. There are healthier alternatives to cheating:

  • Work things out: Face the problems in your relationship, discuss the issues and seek therapy if you decide to move forward together
  • Explore relationship alternatives: Monogamy is usually the default model we are raised with but is it right for you? Research and discuss other options like ethical non-monogamy (ENM)
  • Break up: If you can’t see a way forward together, letting each other go and moving on separately is the kindest thing for everyone. Ensure you take the time getting over someone before dating again.

Cheating isn’t the solution to an unhappy relationship, it’s the cowardly alternative that causes more pain in the long run. Break ups will always hurt or putting time into repairing a relationship is difficult…but both are far better alternatives to cheating.

Don’t Tell a Cougar…

Chatting to a cougar for the first time can be daunting and I’ve had my fair share of cubs say all the wrong things. What seems like a compliment can come across as insensitive or disrespectful…you might put a cougar off before you’ve even got off the dating app! These are some of the common things cubs say that should be avoided…

Be careful not to make it all about what you want…it’s selfish and shows you don’t care about her needs. Don’t tell a cougar…

  • You’re my fantasy: She isn’t here to make all your dreams come true. It’s a two way street and this isn’t the compliment you think it is
  • I’ve been searching for a cougar for ages: This will make her feel like you just want ANY cougar, not her specifically…which won’t make her feel special
  • There’s so much you could teach me!: Maybe, but that’s not her job, so don’t expect it. She’s dating, not running a sex ed class

You are both aware of the age gap, that’s part of the appeal, but avoid distasteful references to her age. Don’t tell a cougar…

  • You look great for your age!: Just tell her she’s hot. Period. 
  • You’re the same age as my parents: This is a hard no…do you really want her thinking about your family as you chat her up?!
  • I was X years old when you did that: She knows, trust me. Focus on the now, not that you were a zygote when she was starting university! 

Cougars aren’t your real life porn fantasy. Don’t tell a cougar…

  • You make me so horny: If you say this before getting to know her, it’s obvious the IDEA of a cougar turns you on, not her as an individual 
  • It’s on my bucket list to sleep with a cougar!: This fetishises her and will make her feel like an object to be used for your sexual gratification
  • I love MILF/cougar porn: Congratulations…but don’t expect her to play out your favourite stepmom scenario. Cougars are normal women, not porn actresses

Making assumptions about a cougar’s dating/sex life isn’t wise. Don’t tell a cougar:

  • Let’s have a threesome with one of your cougar friends: Who say’s she’s into threesomes…or has another cougar friend?! Maybe concentrate on the one cougar you are talking to, rather than get greedy looking for more
  • You must be having great sex with cubs all the time!: I think I proved with the ‘Swipe Experiment’ that cougars don’t have the glamorous dating life you might think. Also, don’t assume she’s just wanting casual fun…plenty of cougars want a meaningful relationship too
  • I bet you’re kinky/good in bed: As I covered in ‘Cougar Myths’ everyone is different and just because a woman is older, doesn’t mean she will automatically be into rough sex or want anything kinky. Focus on getting to know her and see how things progress without having expectations

When chatting to an older woman, be honest, be yourself and don’t try too hard to impress. Cougars prefer genuine conversation over cheesy pick up lines and want to know you are interested in their personality, not just their age. Ditch all the cliches, don’t make assumptions, forget she’s older and respectfully talk to her how you would any potential date.

Getting Kinky

Getting into kink is a personal journey that can unlock a new level of sexual pleasure for you and your partner/s. Everyone is unique and our kinks are just as individual as our taste in food or music. There’s no rulebook…you don’t have to have a foot fetish or enjoy being degraded to be kinky. Kink is anything from ageplay to voyeurism and everything in between!

So how do you start exploring your kinks and working out what you enjoy?

  • Take the BDSM test: It’s not 100% accurate but it gives a top level overview of what your preferences might be (including whether you are a dom, sub or switch)
  • Do a yes/no/maybe list: This is literally a list of specific kink activities you can gauge your interest against (you can use the list when exploring with a partner too, in order to find mutual interests)
  • Pay attention to your fantasies: Is there a repeated theme when you watch porn or imagine sexual scenarios?
  • Reflect on past experiences: Think back to your hottest sexual memories…which ones stand out? What was it about them that really turned you on? For me, lots of my stand out experiences involve public play…that’s how I realised this was one of my kinks!

Once you have a loose idea of your turn ons, you can start exploring further. The next steps look like:

  • More exposure: Read more on the subject…fall down the rabbit hole of exploration on Twitter, Fetlife or Reddit to learn more about the nuances of a particular kink (are you a Daddy Dom or a Master?)
  • Research: This is important for any kink play. Safety comes first, so get familiar with RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) before indulging in play with anyone else. Make sure you understand the importance of negotiating scenes and aftercare too
  • Self pleasure: Before jumping in with a partner, go solo. If you think butt play might be your thing, try it on your own first
  • Partner fun: Broach the topic of your kinks with your partner or look for playmates on kink specific dating sites like Feeld, Fabswingers and Fetlife if you are single

It’s ok to be new to kink…but always be honest about your experience level when looking for play partners. The kink community won’t shame you for being a baby kinkster…just be respectful and open to learning and feedback. Be specific with your dating profile and kinks…this will minimise time wastage and help attract people who are into the same things as you.

As always, bear in mind that kink isn’t for everyone and you need not explore at all if it isn’t something that interests you. Vanilla experiences can be just as fulfilling or more fulfilling than kink for some people…again, we are all individuals who enjoy different things. The key is not to pressure yourself or others into any particular kinks (kink isn’t just an excuse to have rough sex)…it’s just about exploring things for yourself and finding other people who share your interests.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll discover kink is a slippery slope. Once you start exploring, you’ll discover more things you enjoy or want to try. That’s the wonderful part about kink…it’s an ever evolving journey. Interacting with other kinksters will open you up to new possibilities…you never know what you might start enjoying next week. There’s no hurry, just take it one step at a time and enjoy it all as it unfolds!

Dating Hygiene

If you speak to any woman who dates cis men, she’ll tell you at least one horror story of a date who’s personal hygiene was awful. Women preen for hours preparing for a date, but more often than not, the effort is far from reciprocated by men.

Personal hygiene is so important. First impressions last, so no matter how great you are as a person, if a date is distracted by your bad breath or dirty trainers, it’s game over. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who turns up to a date having made an effort with hygiene. Here are some easy ways to ensure your dating hygiene is on point:

Sight…the very first thing someone will notice on a date is your appearance:

  • Clothing: Make sure your outfit is comfortable, but appropriate for the date activity…tracksuit bottoms and trainers have no place at a dinner date. Don’t wear holey clothes (in particular underwear!) and pay attention to details like clean shoes and matching socks
  • Hair: Regardless of whether you are clean shaven or have a full beard…do a tidy pre-date. Same goes for the hair on your head…looking like you just rolled out of bed doesn’t scream effort to your date
  • Hands: Trim and clean nails. Dirty hands and nails are a huge turn off…those hands aren’t going near her unless they are clean!

Smell…arguably the most important thing, even beyond your appearance:

  • Shower: As close as possible to the date. If you’re coming from work, freshen up before you leave. Alternatively, if you are going straight to her place, ask if you can shower when you arrive…she will be more than happy to accommodate. Pay particular attention to your genitals…no smegma please! If you know butt play might be on the menu, take the time to prep this area too as an additional courtesy
  • Deodorant/cologne: Always wear deodorant, even in winter…it may be cold, but you might be getting sweaty later! Cologne is optional and welcome, but don’t overdo it…too much and she won’t be able to get near you without choking
  • Breath: Brush, floss and use mouthwash pre-date. These are absolutely non-negotiable…bad breath is a deal breaker for most people
  • Clothes: No matter how clean you are, if you throw on stinky trainers and week-worn stained jeans, it will defeat the purpose. Clean clothes only!

Taste…if the date goes well and things heat up:

  • Mouth: Have mints/gum on hand to stay fresh and kissable throughout your date (don’t forget to offer some to her too so you are both ready to go)
  • Cologne: Avoid spraying it on your skin, stick to your clothing only so if she kisses your neck and chest, she doesn’t get a mouthful of chemicals

Touch…last but not least:

  • Hair: Go easy on product so she can get her hands in your hair easily. There’s nothing worse than touching concrete, gel set hair in the throes of passion!
  • Skin: Moisturise, especially if you work outdoors in the elements and get dry skin. Pay particular attention to your face and hands

Bear in mind this list doesn’t just apply to first dates…it’s all dates. The standard of hygiene shouldn’t drop the longer you date someone. Good personal hygiene shows basic respect for yourself and your date…which is never optional. Men are a far more inviting prospect if they take pride in their hygiene…I promise, it won’t go unnoticed or unappreciated.

The Swipe Experiment

I constantly have cubs assume my dating life is very glamorous, with daily comments like ‘There must be a long line of guys falling over themselves to date you!’ I also hear complaints that online dating is much harder for straight men than any other group.

I decided to document the outcomes of 100 matches on the dating apps to show the reality of my online dating life and bust yet another cougar myth that I’m out there living my best dating life! The experiment lasted two months (starting 06/11/21) and here’s how it went:

My matches came from these online dating apps:

  • 35 Tinder
  • 26 Bumble
  • 19 Hinge
  • 12 Feeld
  • 8 Fabswingers

The demographic of my matches were:

  • 96 men
  • 4 women 
  • All aged 21-40 
  • Average age of 26 

This is what happened to the 87 matches that didn’t make it off the apps: 

  • 38 didn’t reply to my first message within three days (one of my online dating rules!) or their reply window timed out (on Bumble)
  • 15 unmatched me without giving a reason 
  • 12 had no chat chemistry
  • 12 were too s*xual
  • 3 lived too far away
  • 2 suggested a meet then flaked
  • 2 unmatched me when I set personal boundaries 
  • 1 suspected catfish 
  • 1 wasn’t over an ex yet
  • 1 woman actually came as a couple with a husband (who I wasn’t attracted to)

13 matches got my phone number and moved the conversation of the apps:

  • 6 from Bumble, 3 from Fabswingers, 2 from Tinder, 1 from Hinge and none from Feeld
  • 12 were men and 1 was a woman 
  • Average age was 28 
  • 5 dates arranged 
  • 5 time wasters who dragged the chat out but are too busy to date and eventually ghosted me 
  • 2 suspected catfish who refused to verify themselves when I made the request (one woman and one man)
  • 1 hadn’t read my online dating profile and wanted different things 

Here are the details of the 5 dates that went ahead: 

  • 3 were from Bumble, 2 from Fabswingers  
  • All men, average age of 31
  • 3 dates lacked chemistry in person
  • 1 signed up to my Onlyfans without asking for consent after a great date then ghosted me when I called him out on it
  • 1 admitted on the date that he wasn’t over his ex and wanted to get back with her

Other statistics from that two month swipe experiment period:

  • I approached and gave my number to two people in real life (one man and one woman). Both reached out to me, but the woman had a girlfriend and the chat died out with the man, so no dates came about
  • 9 guys who I had matched with previously and had ghosted me ‘popped up’ wanting another chance 
  • I ended up having one video call with a pop up…who turned out to be a racist, transphobic arsehole (I was so angry I hung up on him then messaged saying we shouldn’t date due to fundamental differences in our values!)
  • I had one great date with a pop up, but his distance and lack of time availability is likely to prevent more dates

The moral of the story is never assume anyone is having fun with online dating…regardless of your gender or what you are seeking, it’s tough. Try having a little more empathy and be kind to others on the apps. Be respectful, don’t ghost and only be on the apps if you have the time and energy…don’t waste the time of people genuinely seeking a connection out there. 

The Hangover Horn

It’s no coincidence that most of my online dating matches happen on a Sunday or the day after a major social event. It’s also the time when anyone who’s ever ghosted me feels the need to message ‘hey’ out of the blue. It’s the curse of the hangover horn and it’s a very real phenomenon.

While the hangover horn might seem innocuous, I’ve been on the receiving end of some pretty bad behaviour because of it. Just last night I had someone pop up and ‘desperately need to see me’. This guy has messaged sporadically for 18 months but never actually made the effort to ask me on a date. It had been six months since his last message and two seconds into the exchange I knew it was a booty call (that went unanswered, just to be clear).

You may think it’s innocent approaching someone when you’ve got the hangover horn but on the receiving end it feels:

  • Disrespectful: Only making contact when you want sexual favours is showing you don’t respect someone or their feelings
  • Selfish: You are prioritising your own sexual needs over kindness to another person
  • Dehumanising: You’re effectively asking someone to be a replacement for your hand…you don’t care who they are, as long as the job gets done

Messaging someone when you’ve got the hangover horn is a fuckboy move and will leave the other person feeling used and mistreated, even if nothing happens. The act of messaging them purely for your personal sexual gratification shows you don’t value them. It also shows you have a lack of self control and empathy towards others.

Having the hangover horn does not excuse behaviour like:

  • Sexting: Trying to engage someone in sexual conversation
  • Nudes: Sending unsolicited pics or manipulating someone into sending you nudes
  • Booty calls: Reaching out to someone you’ve ghosted or mistreated in the past just to try and get laid

Before swiping or messaging with the hangover horn, try a tactical wank and a cold shower. Some post-nut clarity might be just what you need to realise it’s a shitty move. The dating apps are not a dispensary for quick sexual gratification. If that’s what you want, buy some toys and go sign up to one of my spicy pages…take care of the problem yourself! 

Cougar/Cub Relationships

Speaking to cubs over the years, very few have been open to the possibility of a serious relationship with an older woman. They usually see cougars as a fantasy, a tick off their sexual bucket list…a one night stand or a brief fling at most. But there’s no reason cougars and cubs can’t have more serious, meaningful relationships.

What usually holds people back from a cougar/cub relationship is fear of judgement from family, friends and society for going against the ‘norm’. There might also be fear of entering into a dynamic they’ve not tried before. But all relationships have risks and avoiding a cougar/cub one could leave you missing out on something great.

Beyond the physical fun of the cougar/cub dynamic, a relationship has other benefits for a cub:

  • Maturity: A cougar knows who she is and what she wants in life
  • Honesty: No games or guesswork, you know where you stand because her intentions are clear
  • Independence: Cougars are self sufficient and have fully fledged lives of their own

You don’t have to be of a similar age to be in a relationship, but you do have to be in the same stage in life. A 32 year old man wanting kids isn’t compatible with a 50 year old woman. The key things to making a cub/cougar relationship work is:

  • Investment: A relationship is only possible if both people are emotional committed despite possible judgement from others
  • Communication: About what you want from the relationship short and longer term
  • Values: Are your career, relationship and family aspirations aligned and on the same timeline?

Successful longer term cougar/cub relationships are possible…they are just rarely discussed in a positive light. Did you know that Hugh Jackman is 13 years younger than his wife of 25 years, Deborra-Lee Furness? The French president Emmanuel Macron married Brigitte Macron 14 years go and she is 24 years his senior!

Cougars and cubs shouldn’t have to miss out on the deeper emotional connection that can come with a more serious relationship, just because of age. If you have a strong connection with someone, why not be more open to the possibility of a more serious relationship? Check out my tips on finding a cougar online or in the wild.