Dealing With Rejection

Rejection is one of the unpleasant but inevitable byproducts of dating. It’s usually our biggest fear as we put ourselves out there in the hopes of meeting someone. Since it can’t be avoided, dealing with rejection is a muscle to train like any other. 

The more you get comfortable with rejection, the less likely it is to feel personal. There are almost 8 billion people in the world…the reality is, you just can’t be everyone’s type! If someone respects you enough to tell you they don’t want to see you again, take it graciously…even if their delivery isn’t terribly sensitive:

  • Resist the urge to ask ‘Why?’ unless you are genuinely open to feedback 
  • Thank them for their honesty and wish them well with dating
  • Accept it and move on. Continuing to try and engage with someone or push for another date is a consent breach and disregard for someone’s boundaries

At its core, rejection just means someone wasn’t right for you, whatever the reason. Them leaving your life is a good thing…it allows space for the someone else to come along who’ll reciprocate the energy you give. Dating is a numbers game and you can’t vibe with everyone. If you really can’t handle the thought of rejection, or you are still getting over someone, it might be best to hold off on getting in the game.

If you’re out there dating, it’s likely you may have to let someone down along the way too. You can tell someone you don’t want to see them again without being cruel or making it personal. Especially if they’ve done nothing wrong and you’re just not feeling it. Be clear, concise and kind in your delivery:

  • I don’t think we’re the right fit, but it was nice to meet you
  • I’m not feeling a vibe between us, but thanks for the date
  • I don’t feel a spark, but I appreciate you taking the time to meet up

Round off by wishing them luck with dating and leave it there. Don’t suggest a friendship or staying in touch unless that’s something you truly want (without the prospect of something more). When done respectfully, rejection is a kindness. You’re giving closure and not leaving the other person wondering what happened. Ghosting is cowardly and more likely to hurt the person than if you’re just honest.

Rejection does get easier with time and practice. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end, push through the discomfort and deal with the negative feelings that surface. You’ll take things less personally over time and people will appreciate your integrity.

Delayed Gratification

In a world where social media reigns supreme and everyone is hooked on the promise of their next dopamine hit, the thrill of delayed gratification has been forgotten. Remember when you were young and you longed for that first kiss? Riding the high of uncertainty, wondering if they liked you too? Will they reach for my hand…is it finally happening…?!

I am all about the tease and letting the tension build…there’s something so tantalising about the anticipation of a moment (which anyone who enjoys Bridgerton will attest to). In a society that now values the instant likes, comments and attention we get online, I revel in the opposite…the drawn out game with someone in person.

Whether it’s with a new date or a longer term partner, the tease is all kinds of fun. So much of the deliciousness is lost in a quick hook up…for me, pleasure comes in the form of flirtation, which looks like:

  • Eye contact: A dropped gaze, a suggestive look, lingering glances
  • Body language: A touch of the arm, leaning in with interest, a knowing smirk, the bite of a lip
  • Words: Subtle innuendo, a cheeky joke, a playful lilt in their voice

There’s nothing sexier than feeling a burning desire but fighting the urge to tear each other’s clothes off. Restraint is an exquisite type of torture which leaves you craving more and can extend to sexual exploration too. Ways to indulge in the tease during masturbation or partner play are:

  • Long sessions: Set aside uninterrupted time, take the pressure off, go slow and enjoy the journey (foreplay is your friend here!)
  • Edging, chastity and orgasm control: Use a cock cage, timers and rules during sessions or over extended periods of time to create a frenzied state
  • Rules: Set playful parameters like ‘no using your mouth’ or ‘no touching’ for set periods of time. Mutual masturbation is great for the tease…playing in front of a partner without touching each other
  • Sensation play/deprivation: Removing one or more senses can enhance the others (like using a blindfold or headphones). Play with temperature, breath, touch, sound and visuals to heighten the suspense

‘Swipe, match, fuck’ isn’t my thing…and I’ve never once regretted taking it slow with someone. I am naturally flirtatious and will always love the long, drawn out tease. If you haven’t tried it, delayed gratification is a great way to bring excitement and variety to dating, relationships and sex…so why not give it a go?

Shoot Your Shot

Ever seen ‘shoot your shot’ on someone’s online dating profile? While it might seem inoffensive enough, this line is one of my top turn offs…it’s an immediate left swipe for me. Inviting someone to ‘shoot their shot’ with you comes across as entitled…especially if you haven’t bothered writing anything about yourself. Other versions of this look like ‘just ask’ or ‘message first’…all pet peeves of mine (alongside the ubiquitous ‘good vibes only‘ or starting the chat with ‘hey‘.)

Having any of these on your dating profile could give the wrong impression to potential matches. It might come across that you:

  • Are lazy and unwilling to put in any effort 
  • Expect a match to prove they are worthy of your attention
  • Are controlling and seek power over the other person
  • Have insecurities you are compensating for with bravado

Saying ‘shoot your shot’ sets the tone from the start that one person has more power than the other. It can foster an unhealthy dynamic of one person always feeling like they need to prove themselves while they other contributes very little effort. Hardly a good foundation for trust, fun and safe play.

Instead of ‘shoot your shot’ and other variations, ‘green flag’ profiles have:

  • A great bio: Someone who has the energy to date will usually put effort into actually writing about themselves (I don’t swipe right on empty bios)
  • A suggestion: ‘Let’s grab a drink and see if we vibe’ or ‘Swipe right and let’s get to know each other’ which implies equal standing from the start
  • A prompt: If someone is keen to engage you in conversation, they’ll often have a question in their bio to get the ball rolling and make it easy for you

Whether you’re on the apps for something casual or with a view to a relationship, dating is always a two way street. Both parties should be making an effort to get to know the other…it’s not about one person having to ‘shoot their shot’ and earn the other one’s time and attention. If you do find someone isn’t putting the time and effort into the chat after swiping right, in the words of Lalalaletmeexplain…Block, Delete, Move On. We all deserve someone who is willing to reciprocate our energy and enthusiasm when it comes to online dating.

Sexual Exploration

Whether it’s with a new playmate or in a long term relationship, sexual exploration can enhance your experience of pleasure. You can explore all sorts of new territory with partners, including everything from pegging, public fun, dominant/submissive experimentation to the use of sex toys. However, one of the most frequent questions I’m asked is ‘How do I get my partner to do X?’ Unfortunately, this immediately implies coercion is needed to fulfil our desires. Sexual exploration isn’t about getting what we want at all costs…it’s about having an open discussion and finding new common ground for pleasure with partners.

The foundation of safe sexual exploration is built on:

  • Consent: It’s rare that you will enjoy the exact same things as a partner. Respect their choice to say no
  • Vulnerability: It can be tough to share your desires with someone, but intimacy comes from being honest
  • Being judgement free: As the saying goes…don’t yuck someone else’s yum. When sharing desires, it’s not ok to shame someone for it

Conversations around trying something new need to happen outside the action…not in the heat of the moment. Everyone is more vulnerable when naked and someone might feel more pressured into an activity. If you want to try something new with a partner, create the time to raise it when they will feel safe. Some tips for the conversation:

  • Make it clear they can say no and that it won’t change how you feel about them
  • Offer to research together if they want more information before deciding
  • Give them space to process the idea without hounding them for an answer

If you have established kinks or fetishes, also decide if you have any dealbreakers. Say you have a foot fetish but a partner doesn’t like foot play with sex…can you go without or will it compromise your pleasure too much? Your dealbreakers can’t be forced on someone so you might need to find a better suited playmate or other ways to enjoy your love of feet. This might be solo play with porn or finding a middle ground that suits you both, like foot massages or the like. I would suggest cheating isn’t an option to get your needs fulfilled, though.

Whatever it is you want to explore, approach your partner with the mindset that it’s an honest discussion about desires. It’s not a manipulation to convince them into getting what you want…a ‘no’ is not a starting point for negation. The end goal should be more pleasurable, consensual sex for everyone involved.

Having Children

They say you can never truly be prepared for kids, but ignorance is definitely not bliss in this scenario. So many people become parents without really knowing what they were getting into. It’s the most serious commitment you can make in life and one that shouldn’t be entered into lightly. There’s also the big question…do you actually want children or is it just something you feel like you should do because it’s ‘normal’? 

Before deciding to have children, there are some key things to think about and discuss with a partner:

  • Relationship changes: Parenting puts a strain on all couples as the focus shifts to the child. Children are never the answer to ‘fixing’ a relationship, so until you know you are ready for the responsibility and are a solid couple, safe sex needs to be a priority. If you do decide on having children, how will you make time to prioritise each other to avoid dissatisfaction and cheating? What happens if you break up…are you able to be a single and/or co-parent?
  • Impact on a vulva owner: Pregnancy and childbirth are brutal and bodies don’t ‘bounce back’ in most instances after childbirth. Stretch marks, sagging, weight gain etc are all normal after pregnancy. Postpartum body dysmorphia can occur and a person might have long term identity and mental health issues after giving birth (I suggest everyone read The Vagina Bible to learn more…especially penis owners!)
  • The unexpected: Around 1 in 47 babies has a congenital birth defect…are you and your partner prepared to care for a child with special needs? Also, you may want biological children but find out you can’t have them…how will you handle that?
  • Parenting roles: In cis het couples, most of the parenting and domestic responsibility still falls on women. Parenting isn’t just playing footy with your kids once a week. It’s changing nappies, midnight feeds, laundry, cooking and sharing of all domestic responsibilities. The expectation of how these are distributed needs to be established beforehand. Research has actually shown that the sharing of household responsibilities increases partner satisfaction and the amount of sex a couple has in cis het relationships! This episode of The Man Enough Podcast takes a deep dive into this topic.

The heteronormative family model of mum, dad and 2.4 children is still predominant in society but that doesn’t mean it has to be for you. Family can be anything you make it and having children should be an informed decision, not just done because it’s the norm. You are the one who has to deal with the consequences, so do what’s right for you. Ultimately, that might be choosing to be child free and that’s ok.

Gender Stereotypes

Cis-gender stereotypes are so engrained in society that we experience them a hundred times a day and don’t even realise it. It starts with the gender reveal parties (which I’d love to eradicate) before we are even born. When we come into this world, there’s already an expectation of how we will look, dress, act and exist…purely based on the genitals we are born with. 

It seems absurd when you take a step back and think about it…so much of who we become as people is a projection of what society says we should be because of our gender. Why do certain personality traits need to be categorised as feminine or masculine? The same goes for clothing, makeup, careers and hobbies. Someone is no less of a man for deciding to be a nurse rather than a doctor. Someone is no less of a woman if she chooses not to have children. And someone is no less human if they don’t identify as either gender at all!

Gender stereotypes are damaging to everyone because they:

  • Aren’t inclusive: Humans are gloriously diverse and gender is not black and white. Binary cis-gender stereotypes invalidate trans, non-binary and gender fluid people
  • Create an unhealthy hierarchy: These tropes usually reinforce that masculine traits are superior to feminine ones, which is damaging for everyone (let boys cry!)
  • Tell us we are only acceptable if we are a certain way: It’s the arbitrary blueprint society has set for us and forces people to think they should be a certain way to be deemed ‘normal’

Gender is fluid and specific genders don’t own particular personality traits, have a monopoly on certain fashions or dictate a person’s career path. It’s ok for everyone to cry. All kids can be superheroes. Anyone can wear skirts, makeup and nail polish. 

A person is no less deserving of kindness, and respect if they don’t fit within the gender stereotypes society has set. Our value isn’t defined by what we wear, our career or whether we show masculine or feminine qualities. I suspect if we all stopped trying to pigeonhole people into stereotypical gender roles, we’d see a shift towards acceptance and everyone feeling safe to be and express who they really are.

Cougar Appeal

Whether a cub is wanting their first experience with an older woman or it’s been their dating preference for a while, they all say the same thing about cougar appeal. I am frequently told that it’s enjoyable to date an older woman because they:

  • Know what they want in life 
  • Are comfortable in their own skin 
  • Can hold mature conversations
  • Are more sexually confident 

This might be true, however lots of young men put down women their own age in an attempt to highlight these things. Saying ‘I can’t have decent conversations like this with women my age’ or ‘Women my age aren’t into that’ isn’t a compliment to me…it’s just insulting other women. 

It’s not fair or appropriate to compare cougars to younger women. Cougar appeal comes from the fact that as women, we have overcome society telling us from a young age that we:

  • Must be perfect: We are told our value depends on having the perfect body, being ‘good’ and being what men want
  • Should want to be wives and mothers:  It starts early with sex education…we are told that sex is only something we should do when we are married and our bodies are built for making children, not for pleasure
  • Are not equal to men: The pay gap, the orgasm gap, ‘men are assertive but women are bossy’. The patriarchy reinforces that this is a man’s world and we have to fight for equality

Women spend their whole adult lives trying to reprogram their mindset from the unhealthy script we are given in our youth. As we get older we question why boys were told they could be superheroes while we were told to be princesses. We start to ask why we are called sluts for enjoying sex when men are called studs. We have to learn to love our bodies just as they are, not as we were told they should be.

Young women deserve compassion…they are facing adversity young men aren’t even aware of. Cougars have 20 plus years of experience dealing with all the shit society has thrown at us…these young women are just at the beginning of that journey. Don’t ever put down another woman in order to compliment a cougar on her appeal (along with these other things you don’t tell a cougar). We need to support and encourage all women as they navigate their way in this patriarchal world.

Good Vibes Only

Dating app profiles often contain glaring red flags, but some are hard to spot and go undetected as just another dating profile cliche. There are a few key phrases which at surface level seem pretty innocent or even justified, but can put people off swiping right because of the perceived deeper meaning behind them.

These are the kind of statements I’m talking about that might trigger an immediate left swipe:

  • Good vibes only
  • Not looking for drama
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously 
  • No psychos

When I see things like this in someone’s bio, it says to me that they might:

  • Have unrealistic expectations: People are human…we can’t expect them to be happy 100% of the time. Advertising ‘good vibes only’ immediately sets an unattainable standard of behaviour for potential matches
  • Avoid conflict: At the first sign of things not going their way, this person might bail (yes, all those people who ghost!). Dating and relationships are rarely smooth sailing, being able to navigate the tough times is important
  • Be emotionally unavailable: It signposts that someone might lack empathy, will likely not be kind and won’t deal with anything remotely inconvenient, like feelings 
  • Have unresolved past trauma: Putting these things in a bio can show someone has been hurt before and hasn’t processed those feelings or moved on. That lingering hurt might then influence how they treat others when dating

Stating ‘no drama’ on your profile isn’t going to stop any potential dating disasters anyway, so why waste your word count on that? If you have any of these things stated in your bio, maybe it’s time to step back and ask yourself:

  • Do I have the emotional energy to date with empathy, compassion and kindness? (Even for casual encounters!)
  • Why am I afraid of having to deal with negative emotions/conflict?
  • I’m not perfect, so why do I expect someone I’m dating to be?

Regardless of whether you are looking for a hookup or a relationship, we are dealing with other human beings when we date. People who aren’t perfect, have bad days and make mistakes. People who deserve respect, compassion and understanding even if they won’t be happy, fun and drama free every minute of every day.

Vulva Owner’s Pleasure

Vulva owners are conditioned from a very young age to be people pleasers and put everyone else’s needs first. One area this can show up is during partnered sex…especially with society’s focus on penis pleasure and penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.

The orgasm gap is very real and is most prominent in heterosexual sex than any other type of partnered sex. Some of the reasons why cis het women may not reach orgasm with their cis het male partners are:

  • Time: Vulva owners need longer than men to achieve arousal
  • Penetration: Only around 20% of vulva owners can orgasm from penetration alone. One of the many reasons why porn isn’t sex education and why penis size doesn’t matter!
  • Self consciousness: Vulva owners may not feel comfortable being vocal about their sexual needs. Mainstream cis het porn, movies and TV shows portray sex as centred on male pleasure and ending with the male orgasm…a woman’s pleasure is rarely shown. Sex education isn’t focused on pleasure either and historically, women have been slut shamed for enjoying sex…hardly a foundation for women to feel comfortable speaking up about what they want!

Direct communication with your partner is the best way to improve a vulva owner’s level of pleasure…they know their own bodies best! No two people enjoy the same things, so don’t assume what you’ve done in the past will work with a new partner (something I’ve experienced many times in the past…trust me, you don’t know our bodies better than us).

Many vulva owners just go along with what their partner wants and fake enthusiasm or orgasms to make their partners feel good during sex. That’s just how we’ve been conditioned to know how sex should be. So how you communicate is important to get past this hurdle. The best way is to let them lead the discussion…so your desires don’t influence a vulva owner.

What does this look like?

  • Reframing: Instead of asking yes/no questions or stating something you like and asking if they likes it too, ask more open questions. Asking things like ‘What turns you on?’ ‘What would you like to try?’ ‘What are your fantasies?’ will get you much closer to understanding what they really enjoy
  • Feedback: Leave your ego at the door and make sure your partner feels safe to share feedback without you being offended. Your partner is likely to shut down and not share if they are fearful being honest will hurt your feelings. If they don’t enjoy something, don’t take it personally, just adjust and try different things. Reinforce all of this by telling your partner you don’t want them to fake it…let them know you are genuinely invested in their pleasure
  • Show, don’t tell: Ask them to show you how they play when alone…let them teach you how their body likes to be stimulated. Mutual masturbation is a great option here…very hot and very fun!

Beyond communication, here are some ways to help bridge the orgasm gap and give partners with vulvas more pleasure:

  • Focus: Take PIV off the menu and prioritise everything else. Clitoral stimulation is key, along with other erogenous zones like nipples, inner thighs, neck etc
  • Toys: Are your team mates, not competition…embrace them (my recommendations live here). Remember, it’s about their pleasure, not your ego…you aren’t any less of a lover for using every tool to pleasure your partner!
  • Intimacy: Start outside the bedroom with cuddling, kissing and general affection. Other things that can help get someone in the mood are a sensual bath or massage. Helping them feel relaxed generally will help them enjoy more pleasure during sex

Orgasms aren’t necessarily the end goal nor the measure of a good sexual encounter, however a vulva owner’s pleasure should be prioritised equally during sex. Remember, sex doesn’t have to end when a penis has ejaculated. There’s nothing more appealing than someone who cares about their partner’s pleasure and is willing to dedicate the time and energy to tend to their needs.

Catfishing

Catfishing has a few definitions, but I define it as a person lying about aspects of their life or who they are in order to manipulate someone and get what they want. This could be anything from a match, to a date or sex, to money (think The Tinder Swindler).

I’ve had my fair share of catfish encounters since being on the dating apps and it really takes its toll. Whether it’s a lie by omission, a white lie or a bold face one, each incident has left me feeling less trustful of people. 

Aside from professional catfish looking to extort people for money, these are some of the things people lie about on dating apps (that I’ve encountered):

  • Age: In order to get the attention of an older or younger audience, people lie about their age so they are seen by people who may not have their age range set to capture them
  • Relationship status: This is usually people who are (supposedly) in a monogamous relationship and looking to cheat. People sometimes fail to disclose that they are in an ethical non-monogamous or open relationship until after a match too
  • Intentions: Not being open about wanting casual or a relationship…just agreeing with the other person to get what they actually want
  • Children: Not disclosing they have children and/or their custody situation (therefore how much free time they actually have to date)
  • Height: The ever present 6ft saga. This has to be the most common lie of all…and the one that baffles me most
  • Physique: Self consciousness (especially post lockdowns) so only posting old photos or face pics
  • Baldness: A hat in every photo or again, old photos
  • Sexuality: Often people will not say openly that they are bisexual, asexual, pansexual etc for fear of people making snap judgements and not swiping right
  • People with disabilities: May not feel comfortable disclosing this immediately for fear of unfair discrimination/rejection

Unfortunately the online dating culture is a superficial one and I can see why people lie about some of these things…much like exaggerating a resume for job interviews. The idea being to get your foot in the door and let someone get to know you before you drop in the truth. Or worse, let them discover it when they meet you (or afterwards in some cases). It’s the initial fear of rejection that has people presenting the edited version of themselves online.

There’s a lot of grey area for debate on this topic…I think the scale of acceptance varies person to person. It depends on your own boundaries and what you want from dating. For me, someone not disclosing they have children is a dealbreaker, because I don’t want children, nor do I want to date anyone who has children. However I date people with disabilities, so if I learn that information after matching, I’m not concerned.

In an ideal world, everyone would be honest about themselves in their profiles. At the end of the day, when you lie or omit key information, it’s manipulation…you are removing someone’s ability to make an informed choice for themselves. It shows that you’re selfish…you are putting your needs and wants ahead of anyone you might match with, disrespecting them as a person. Also…if you lied on your profile, a match might wonder what else you’ll lie about…you come across as dishonest. There’s no foundation of trust to build on and it ends up being a date of everyone’s time in the long run. Honesty from the start is my vote! 

What are your thoughts on catfishing?