Creepy Moves

Dating is a minefield at the best of times and we’ve all said and done things we regret. These are usually innocent missteps you can get past quickly. But there’s also a host of creepy moves that are sure to make someone feel really uneasy and lose you a potential date.

• Location •

Mentioning how close you are in the first few messages on the apps is very off putting. Safety is a huge concern for women in particular and this gives stalker vibes. Asking for specifics on where someone works or lives is an added level of creepy and the worst is when someone says they’ve seen you locally at the gym or train station.

• Approaching •

If there’s been a flirty smile and some eye contact across the room before approaching someone, that’s ok. But if I’ve never even looked in your direction and you interrupt my gym session to tell me I’m pretty (true story)…don’t expect a favourable response.

• Familiarity •

Being overly familiar with someone you’ve just started chatting to is another creepy move. Calling someone ‘baby’ and acting like you are soul mates three messages in is too much. At best you’ll put unnecessary pressure on the person and at worst you’ll be seen as a love bomber. 

• Stalking •

Unless someone volunteers the information, tracking them down on social media is a violation of privacy. I had a guy stalk me on LinkedIn from a dating app and I still don’t know how he found me. There’s a reason I don’t show my location or occupation on the apps…too many creeps.

• Contact •

Even if someone has given you access to their social media, there are wrong ways to use it. Spam liking, leaving comments on every post or repeatedly trying to audio/video call someone is so creepy as a complete stranger. There’s a right way to slide into someone’s DMs. And sending a DM from an anonymous, faceless account is the worst (cheating much?). 

• Coercion • 

Unless someone gives you enthusiastic and ongoing engagement, don’t continue to harass them. Read body language and tone of voice as well as someone’s words. They may feel unsafe to give a direct ‘no’ so back off if it’s clear your advances are unwanted. An unclear ‘no’ is not an invitation to keep trying (learn to deal with rejection). If someone is keen, they’ll make it clear!

What creepy moves have you encountered in dating? 

Mayhem’s Kinks Part II

That’s right…I have enough kinks to do a second post on the topic. It’s likely there will be a third at some point too…kink is a very slippery slope!

• Public Play •

I imagine this is connected to my exhibitionism/voyeurism kinks (refer to Part I of my kink list)…I get such a rush from doing naughty things in public/secret. Especially at this time of year when the sun is out and you can play outdoors. My signature move is pulling someone into a bathroom stall on a night out for some fun. 

• Lingerie •

In case my Instagram account wasn’t a clue, I have a thing for lingerie. Like a big thing. I love how it feels…the constriction on my body, the fabric on my skin…it all gets me in the mood. I also adore dressing partners in lingerie, no matter their gender. Why should I monopolise the fun?

• Sex Toys •

I have all the toys…seriously…three drawers full, as well as a hanging display on my wall. Whether it’s for vulvas, vaginas, peens or butts…if it enhances the potential for pleasure, I own it. The next step is to branch out into sex furniture, which requires a bigger apartment and a dedicated sex room (watch this space).

• Butt Stuff •

I don’t discriminate here…tongues, fingers, toys, peens, strap ons…yes please. It goes both ways too…I’ll happily give (even to straight cis men…butt play does not make you gay) and receive when it comes to all butt stuff. I know I look innocent but I’m that filthy.

• Sensation Play •

While impact play isn’t my thing, I do enjoy other sensations on my skin. Massage oils, toys, wax, ice…pick your poison. Add in a blindfold, headphones and/or restraints and it kicks up a gear. When you deprive some of the senses, the others are immediately enhanced…the intensity is divine.

• Gentle Femdom •

As a Mummy Domme, I enjoy the sensual side of dominance. Teasing, edging and denial are all my particular brand of control. I’m here for your pleasure, but I want you begging for it first. Delayed gratification and seeing someone needy for release is a top tier turn on.

• Bondage •

This is the newest entry to the list. I recently had a taste of being tied at Eroticon and even this brief experience was a game changer. It felt so intimate and gave me such a submissive release I’m very eager for more. As with all my kink exploration, I’m keen to learn how to tie too…always a switch!

What kinks should I explore next?

Mayhem’s Kinks Part I

If you’ve been following me for a while you might know some of my kinks (I’m not quiet about them), but I thought I’d share the current list (refer to number four…I just can’t help myself).

• Experimentalism •

I feel like a mad scientist sometimes…concocting ideas for playtime and constantly craving the thrill of something new (we all start our kink journey somewhere!). This extends to partners too…I derive so much pleasure from introducing others to things…hearing ‘I’ve never tried that before’ really excites my kinky brain.

• Praise Kink •

I’m not a huge fan of compliments, but I have a praise kink. I know, it’s complicated. Put ‘good’ or ‘little’ in front of any sentence and I’ll eat it up like a good little slut.

• Voice Kink •

Certain voices and accents really get me going…especially when things like ‘cum for me’ are said in the heat of the moment. I cannot tell you how sexy it is even just to hear someone say my name…it feels so intimate to me.

• Exhibitionism •

In case you hadn’t noticed, I like attention. Whether it’s flaunting my butt on social media or PDA out on a date, I get a real kick from being on show. The spicy account is a whole other level…knowing people pleasure themselves over me is delicious. I have many, MANY fantasies about real life exhibitionist scenarios that I hope to live out someday.

• Voyeurism •

This one is only triggered in niche circumstances. I need to know and be dating the people involved to enjoy this. Think mutual masturbat!on and watching on during a threesome rather than observing strangers at a sex club (which I have done, but it didn’t get my juices flowing). 

• Mummy Domme/little girl •

As a switch, my mood fluctuates between Mummy and good girl. This isn’t about age play, it’s about a nurturing/service dominance (it’s not all about whips and pain)…the dynamics create a safe space for exploration. I’m sensual and for me, this is all about the dominant bringing pleasure to the submissive.

• Adult Nursing Relationship •

This is the big scary one I’m still coming to terms with…adult nursing. There’s been a lot of self kink shaming over this one, let me tell you! I have no aspirations to lactate, but there’s something about the closeness and soothing of a partner I find hot. Stroking someone’s hair, telling them they are being so good for Mummy…it’s all so sexy. I’m incredibly sensitive too so the stimulation of suckling is intensely pleasurable.

Part II coming soon…which kinks do we have in common? 

How to Lose a Match in 10 Seconds

Most dating app profiles I see look like they’ve been generated by the same terrible advice page on the internet (they’ve clearly not taken all my good advice on how to make a great online dating profile!). With thousands of profiles to choose from, looking the same as everyone else really doesn’t cut it. Lots of people moan about never getting a match, but do nothing to stand out from the crowd.

If any of these are in your bio, you’ve lost most people already (including me):

  • Just ask
  • I don’t know what to write here
  • Will fill this out later

People do read bios and it could be the difference between you getting a match or not. It’s not just about photos…people want to see you’ve put in some effort, know who you are and have energy to give to dating. It doesn’t need to be your life story, but you need to show something. No bio? No right swipe.

Avoid negativity…it will also lose you matches. We all know online dating is a bin fire, but saying things like ‘don’t match and not chat’ is an awful first impression. I’m about as jaded as it comes and even I don’t swipe right on anyone who puts their distain for dating in their profile. It shows they’ll likely be miserable to date.

Ditch all the boring cliché prompts:

  • Dogs are better than cats
  • Going to the Winchester in a zombie apocalypse 
  • The quickest way to my heart is through my chest
  • Good vibes only

Using any of these generic replies makes you look lazy, boring and just like everyone else on the apps. Why would anyone swipe right on someone whose most controversial opinion is pineapple on pizza? Remember, you need to grab someone’s attention and show potential matches what makes you unique.

Listing the physical attributes you desire is a bad idea. Saying you’re into brunettes will only offend non-brunettes and show everyone else you’re shallow. Physical attraction plays a part in swiping but that’s what the photos are for…just swipe accordingly! Why narrow your chances of a great match over something so superficial? 

If in doubt, ask a friend or family member to look over your profile (or take the advice from now of my fantastic guides!). Preferably ask someone who has used the apps (successfully) so they know what you’re up against. Apparently you have just seven seconds to make a good first impression with someone.

What impression does your dating profile make?

Women and Casual Sex

I recently got into a heated debate with an old (cis het male) colleague over his belief that ‘women can get sex when they want, men get sex when they can’ and that women ‘biologically’ need an emotional connection to enjoy sex. Let me make this very clear…plenty of women want casual sex and trust me, we don’t need to have feelings for you to enjoy it.

The problem is that women can’t get the casual sex we want from cisgender heterosexual dynamics. My friends and I often lament that we can’t find one decent cis man to shag. I have about 80k likes across the dating apps…I. Have. Looked (remember The Swipe Experiment?!). Flakiness, ghosting, poor hygiene and general disrespect aside, most men just don’t give a shit about our sexual pleasure.

The orgasm gap is real…women are climaxing far less with men than with women or during masturbation. I crunched the numbers…only a third of men have brought me to orgasm in the last three years. So yeah…I can get sex, but I can’t necessarily get pleasure. An orgasm isn’t the only measure of success…but women deserve sex with men who are at least trying to meet our needs.

Nothing makes me roll my eyes more than the gender stereotype that women need an emotional connection to enjoy sex. We don’t. Women just need the person we are having sex with to treat us like a human being, respect us and care about our needs…it’s that simple. The sad reality is that we usually only get that from men who are emotionally invested in us (yes, yes, I know…not all men). 

Casual sex isn’t a free pass to treat someone like a sex toy to selfishly use on demand. Unless that’s your particular kink, why would a woman want that?! If casual sex comes at the price of us lowering our standards, being disrespected and not getting our sexual needs met, can you blame us for not being enthusiastic about it?

Women don’t need to have an emotional connection to have sex with men, however we do expect men to be kind, respectful and care about our pleasure (it’s not simping to treat a woman like a human being). Women can absolutely do casual…I can do casual. But until I meet a man capable of communicating well, being consistent, respectful and invested in my sexual needs, I’ll be sticking to my toys thanks.

Friendship From Dating

While my dating life has arguably been a train wreck over the last few years (I really should write a book about my bad dates), I’ve made a ton of great friends. The silver lining, I guess? While not every missed romantic connection can turn into a friendship, sometimes the chemistry works for the longer term plutonic relationship.

To form successful friendships from dating you first have to be comfortable with:

Ever had it where someone seems perfect on paper…similar interests, there’s attraction, the chat is great, but that intangible ‘something’ just isn’t there? Or you find someone amazing but distance and lifestyles don’t facilitate you ever meeting? You might have friend chemistry…you may not have to throw it all away if you really like them.

Only consider friendship if you:

  • Genuinely want this person in your life
  • Aren’t secretly hoping to shag them at some point
  • Have time and energy to give them (same goes for dating in general!)

Friendship with an ex can be tougher territory to navigate. It could be hurtful for one or both of you and negate your ability to heal and move on. If you do want to try it, be mindful of not to slip back into more, or continue to give someone relationship privileges (like too much emotional support…I’ve been there).

Before friendship with an ex, consider if you:

  • Need a cooling off period after the breakup
  • Can be friends while they date others
  • Are just clinging to the hope of reuniting

Whether you are attempting a friendship from or after dating, set some boundaries. These could be around frequency of contact, whether you’ll talk about new partners and if you’ll meet in person or just keep things online. Communicate your limits clearly at the outset so to minimise hurt.

At the end of the day, a date doesn’t have to result in either a romantic or plutonic connection…we’ve all had dates with people we literally never want to see again (refer to my earlier point about being able to write a book about my bad dates…). But if you do meet someone fantastic and really want them in your life as a friend, why not try it?

Dating Safety

Anyone on the dating apps will tell you they are heavily populated with catfish, scammers and people wanting to do harm. It’s inevitable you’ll encounter at least one of these during your time on the apps…I know I’ve had my fair share. It’s a good idea to have some rules in place for your dating safety.

The first ways to be safe:

  • Only swipe right on verified profiles
  • Don’t show your surname or occupation/workplace in your dating app profile (even without this, I’ve still had guys somehow track me down on LinkedIn)
  • Do a video call before a date if you feel uneasy

It’s easy to get carried away in the heat of the moment (or when you have the hangover horn), but watch out for someone wanting to engage in sexting and exchanging nudes early on. If someone asks for your socials and you’ve been sending nudes to them, they may threaten to send your pics to family or friends unless you pay them off. Unless you’re happy for grandma to see your bits, try to exercise some restraint!

Avoid the trap by not:

  • Sending nudes before meeting (especially unsolicited ones…this is always a no no)
  • Giving your socials out immediately
  • Exchanging numbers until you’ve met

At the point of meeting, there are other safety considerations. Especially if you are meeting a couple or going to private sex parties through kinkier apps…you open yourself up to lots of physical dangers. You also need to consider your safety when travelling to and from venues (even if the party is safe, waiting for an Uber after it ends at 3am is not).

When planning a first meet:

  • Tell a friend where you are going
  • Meet in a public, populated area first
  • Keep an eye on your drinks
  • Plan how you’ll get home

As well as being mindful of your own safety, making sure your match/date feels safe is also important. Respect their boundaries and ask what you can do to ensure they feel safe. Don’t make someone feel unreasonable for wanting to put safety measures in place. Ultimately they will be more relaxed and enjoy things more if they feel safe!

You can be as cautious as you want on dating apps and still be caught out. At least by being prepared, you can minimise the potential of putting yourself in danger and help others feel more comfortable too. When it comes to your safety, always err on the side of caution and go with your gut…if something feels off, it probably is.

Eroticon 2023

Empathy. Last weekend was my first Eroticon and the overwhelming impression was that people were there to listen, to support, and to encourage each other. Everyone held space for others and showed up with genuine curiosity…the whole experience felt like a big, warm hug (this cuddle slut was very happy).

Respect. I met so many incredible humans who have attended Eroticon since its inception. The wealth of kindness, kink history and hilarious stories these originals bestowed upon us newbies showed such a generosity of spirit.

Ownership. We all came to Eroticon owning our sexuality. Owning our love of filth. Owning our shortcomings but having an openness to learn and grow.

Transformative. Eroticon was an unexpectedly liberating experience for me. I finally made a dent in my imposter syndrome and celebrated my queerness. I thought I was just going to learn about writing…instead I came away with a deeper understanding and compassion for myself.

Inspirational. My naughty little mind is exploding with the information I took on in those two short days. Not just from the incredible speakers, but from every single person I spoke to. I have new energy and ideas for Madam Mayhem…so watch this space.

Community. The term ‘sex people’ was used in reference to Eroticon attendees on day one…spoiler alert…‘sex people’ turn out to be my people. By the end of the conference I felt a strong connection to the Eroticon community.

Orgasmic. Yeah…it was informative, but it was also sexy as fuck. Sigh.

Next time. The come down post-Eroticon has been rough…leaving that very special bubble of people and experiences feels like Domme drop. I’m not sure I’ve fully processed just how incredible this experience was, but I do know one thing…I’m already craving the next Eroticon…

Office Romance

Fun fact…I’ve hooked up with at least one person in every office I’ve worked in (including my current one, shh). There’s something alluring about an office fling, but here are a few things to consider before taking the plunge…

Risks

Where you work and how long you’ve been there are factors to consider. A startup may not care about fraternisation, but a top law firm will likely have strict policies. Even in more liberal offices, shagging someone in your first week is probably not a wise move…at least get past probation! Also, you may be up for it but the other person may not want to take the risk…so be prepared for rejection.

Dealbreakers

Don’t sleep with a manager or a direct report. Best case, teammates may perceive favouritism…worst case, there could be harassment claims. It’s not worth the possible damage to your career…stick to people outside your direct team.

Communication

If you do start something, communicate what you want…is it casual or are you the next Pam and Jim? Even if you want the same thing, you’ll have to navigate work if it does go wrong. In that case, set some clear boundaries…try to minimise discomfort in the office afterwards. You can’t just ghost someone you are forced to see every day.

Discretion

It’s fun to have an office flirt and makes the day go by faster…but remember you are a professional being paid to do a job. Constantly hanging out by your crush’s desk is a quick way to get yourself fired…so indulge it in moderation.

Location

Much like indulging in public fun, playing in the office is a very exciting thought. But bear in mind there’s CCTV everywhere these days and apps that track your time on site…be very cautious. Even if your workplace is ok with employee relationships, they still won’t approve of sex on the boardroom table after hours. 

Reality Check

Much like long distance, dating someone in the office doesn’t make for a natural dating dynamic. It’s all fun and games until you realise you have to see someone eight hours a day as well as outside of work. It can be intense…are you ready to hear them moan about your colleagues on dates? Bear in mind the reality of the scenario, not just the fantasy.

Take it from an office romance ninja…when done right, it’s fantastic fun. I’ve never been caught and the thrill of having a secret fuck buddy at work definitely makes the office less boring. Be clever about it if you think it’s worth the risk and relish in the naughtiness!

Dominant Myths

Thanks to the likes of 50 Shades of Grey, there are so many misconceptions out there about kink. Unless you’ve spent time in the community and researched thoroughly, mainstream media would have you believe a ton of myths about D/s dynamics. Some Dominant myths are…

Dominants must be obeyed

With any D/s interaction, consent and safety are key. Any Dominant who expects you to obey them without question is a fake. Submissives always have the right to say no.

Dominants don’t need aftercare

Dominants shoulder a lot of stress and responsibility during a scene and require aftercare just as much as subs. They may experience ‘Dom Drop’ and need extra care and reassurance, especially after particular scenes like CNC.

Dominants have all the control

The truth is, both Dominants and submissives have control. Any D/s dynamic needs a foundation of trust, communication and negotiation. Any play should be agreed to by everyone involved, so even if a Dominant is leading, everyone has consented to play.

Dominants are always harsh

Subs tell me I’m mean, but my brand of cruelty comes in the form of teasing, edging and delayed gratification. Not all Dominants enjoy pain play or humiliating subs…this doesn’t make them any less dominant. Dominants don’t all operate in the same way.

Only men are dominant

Anyone can be a Dominant…kink is judgement free and it’s a place to be your true self, regardless of your gender or sexuality. Saying only men can be dominant is misogynistic plays into gender stereotypes and doesn’t allow for the inclusion of non-hetero D/s dynamics.

Dominants are always dominant

Dominants are people too. Unless you’re in a 24/7 arrangement (and even then) Dominants have insecurities, they have bad days and times when they need caring for. Being a Dominant doesn’t mean they aren’t human…their needs, boundaries and consent must be respected too. 

If you are getting involved in kink, it’s helpful to understand these myths. Dominants can be hugely misunderstood and bear the brunt of bad behaviour from ignorant submissives. Be respectful when speaking to Dominants, keep an eye out for fakes and if in doubt, ask. Don’t make assumptions about Dominants based on these kind of myths.