Virginity

Let’s get one thing clear…virginity is a social construct. You aren’t suddenly a different person once you’ve had sex for the first time and what constitutes ‘sex’ looks different for everyone, so how can it be measured? The idea of virginity is completely fictional and shouldn’t play any part in dictating someone’s sexual identity or journey. 

What’s so harmful about the idea of virginity?

  • It only validates PIV sex
  • Creates pressure around sex
  • Attributes value to someone based on  their experience

A lack of sex education, the influence of mainstream media and peers can create anxiety around the idea of ‘losing your virginity’. The reality is, no one is the same and our sexual journey is unique to us. There’s no set age we should start exploring sex and some people may decide they never want to have sex at all, like folks on the ace (asexual) spectrum.

We need to stop using the term ‘virginity’ as it’s harmful to everyone. It supports the idea that gender and sexuality are binary and that the only ‘real’ sex is the sort which includes penetration. It also fuels heteronormative tropes like the idea that cis het men should have lots of sexual partners and cis het women have more value if they’ve had fewer partners.

If you are starting off on your sexual journey, try not to be ashamed of your inexperience. We are all inexperienced at some point so anyone who tries to shame you isn’t worth your time and energy. Sex requires communication and trust so be up front about it, even if it means you might be rejected. The right people will be patient and understanding. 

Early on in your sexual journey, focus on:

  • Exploring self pleasure
  • Honing your communication skills
  • Learning how to pleasure others

Whether you’re 18 or 80, starting your sexual journey is an exciting but scary time. The biggest thing to remember is to go at a pace that you’re comfortable with…don’t do anything just because you feel like you should. Remember, there’s actually no such thing as ‘virginity’ and your sexual journey is your own to determine.

Chastity

With Locktober just around the corner, it’s a good time to talk about chastity. While anyone can try chastity, it’s generally submissive penis owners who participate. The duration of chastity is completely up to the device wearer (and their Dom/me/mx)…a cage can be worn for a session, a day or even 24/7, depending on the dynamic.

Chasity can be a standalone kink or form part of a wider kink such as:

It might seem like a counterintuitive way to bring pleasure, but chastity is much loved by penis owners and their partners alike. By caging someone and removing their penis from play, new territory can be explored. It can serve to enhance the dynamic of ownership and servitude and put the focus on other areas of play that are often neglected.

How to get started with chastity:

With any form of chastity, hygiene and safety need to be priority. Even the most well practised 24/7 chastity subs have to unlock and reset sometimes. You need to ease in slowly with timed sessions and breaks to build tolerance. A well fitting cage is a must to minimise chaffing and injury and you need to read up on cleaning and care.

You don’t require a key holder/partner for your chastity journey. With discipline, it can be self managed or for those with less willpower, there are online Dom/me/mx key holding services (I am offering this service through my OnlyFans). People who guide and discipline you from a distance as you undertake locked time. If you are exploring chastity with a partner there are other things to consider.

Partner chastity negotiations should include:

  • Terms/aims agreed to suit all parties
  • Regular check ins/renegotiations
  • Safety/emergency protocol 

However you go about it, chastity can be a really powerful way to enhance a D/s dynamic or explore your own discipline and pleasure journey. As always, research, communication, preparation and safety are key (so to speak). Will you be exploring chastity this Locktober?

Commenting on Appearance

We live in a superficial time where there’s a strong emphasis on appearance. We see the best (and often untrue) depiction of people online with filters, good lighting and all the right angles. It’s warped the reality that we are all beautiful in our own unique, imperfect ways. It’s also created a culture where people are criticised for not adhering to arbitrary beauty standards and a person’s value is measured by their looks. 

When dating, or in life in general, it can be really damaging to question or comment on someone’s physical appearance and body. Observations might be given in the spirit of a compliment or an innocent enquiry, but it may be quite offensive to the person on the receiving end of the remark. 

There are two categories of observation that can be offensive. The first is making comment on the choices someone makes about their appearance and the second is pointing out things about their body they have no control over. Examples of potentially insensitive things to avoid saying are…

You’d look better if you…

  • Shaved your body hair
  • Lost/gained some weight 
  • Smiled more 
  • Dyed your greys

You look good for…

  • Someone who’s had a baby
  • A trans man/woman
  • Your age
  • Someone your size

You don’t need…

  • Fake tan
  • So much makeup
  • Lip filler
  • To show your cleavage

What’s that…

  • Scar from?
  • Accessibility aid for?
  • Medical bracelet about?
  • Injury from?

Someone’s value is not determined by how they look and we have no business giving an opinion on someone’s appearance. Body autonomy gives everyone the right to decide for themselves how they look…including everything from hair grooming to clothing to cosmetic surgery.

Sure, some people enjoy attention to their appearance, but it’s risky territory unless you know someone well or they have invited comment. A heartfelt remark about someone’s personality or how they make you feel is more likely to be well received, especially when dating. Be kind and think before giving an opinion on someone’s physical appearance.

D/s Honorifics

When establishing a BDSM dynamic, it’s common to have honorifics for Dominants and submissives. They typically signify the type of D/s dynamic and each person’s role within it. D-type honorifics tend to elevate and command respect, while s-type names are more likely to be demeaning, show a lower rank or denote ownership.

Using honorifics can:

  • Reinforce D/s roles
  • Signal the beginning and end of a scene
  • Enhance play

There are an array of honorifics to suit all kinds of Dominants and submissives, depending on what you enjoy individually and during partner play. They can be decided early on or sometimes evolve naturally over time. Dominants will often name their submissives, but any titles should be negotiated and consented to by all involved.

When negotiating honorifics, consider which ones:

  • Suit this particular dynamic
  • Are off limits
  • Turn you on/add to the pleasure

If you have a new playmate and you haven’t discussed honorifics yet, avoid using any during a scene. Equally, if you have names you don’t want to be used, share that with playmates early on. D/s connections can be deeply personal and inadvertently calling someone an honorific from a previous dynamic might be upsetting. 

Kinksters will often present themselves online with a chosen honorific. This isn’t an open invitation to slide into someone’s DMs using a title without explicit consent. They may be a Dominant, but they aren’t your Dominant. Use their name when addressing them or if you aren’t sure, ask what they want to be called.

A Mistress will be different to a Mummy or a Goddess…each honorific sets a different tone. It may take a while to settle on titles that feel right for you. Many D/s honourifics are gendered, however there are plenty of options that go beyond the gender binary. Get creative…you can use titles like Your Highness, Boss, piggy or soldier…the safe word is the limit! 

Not all D/s dynamics require honorifics, and that’s completely ok too. You can personalise kink to what works for you and your partners. No one will stop you from calling your Dominant ‘Voldemort’ or your submissive ‘iguana’…or not using titles at all. 

What D/s honorifics have you used?

Sugar Mommas

I’ve been asked to be a sugar momma at least once a week since I started dating again two years ago. Usually this request comes without so much as a ‘hello’…it’s just some guy in his twenties sliding into my DMs thinking I’ll be happy to pay for his (no doubt charming) company. The idea that all cougars are sugar mommas is just another cougar myth that needs to be dispelled.

Seasoned cougar hunters know that it’s rare enough to find a cougar who wants to date you, let alone one who will pay your way too. Older women know their worth and cubs aren’t doing them any favours by dating them. Cubs are replaceable…especially ones who try treating cougars like a cash machine. Asking an older woman to be your sugar momma is one of the many things you shouldn’t say to a cougar.

Assuming a cougar will be your sugar momma is unattractive. It comes across that you:

  • Are entitled, selfish and lazy
  • Lack ambition and integrity
  • Think you have more value than her

Matching a cougar on the apps and anticipating she will pay for everything is disrespectful. If she is successful, she will have worked hard to get there and probably still earns less than her male counterparts. You aren’t doing your part for feminism or gender equality by demanding an older woman be your sugar momma.

You also can’t assume what a cougar’s financial situation is. Just because she’s older, doesn’t mean she will have spare cash to lavish on cubs. Cougars often have more financial responsibilities like mortgages and children. Even if they don’t, they are likely to be more savvy with their money and spending it on cubs will be a low priority.

Don’t forget, cougars are bringing a wealth of other things to the table that cubs profit from:

  • Life experience 
  • Sexual and self confidence
  • Honest and open dating approach

So it’s worth thinking about what you can offer up as a cub, rather than just what you can get from a cougar. Given there are very few cougars out there and plenty of eager cubs, you need to capture and keep her attention, starting with your online dating profile, or approaching her in person. Standing there with your hand out for a sugar momma won’t get you very far.

Don’t assume a cougar is a sugar momma unless you match with her on a sugar momma app or she openly advertises herself as one. Good cubs understand that a cougar’s money is the least exciting thing they have to offer and will have much better experiences than those just looking for a free ride.

Using Condoms

If you’re engaging in hook ups or regular casual sex, condoms are necessary in helping prevent pregnancy and the spread of STIs. Despite the fact that no sex is 100% risk free, condoms are in fact the only form of contraception that protects against STIs. But according to SH:24, condoms are typically only 82% effective because people don’t use them correctly.

When used properly, condoms are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy. So how do you ensure you’re using them in the right way? Firstly, read the instructions they come with. It sounds stupid, but seriously…the companies who make them are best equipped to give advice on how to use them!

There are some other things to be mindful of when using condoms that you may not have been taught during sex ed. The first and most important being that condoms need to be put on before ANY genital contact or penetration occurs. Precum may contain semen so don’t wait to put on a condom as climax is approaching.

The main thing is to minimise the chance of a condom breaking by:

  • Using lube
  • Getting a fresh condom after 30 minutes of use
  • Being careful with fingernails and toys

Much like putting a condom on before the action starts, you also need to remove it as soon as possible when you finish. Withdrawing the penis after ejaculation while it’s still hard is ideal. Once the penis goes soft, there’s a risk of the condom slipping off and there being spillage. 

Other things to remember when it comes to condom use are:

  • They have expiry dates
  • Don’t ever ‘double bag’ (this increases the chance of breakage)
  • Dispose of in a bin, never a toilet (trust me, you don’t want to have that awkward conversation with the plumber when they come to unclog your toilet)

There are so many great condom brands out there now (my personal favourites are Skyn and Hanx), take the time to try a few options and decide what brand and type of condom works best for you. Like anything to do with sex, pleasure and our bodies, it comes down to personal preference for you and your partners.

Taking care of your own sexual health and respecting that of your partner’s is everyone’s responsibility. Regardless of your gender, if you have a penis or have sex with penis owners, always have your own supply of condoms. Never assume the other person will have one…show you are proactive about safe sex, it’s hot!

Fake Dominants

There’s no shame in being a newbie to the kink scene. We all have to start somewhere and if you’re honest with potential playmates about your experience and play is safe and consensual, there’s no harm done. What’s dangerous is posing as an experienced dominant when you aren’t one.

Not everyone is honest about their experience level, and there are plenty of fake dominants. These people don’t understand that BDSM is built on trust, communication, safety and consent (more info on the SSC, RACK and PRICK safe practices here). When vetting for playmates it’s important to keep an eye out for fake dominants.

If someone jokes about BDSM on their dating profile it’s a red flag:

  • ‘You can’t choose your father, but you can pick your daddy’
  • ‘My hands make a great necklace’ 
  • ‘I practice safe sex. I’ll tie you to the bed so you don’t fall out’

Other signs that someone might be a fake dominant are that they:

  • Want you to submit immediately and without question 
  • Try to control you and give you tasks before meeting
  • Say you won’t need a safe word

Whether you meet potential playmates through in person events or online, you need to ensure your safety by vetting before you start getting kinky. This involves looking out for green flags and asking questions so you feel safe to explore with someone. Some signs that someone is a genuine dominant is that they:

  • Discuss negotiation, safety and boundaries
  • Want to build trust before exploring kinky territory
  • Speak of your needs and pleasure, not just their own 

If someone passes your initial phase of vetting, you can delve a bit deeper. This is typically the negotiation phase where you put all your cards on the table and decide if and how you want to proceed. Key information to share with each other during negotiation is:

  • Expectations of each other (remember, there are a huge range of dominants)
  • Understanding of consent, safety and aftercare
  • Kinks you enjoy or want to explore (this can be anything from edging to pegging)
  • Non-negotiables, boundaries and hard limits 

The key to enjoying kink safely is honest communication. Fake dominants are dangerous and make for bad experiences so take the time to vet and negotiate with before diving in. Trust your gut…if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Stay safe and have fun!

Simping

The original meaning of the term ‘simping’ is to crush on someone at a distance. An infatuation from afar which has you doing things wildly out of character for the object of your affection. It’s usually applied in the context of men’s behaviour towards women.

The term however has now devolved and is mostly used in a negative way to shame people (predominantly cis het men against other cis het men). It’s used to mock someone for behaving with basic human decency towards partners when dating or in a relationship. 

Insecure people accuse others of simping because they are projecting their own fears. They don’t have the emotional capacity to date with that kind of vulnerability and are scared of rejection. So instead they ridicule others for showing these emotionally open qualities they don’t possess.

Showing kindness to someone you care about is not simping. Treating people with respect is not simping. Expressing your feelings openly is not simping. Being honest and clear with your intentions is not simping. Dating with empathy is not simping.

Help eradicate the use of ‘simping’:

  • Stand up to anyone who accuses you of it
  • Call out friends if they use the term to bully someone
  • Encourage others date respectfully

If anyone tells you that you are simping over someone, the problem is with them, not you. Being vulnerable, respectful and honest when dating or in a relationship is sexy as hell. You’ll get far more from experiences with honesty and integrity than if you play hard to get or try to ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’.

Don’t be afraid to show someone you care when dating or in a relationship. Playing games is childish and a quick way to lose someone. It takes emotional maturity and a secure person to be open and vulnerable. The qualities people show when supposedly simping are actually desirable and healthy! 

Sliding Into Someone’s DMs

Even with so many dating apps available these days, social media is a common way to meet people. Some love it, some hate it…but one thing is for sure, there’s a right way to go about it if you want to slide into someone’s DMs.

Before you even send the first message, bear in mind you are (likely) a complete stranger so you are crossing a boundary without permission. So it needs to be done respectfully, and with no expectation of a reply. The person on the receiving end doesn’t owe you their time or attention, just because YOU are interested in THEM. 

If you are cold messaging someone, they may not respond at all because they:

  • Feel uneasy about the approach from a stranger
  • Aren’t interested or are in a relationship
  • Date in others ways that better suit them

If someone does reply to your DM, it might just be out of politeness. It’s not an immediate guarantee of a date or sex. Just like on the dating apps, you have to ease into the conversation and see if there’s a mutual interest. Even if someone starts chatting to you, there’s still no obligation for them to meet you.

If you do want to slide into someone’s DMs, give yourself the best chance and make sure you:

  • Have your profile on public with recent, clear photos of yourself 
  • Establish your age and location when you send the first message (cover off the info someone would see on your dating profile)
  • Say more than ‘hey’…state your intention and ask a question to start the conversation. You’ve reached out to this person, so the onus is on you to make it easy for them to reply!
  • Don’t send unsolicited sexual messages or pics. Ever.

If you don’t receive a response or someone states they aren’t interested, then leave it. Don’t continue to message or try and convince them to meet you. No means no, so move on. Rejection is a natural part of dating at the best of times, so try not to take it personally. If you keep pushing the point you might find yourself reported for harassment and blocked.

If you go about things respectfully, you’ve got nothing to lose by sliding into someone’s DMs. There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy though, so proceed with caution. Remember to be mindful of boundaries and the fact that no one owes you their attention just because you want it. But go for it and see what happens!

Being Submissive

When it comes to sex, the heteronormative stereotype is that men are dominant and women are submissive. This idea limits cis het people into fixed roles and doesn’t allow space for the full spectrum of gender identities or queer dynamics.

In reality, anyone can be dominant or submissive, or both (a switch, like me). During kinky and/or sexual encounters, dominance and submission have no gender or set role. As long as it’s safe and consensual, the joy of kink is that it’s customisable to suit you and your partner/s.

If being submissive is something you want to explore, there are multiple ways to go about it. Try getting a feel for the type of submissive you might be by exploring books, ethical porn, Reddit and Twitter. What do you find you are drawn to? Often our own fantasies are a good indication of what turns us on.

Depending on what you enjoy, the type of submissive you are can vary significantly. A sub might be a:

  • Servant 
  • Finsub/paypig
  • Pet
  • Little
  • Cuck

Submissive play comes in so many different forms too and can include elements of: 

  • Humiliation
  • Bondage 
  • Pain play 
  • Ageplay
  • Chasity

If you are looking to explore your submissive side, remember that building a D/s dynamic takes time. The best experiences come from trust with a partner and negotiating the wants, needs and safety of everyone involved. It’s unlikely to happen on a one night stand (be wary of anyone saying it can!). You also need to find the right fit…not all dominants will suit your needs.

When exploring your submissive side it’s good to know what you are seeking in a dominant. Are you looking for a:

  • Professional or online dominant
  • Long term D/s dynamic
  • Casual playmate
  • 24/7 lifestyle 
  • Cuck relationship 

If you are submissive and looking for a dominant, it takes time and patience. Some ways to find one are:

Whether it’s something you want to explore with a professional, current partner or someone new, there’s no shame in being submissive (unless you are into humiliation, of course). It doesn’t make you weak or less deserving of respect or pleasure. Pursuing this aspect of your sexuality might even unlock a whole new world of pleasure!